Stories Collected While Living in France

French la Vie

The Door

                                 

A blogger friend wrote about her struggle on surviving cancer. It pushed open a door in me; the fear of recurrence, the fear of being that sick again, the guilt of surviving when many do not, the anguish that cancer seems to know no end…It is a long path to be healed of cancer, a road that few have the opportunity to walk on and fewer yet can talk freely about the side effects that come with being saved, without feeling guilty of complaining.

Opening the door of that which is behind me…looking in and seeing where I have come from, hearing the voices in that room, that haunt me…tell me have you ever been scared for your life?

…and then when you have your life back, the bittersweet taste of adjustment.

Closing and opening doors, entering and calling it home.

photo: My neighbor’s door knocker.

Comments

49 responses to “The Door”

  1. Britt-Arnhild

    I have never experienced a life threatening fright in my life, though I have followed close friends along that path. And I have learned, and am still learning to cherish any moment, bright or dark, good or bad, as what makes my life worth living. And I have learned and am still learning to walk this path never alone but with the Master of my life, the God who creates and loves.
    Blogging, which I have done for almost two years now, has been an important teacher in showing me how to look at every day as the diamond it is, other bloggers are very important teachers and walking friends as well.

    Reply
  2. Kit

    I have never experienced this myself. I do think it takes huge bravery to survive and to keep on living your life, the way you are doing, openly with love and sharing so much with the rest of us.

    Reply
  3. Shannon

    I’ve been lucky enough to avoid a major illness like cancer.
    My 83 year old grandmother had a spot on her lung, went through 6 weeks of chemo, and currently walks 3 miles or so a day.
    She now complains that she’s old.

    Reply
  4. Jeanne

    God’s blessings and angels protecting you and my prayers for you each day I hope they all keep you safe from harms way in life my darling one.
    Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising each time we do.
    You are strong and healthy and blessed beyond belief!
    I love you Sugar Plum.
    Love your photographs and words each move my soul daily!
    You are an inspiration to many~
    Love Jeanne ^j^

    Reply
  5. Jeanne

    Love is at the door. (Door knocker)
    Let the divine power of love in………….
    Giggles
    Love is all you need.
    Muahhhhhhh
    Kisses
    You ARE loved!!!!!!!
    Jeanne
    X0X0

    Reply
  6. candy

    you astound me.

    Reply
  7. mary ann

    i had a cancer scare last year..but thankfully, it was not!
    i have a sister who is recovering from cervical cancer & i was frightened for her when she was going through all her chemo & radiation…she is doing well these days.
    sometimes when you open the door you just have to take the good with the bad…& hope for the best!
    🙂 mary ann

    Reply
  8. ms*robyn

    Corey, I have so many doors to my past – what is behind them has made me who I am today and I am thankful. But I really don’t want to open them as I am looking forward. Although I know that they are there always if I ever need to go back to get knowledge or information. does that make sense at all?

    Reply
  9. mab aka soulful1

    this was quite provocative and your words ring true…thank you for sharing your thoughts so eloquently.
    hugs,
    soulful (mab)

    Reply
  10. Jenny

    I have a friend who is struggling with a reoccurance now. She is 48 and lives in New Zealand so I can’t be with her but in spirit and the net…there is love and that is all I can do…is that enough? What can I do for her Corey? My tears don’t guide me…my prayers seem futile and sterile. I have another friend in Florida whose beloved husband of 28 years is losing his fight with cancer. The enormity of her courage takes my breath away. There must be gifts and blessings in the heartbreaks? You give these everyday in just “being” here on your blog. We all have the shadow next to us. We all must live in the light as you do Corey everyday of our lives. Why must we so many have to walk in the shadow so others can walk in the light? That is the pain of it.

    Reply
  11. isabel

    hmmm. maybe we cancer survivors should start a group blog…your post today makes me think perhaps it would be good to share all the thoughts, feelings and experiences of the aftermath in a place where more survivors could also contribute?
    just a thought.

    Reply
  12. Colette

    Your courage, and the wisdom you have gained, are an inspiration to us all.
    xoxo

    Reply
  13. Rebekah

    This resonates with crystal clarity with me. Very well expressed.

    Reply
  14. Paris Parfait

    Yet another poignant reminder of how fragile and precious life is. We must embrace every moment!

    Reply
  15. Cat

    Cancer took my father 13 years ago. He wasn’t ready to go, and it was hard to watch him being unwillingly strickened. Opening that door still brings tears to my eyes.
    I can only hope that thru that experience I can offer understanding and sympathy to others on that path. I am grateful that medical research is advancing at a rapid rate, and hopefully will beat cancer out someday.

