In Loving Memory of John.

                  Stairway to heaven

I was downstairs,

when I heard a heavy thump,

from upstairs.

A dull silence filled the space in between.

I called your name,

silence spoke hauntingly.

Walking upstairs,

I was afraid that you would jump out from behind a door,

and scare me.

Whispering cautiously, "John don’t… "

Through the doorway I saw you,

laying on the floor,

with a look that screamed agony.

Louder than the pounding of my heart,

the double edge sword pierced,

I had to go find help,

but in going you might die alone.

Time stood still.

Eternity raced forward,

my feet carried me,

my heart stayed by your side.

Later I would remember feeling your hand letting go of mine,

putting my head to your chest hoping to hear that familiar song,

receiving a silent answer.

Finding prayers that I knew by heart,

not coming to my lips.

On my face,

feeling tears from heaven,

knowing that God cried,

with me,

gave comfort as,

I witnessed your death.

Nothing in my life,

taught me more,

then on this day many years ago.

John was 24 when he died of a massive asthmatic attack.

Photo: Stone stairway in Chateau de Chenonceau.



Comments

75 responses to “In Loving Memory of John.”

  1. It is always so difficult to lose in life those we love.
    We have our eternal life in Heaven to share with them again.
    God bless you and yours
    both on Earth and your Soul Angels in Heaven.
    Love Jeanne
    Those who live forever in our hearts are never far away.
    I love you
    Jeanne
    X0X0

  2. Paris Parfait

    Such a beautiful, tragic poem Corey. And what a great tragedy to endure! Obviously he lives on in your heart and you honour him with your memories.

  3. In the same way that it is a privilege to be present at a birth, to witness a life as someone enters the world, I feel it is also a privilege to be there when someone leaves it.
    I can only hope that when my time comes, I have someone there who loves me to hold my hand, and whisper a prayer for me.
    A sad day, but you were both blessed.
    Hugs
    xx

  4. Poignantly etched with sad tears, that can never weather away.

  5. The poem and image gave me chills (in a spiritual way). It was a beautiful memorial.

  6. Oh Corey, this had me with baited breath. You are an angel.
    Hugs,
    a.

  7. oh Corey –
    I have
    no
    words.

  8. What a beautiful tribute to John and to being with him at the end of his life. Your words will stay with me this day as I celebrate my own life and remember those I’ve loved who are no longer with me.

  9. Marie-Noëlle

    “On a bâti là, plus réel
    Que l’échelle du patriarche
    Un escalier dont chaque marche
    Est vraiment un pas vers le ciel.”
    (from “L’escalier de l’Ara Caeli”
    by René François Sully Prudhomme,
    in Croquis Italiens.)
    Trying a translation:
    There, more real than the patriarch’s ladder, was built a staircase, each stair of which is actually a footstep towards heaven.
    It was hard to share such a memory of yours… you’ve done it beautifully!
    Thank you…

  10. Anniversaries of grief are never forgotten. Thinking of you… as you think of him.
    (ps… I have lost two ‘father-figures’ in my life, both named John, and one died of a massive asthma attack!)

  11. i am so sorry for such a lose.
    your words are hauntingly beautiful.

  12. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  13. John was blessed to have you in his life and he will always be in your heart! Thanks for a beautiful post about your loss.

  14. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  15. Heart-rending. He might be gone but he is still there in your heart.

  16. This experience is a little piece of the beautiful tapestry that makes you who You are. The Corey we love. It seems you have a great deal of inner strength. I’m glad you were ready to share this. I can learn from you.

  17. Everything became quiet around me as I read this and then the sound of life came back. I’m so sorry for your loss though long ago it was.

  18. I’m sorry.
    Maybe some of your great compassion for others came from this terrible loss.

  19. An eloquent expression of the loss you feel. Sending comforting thoughts you way.

  20. This passing would have been easier to know that a dear friend held your hand and was with you. The loss of dear friends, especially at a young age, is always a deep sorrow, but the memories of the joys you shared would have also been cause for rejoicing.

  21. I’m sorry this happened to you and you were young…so hard!

  22. Oh Corey,
    Your words are powerful and are felt by so many of us all over the world.
    Know that today our thoughts are with you.
    -Amy Rue

  23. I am sorry, Corey- how heartbreaking this is… sometimes I really don’t get it…

  24. Your memory gives us all strength… Death is so difficult to comprehend, and when you are so near, very very frightening… Take solice in that he had you so near – to help him find his way back up the stairs – I am sure he is waiting there for you now. but do take your time, he’ll want to hear all about your life when you arrive!

  25. Corey — your words of tribute are achingly beautiful, the grace you and John shared, an inestimable gift.

  26. Oh, Corey. I’m so sorry you went through that painful experience. How scared yet thankful John must have been to have had you at his side. My dad died in a similar way. It’s taken years for me to get over that.

  27. oh Corey-so sorry about your loss…

  28. Oh, Corey. What a lovely tribute.

  29. what an honor it is to call you a friend. xoxo

  30. I have no words, except to say I understand. (His name was John, he was 25 when another man took his life, and I was not there to hold him. It was the month of March.)
    Love, hugs, empathy,
    Colette

  31. how beautiful your tribute to your friend.

  32. I am experiencing a moment of tender silence for your friend and this powerful memory, shared with a seeming effortlessness as well as your usual grace.
    It feels GOOD to be back online and here on the brink of catching up with what’s been blooming in TICA-land.

  33. …oh, Corey.
    So sad!
    🙁

  34. Must have been difficult for you *hugs* X

  35. Exultation is the going
    Of an inland soul to sea, —
    Past the houses, past the headlands,
    Into deep eternity!
    Bred as we, among the mountains,
    Can the sailor understand
    The divine intoxication
    Of the first league out from land?
    Emily Dickinson

  36. Cousin Linda

    And not long after John’s death, you made your first trip to Europe. You appeared on my door (in Germany) after a long day on the train. We then took the train to Paris and walked those beautiful streets together, the first time for each of us. Then just a few short years later you were back, married to French Husband and living in Paris, where I visited you in your first small flat. We walked the streets of Paris together again, but this time you were the tour guide. How dramatically life can change in just a few short years. I love these beautiful memories where our lives entertwined.
    Linda

  37. Oh! so sad Corey! what an experience… The poem is so beautiful! a wonderful tribute to John and yourself

  38. I look upon death to be as necessary to our constitution as sleep. We shall rise refreshed in the morning.
    Benjamin Franklin

  39. I’m sorry for your continued loss…

  40. Oh Corey thank you for sharing this sad and tragic memory. Your heartbreaking and beautiful words are so powerful. They stun me. I sit here in silence, there are no words. . .

  41. my hearts aches for you…emotions that run so deep, they never fade. Love and prayers xo

  42. la disparition tragique de john, c’est comme le bateau qui s’éloigne à l’horizon : on ne le voit plus mais on sait qu’il est toujours là !

  43. Peace dear Corey. Holding his hand, you saw him leave on his next journey.

  44. Your poetry brought achy tears to my heart and eyes. What a beautiful and loving tribute.

  45. oh corey…this is heartbreaking…

  46. Oh how heartbreaking. God bless you.

  47. Corey,
    This poem is an awesome tribute.
    rel

  48. Corey this is so full of emotion…your words as always cause me to go within myself.
    XO
    Kristen

  49. I am deeply touched by this.
    xo

  50. I have goosebumps allover, I too have lost many who were too young, All of whom will never be forgotten. My thoughts are with you.

  51. Oh, Corey. What a sad and loving memory.

  52. I am glad he had someone like you holding his hand, he couldn’t ask for a better angel. I am sorry Corey for your loss those many years ago.
    teresa
    xo

  53. These anniversaries are so very hard. This is such a gentle, loving, touching tribute.

  54. Your post gave me goosebumps…a beautiful tribute for your John, may he always be at peace and surrounding you with love….

  55. Corey,
    My thoughts are with you…
    Michelle

  56. Many years ago you say, but the pain and the memory seem so fresh. All my loving thoughts are with you.

  57. You know my Dad died of the same thing. Eight years this March. I did not witness it as you did.
    What a heartache, and in some bittersweet way, a blessing for you to have been there for the experience (and comfort for him, I’m sure) with your friend John.
    I miss you my friend, sweet comforting hugs to you.
    lauren

  58. This is so very heart felt!

  59. Some memories are indelibly written on our hearts and souls, even though time may soften the writing, we can still trace those scars and feel the echo of the pain. Sending you loving, healing thoughts today.

  60. This is terribly moving. So sorry it had to happen.

  61. thinking of you sweet one! xoxo…annie

  62. what a sad and moving post. this really touched me so deeply.
    when i was younger i used to suffer from horrible asthma attacks. they were so scarey and terrifying when i just couldn’t breathe. my mother always told me that nobody ever died from that–maybe to comfort me–maybe because she was trying to comfort herself. now i am older and i know better and it makes those times seem even scarier. i can’t imagine how helpless and scared you must have felt watching that happen to someone you loved. i am glad you were there for him so he didn’t have to be alone. (((HUGS)))

  63. This is heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing.

  64. bless your soul, and treasure the thought you were with him as he left for his new journey…

  65. such a sad read .. may God bless him .. but I can see the sadness and i don’t know, feelings from what you wrote. I am sorry and well there’s nothing I can say except may he rest in peace and God have mercy on his soul.

  66. I’m so sorry! It almost reminds me of Ekaterina Gordeeva. Her husband died of heart failure when she was 24.

  67. So sad, so moving. There is a tear on my cheek now. kisses xxx

  68. He’s ascended the stairs.
    And every day we take a step too. Every day one closer.
    And it is good. Hard. But good. Birth canals to new lives.
    ((Corey))
    All’s grace,
    Ann

  69. The heart can tresure so many beautiful memories. We can feel those beloved hearts, even though they would not be with us in a material world.
    Lots of love to you Corey!
    You are in my heart…

  70. i am crying after reading the following post, i am so sorry, corey.
    thinking of you.

  71. I hope that even after so long, writing those words, and sharing them, has eased your heart. I lost my husband (who was 89) only last October, and we had been apart for 20 years. But I have been surprised at the powerful effect it is having upon me. There is a poem about it on my blog which I published a few days ago, called “I missed you this morning”. There are many tears mingling with yours.

  72. What a beautiful, loving tribute to a heartbreaking loss.

  73. Well written article.

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