    Reply
  16. amy rue

    Dear Corey,
    I’m so glad that you are ok and that you are here (there!).
    When I know of someone that has survived cancer, it gives me hope for Hans. And I hold that dearly close.
    Yesterday, we celebrated Hans’ sister’s birthday. She would have been 37, but breast cancer took her at 34. Cancer touches so deeply and always leaves a mark.Surviving and giving hope is such a gift.

    Reply
  17. lauren

    Well, you’ve thrown open this large door fairly wide haven’t you? It’s o.k. to let the fresh air in, and it’s o.k. that you’re frightened, but remember you don’t have to cross that wide threshold alone. Pass through the door holding tight the hands of those around you. No guilt, lovie. Some can fight the fight and some can not. And some may need the ones they love to fight this battle with them. Maybe your call to battle is for others now? Take a deep breath, you can get through this.
    hugs and love mon ami

    Reply
  18. jennifer

    I don’t like talking about cancer… But I need to. It’s hard to ignore – but sometimes I try.

    Reply
  19. Annie

    I remember having a lump checked many years ago and the quiet fear I felt about this unknown, alien thing in my body. The lump was benign but I’ve never forgotten that quiet fear.

    Reply
  20. Michelle

    After reading your blog, Josephine’s blog and all of the comments, I have realized something powerful. As a cancer survivor, I will ALWAYS be on the verge of tears. The emotions of that event are too easily recalled when I hear of stories such as yours or Josephine’s.
    I am overwhelmed right now with the startling realization that since my surgery four years ago, I have been preparing myself daily in case I have to deal with it again. Cancer is not like lightening. It can and does strike twice (or more!) Everyday I must live all I can. Everyday I must love all I can. Cancer is why I am a woman who does too much. It is why I am going back to school at age 46. Why I let my laundry pile up. Why I look up at the sky to watch the clouds. Why I thank God for his gifts. It is why I do art. It is why I open myself up to strangers. Today is a beautiful day.

    Reply
  21. arttealife/onecrabapple

    My eyes are squeeeeezed shut and I am silent….
    sending you love…LOTS.

    Reply
  22. Tongue in Cheek

    My friend Josephine’s blog just got a hold of me today, and I had to write about that guilt of surviving. It is true that when you survive Cancer you are not allowed to complain, or feel remorse for what you lost…people often come back with, “…at least you are alive.” Which is true…but people complain everyday about their lives and they are alive too.
    Sorry, I am going on and on here…but her post caught me and I spilled my emotions!
    Corey

    Reply
  23. Mrs. Staggs

    When I was 16 years old I had a gun held closely on me and told if I walked out the door, I would die. I opened the door and I walked away. I closed that door firmly behind me. I will not be held hostage by fear. It takes courage to live.
    I also had my own cancer scare not long ago, soon after my mother died from breast cancer just before her 62nd birthday. I don’t fear death, having learned from my mother’s passing that the things we read about, the peace, the light, the loved ones on the other side are all real, but having a son and a husband that I adore, I don’t feel ready to leave this world either. Because I have learned with all my heart that I have no choice over when or how I die and we all eventually do, I choose to concentrate on how best to make my life worthwhile for them and for others. It truly is the love we leave behind that matters and I want to make sure that I’ve done my best to leave lots of it behind.

    Reply
  24. diana

    there are so many doors that open and close for us on this life path… I try hard each day to love the room I am in that day… I do think about those doors behind me, and I think they help me remember to open as many new doors as I can . Reading your posts each day really help me focus and search for the joy in my day no matter how rainy, dreary, or dark it may be. Bless you Corey bc you received a gift when you survived and you share it with us each day via tongue in cheek… Merci !

    Reply
  25. amber

    I am humbled by you and Josephine, and all these who speak of surviving cancer in their bodies. And I am thankful for your survival!
    Yes, I have come close to death. Yes, I have also struggled with “survivors guilt”, for many years. It is only now in recent years, that I can put down the guilt and only hold on to the purpose.
    You have true purpose here Corey! You should not continue to carry the guilt. And you should complain if you need to, because that is a part of life, and you are alive, and beautifully imperfect, and that is just how it is. That is part of living, and you have a RIGHT to ALL of it. You do!
    And, you know what they say… “if you don’t have anything nice to say…come sit next to me.” 😉
    ((you))
    🙂

    Reply
  26. ms*robyn

    ahh the guilt of surviving cancer – how I can relate to that. each and everyday.

    Reply
  27. weirdbunny

    Your neighbours door knocker is so cool. Please don’t feel guilty about getting through the other end, no one would want you too.

    Reply
  28. weirdbunny

    Your neighbours door knocker is so cool. Please don’t feel guilty about getting through the other end, no one would want you too.

    Reply
  29. naturegirl

    Fear was that which gave “US” the courage to step out of the darkness and see the light and step onto “solid ground.”
    We’ve made it..no looking back. Like the frog we must leap forward never back! We made it through “our journey” so we can give Hope to others!!

    Reply
  30. Ulla

    Corey, such depth of illness makes us who we are and stronger for it. You and Josephine have voices of poetry, filled with pathos and strength. New doors open when others are closed…

    Reply
  31. cathy

    But you’re a survivor, look at how far you’ve come. I’ve never been there but my grandmother passed away with liver cancer and I always wonder if one of us in the family will have it next. All you can do is take care of yourself inside and out. I think you’re already doing so and you have love from a great community of friends including bloggers 🙂

    Reply
  32. mikaelah

    I learn alot reading your blog and all the powerful women who post here of their lives. I will sit and sift this whole guilt thing … it is so strange to know that humans do this to themselves. Feel bad for feeling good when others don’t… as if that helps somehow. I can’t imagine it does any good to anyone…but it has some sort of compelling energy nonetheless.

    Reply
  33. berrie

    YOU are a BeaUtiful Soul! Your work here on earth is not done, Until God says so & calls you home. So NO guilt hon! Easier said then done* I know (my mama has that sort of guilt too…she’s a breast cancer survivor)a worry and wonder that never goes completely away. xoxo!
    p.s. Have Fun California Dreamin!

    Reply
  34. Gina

    My husband continues his battle with multiple myeloma and will continue to do so his whole life, until at some point a cure comes along. See the blog about his progress here:
    http://ginamiller.blogspot.com/
    He is my light, and to answer your question, I am afraid of the dark. But, I/we do not live in it, one must live in life and it naturally happens that way for us.

    Reply
  35. susan@artstream

    i haven’t been through a life threatening situation but each and every day i fear i won’t be living life to the fullest. with that in my heart, i do try. with people like you, ulla, angela and others out there reminding us of all the beauty and living we have laid before us, it is a great reminder.
    have a lovely trip to sunny california!

    Reply
  36. snowsparkle

    corey, it think it’s so important that you don’t apologize for talking at length about this… it deserves exploration and support. i was terrified watching my mother suffer through her treatments for fallopian tube cancer. i’m still haunted and it didn’t even happen to me. i imagine for her, and for you and josephine, each day requires a leap of faith and a deep breath. thanks for sharing this deeply moving piece.

    Reply
  37. shelley

    corey,,, you can complain anytime you what…that is why i have such broad shoulders.. to carry my friends when they need it..

    Reply
  38. himavant

    hi! just found your blog today. i see you in me, only you do best. i love “shabby chic”, i collect for years, i did some artwork using that, but just stop the past few years. your blog has inspired me to start again. i will check your blog to keep inspiring me, kicking me to do more artwork. thank you and have great weekend!

    Reply
  39. Pumpkin

    Corey, That was just beautifully written.

    Reply
  40. Josephine

    Dearest Angel Corey,
    My first response is to apologize for reminding you of your own struggles. I do know how it feels to be having a good day and then unknowingly be ushered back into a hard memory…
    But I am also so very, very grateful for your presence in my life. Your story gives me courage and vision, where otherwise, I might have to wait a long time for such things to sprout.
    You are such a beautiful beacon of light. I promise, I won’t keep talking about it, I just needed to get the thought out of my stomach!!!

    Reply
  41. linda harre

    dear corey…..i am sure there is guilt for having survived when others didn’t…but remember you are such encouragement for those going through it!!! that is the plus or the “open door”! i must tell you, i am so sorry that you had to bear that and continue to have guilt and fear……XXXLinda

    Reply
  42. andrea

    You are just amazing Corey. That’s all I can really think to say. You live your live with such happiness and love. It radiates across the oceans to all of us.
    I know I am very blessed by your life.
    a.

    Reply
  43. marybeth

    Oh Dearest Corey,
    I was going to write you about a dear friend who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer, in hopes of seeking any thoughts, ideas, suggestions, on what is helpful, comforting, encouraging.
    I want to help her and know that the voice of those who have walked this path -know the real truth.
    Only if it is comfortable for you to share..
    Love to you dear stranger-friend.
    MB

    Reply
  44. Paris Parfait

    Lovely post, Corey. You and Josephine are both so brave to have put your stories out there, to help and inspire others. I know too many people who have lost the battle and I understand the fear and worry about recurrence.

    Reply
  45. Star

    Beautifully said. Wishing you many healthy years again.

    Reply
  46. Autricedeldrago

    Beautifully stated.

    Reply
  47. swampgrrl

    thanks for sharing your struggles as a survivor. i love the way you describe these fears of getting sick again as a room with a door. and then using the door again as a way to be alive.

    Reply
  48. Amber

    ((((you)))))

    Reply
  49. Lisa

    Great post! It is a blessing that you are a survivor. It will give hope to the women out there that are fighting the illness that there is a chance for them to beat cancer to. please don’t feel guilty.

    Reply

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