The Rollercoaster

How many days has it been since my father entered the hospital? I have lost count….though it has been more than a month of days that much is certain.

The roller coaster ride continues. The climb to the unknown top is taken inch by inch, as fast as a slow crawl, barely noticeable to the naked eye. Then once on top (Oh the glory! Oh the thrill!) it is shortly lived, a slippery slide down hill, one that takes our breath away, causing our knuckles to turn white and scream, "No more!"

But the ride does not stop. It seems we cling to false vistas and unsteady dreams as we climb up, up, up and then look at each other and wonder why? where? what? How is this possible as we moan silently with hope and fear.

The one way ticket ends when it wants to… there is nothing one can do but to hold on and let go all at the same time.

My family takes turns sitting by my father’s bedside. My ticket offers a ride on the roller coaster at night, between 8pm until 8am. At night the secrets are softer and the dark deeper. I want the ride to end… isn’t that a bad thing to say? I don’t care where it ends just that it does one way or another. The agony of going up the roller coaster… is like a nosedive and holding on to a thread called a safety belt.

The roller coaster offers my memory to plunge and pull up past experieces. So as the ride takes my heart and soul, it also dives deep and surfaces things I have rarely recalled. Last night it offered me this:

As I am standing by his bedside, I am crying I cannot get ahold of myself, tears drop heavily on his bed… my father is his medicated state reaches out to me… then in an instant as fast as a roller coaster can dip my thoughts roll back-

I am three years old my father and I are walking out to the barn. As we walk along I reach up for his hand. His hand is so large (!) he laughs and puts out his finger for me to hold on to. I reach up and grab it and smile back. I feel safe.

Instantly I am three years old and fifty years old all at the same time…



Comments

106 responses to “The Rollercoaster”

  1. Corey,
    I don’t know what to say. Tears began to roll down my face as I read your post today. I think that it is definately a roller coaster ride for you and your family. And I don’t think it is a bad thing to say that you want it to end one way or another. Please let your Dad know that we are thinking of him and praying for him and your family.
    May God bless your Dad and your family.
    Love,
    Lorene

  2. Oh Corey, that feeling of wanting the ride to end is so normal. I remember feeling that way with my mom. It was such a bitter feeling to experience. I felt it for years. But eventually the guilt of wishing it over left me as I understood that it wasn’t the ending I was desiring but impatience for the new beginning for her. Love, Annie

  3. Dear Corey,
    I have no wonderful words of advice for you; I sincerely wish I did. I think the roller coaster analogy is very accurate & I think your feelings are quite natural & normal.
    Please tell your Dad (and Mom) that I continue to think of them & pray for them. I am still praying (and crying) for you, too. Your parents are blessed to have a daughter who loves them enough to go on the journey of suffering with them.
    May God bless all of you.

  4. Many of us have been where you are now. As difficult as this lengthy time is, in a sense, it is a gift of time … time to reflect, remember, process, and prepare yourself for what is ahead. You long for the rollar coaster ride to end, and that longing is normal. When life is spinning we long for normalcy. And now, one way or another, you want your dad’s suffering to end and he to be at rest–either by getting better, or by going to that perfect place of peace forever. May God give you and your family strength for each day and for each night. You’re in my prayers.
    Dotsie

  5. Corey ~ I’ve been reading your blog for a while now. Your eloquent and poignant words have touched me many times as you take this journey with your Father’s illness.
    After reading your thoughts about the roller coaster ride, I had to comment. I taught childbirth classes for 20+ years and used a similar rollercoaster ride as an analogy of labor many times. It seems we have to take various roller coaster rides at throughout our lives. They come along and we have no choice but to get on and ride it out. As I taught in my childbirth classe, what makes the difference is how we approach it. Thank you for your open-ness and honesty in sharing your ride with us. It moves me and gives me courage and hope for the ride I can see looming on the horizon with my own father.
    Blessings to you and your family, may peace settle deep into your hearts and give you bedrock on which to stand. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.
    Lisa

  6. Oh so true. All at once we’re all we have been, and all we have known. It’s totally overwhelming.
    Twenty years ago I had to leave my father’s bedside to return home to my small children. It was very difficult knowing for him there was only one outcome. I whispered in his ear as I turned and left the room.
    So many of your readers have been in the place you are now. Some may say that is of no comfort, but to me it was, knowing that I wasn’t alone in my experience.
    Still praying in the midwest……
    – Suzanne, the Farmer’s Wife

  7. oh dear Corey,
    I have no words to even begin to touch what you must be going through. But I have many prayers for you and your family. Treasure each moment and know that God is loving through each moment.
    love and prayers to you all

  8. oh sweetie….be strong. still praying!!!
    love nancy

  9. And when he reaches now for your hand I am sure to him you are all at once his little girl and his grown daughter and this makes him feel safe.

  10. My thoughts are with you, Corey. I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you. I imagine that your father is comforted knowing that he is surrounded by so much love.

  11. Our hearts can bear more than we think they can (and sometimes wish they couldn’t). I continue to send thoughts and prayers to you and your family; knowing that you are there at night, I will hold you especially close during those hours.
    ~ Star

  12. I don’t think it’s terrible of you at all to want the roller coaster to end one way or the other.
    I wonder if he remembered you at three years old barely able to fit your tiny fingers around his bear paw 🙂 I love that he offered you his finger. That is the sweetest gesture. And he was nice enough to not tell you to pull it 😉
    Had to insert a bit of humor….sorry, LOL.

  13. Yes a roller-coaster ride seems to be a fitting description of the hard times you (and many others are or have) gone through with a loved one. A time of calmness and peace, then a time of being scared out of your wits.
    When the ride is over though, you can take comfort in knowing that you were there…

  14. Oh Corey….

  15. How well put, to liken it to a roller coaster ride. I’ve never chosen to take one of those theme park rides, but life sometimes puts us on, whether we want to be there or not. If I may be so bold, I’d like to share with you what I experienced during my mother’s final illness. Once our minister suggested this and we put it into action, it wasn’t much longer before my mother slipped away. We assured her of how much we loved her, but that we, however reluctantly, wanted her to know, too, that we were releasing her to continue her journey. Hard to do, but very necessary, I think. God bless, and thank you for sharing with us what you’re experiencing.

  16. I READ SUCH ABUNDENT LOVE IN YOUR MEMORIES
    LOVE IN YOUR DADS SENSITIVE TENDER RESPONSE TO HIS LITTLE GIRL’S HAND-LOVE IN YOUR FAMILY WRAPPED AROUND YOUR DAD-BEING PRESENT-EACH MOMENT-LOVE AS YOUR USE YOUR AMAZING GIFT OF THE WRITTEN WORD TO SHARE THIS JOURNEY WITH OTHERS- MY ARMS AND PRAYERS ARE AROUND ALL OF YOU

  17. I’m praying for God’s blessings on you and your family.

  18. Oh Corey I know how you feel. Harvey’s mother had Alzeimers for 19 years and the end took a long long time. My father died suddenly and it was such a shock for us all but preferable to what you are going through.Be strong for him.

  19. My heart is sitting beside you Corey as you & your family ride this unpredictable roller coaster. Thinking and thinking about you as you learn to hold on & let go all at the same time.

  20. A hospice nurse told me during my dads last month that they need to know. The journey will end when your pa knows his loved ones are ready for him to go ahead. Hearing is the last sense we lose, he can still hear you Corey. Tell him you are ready for him to go ahead now, he wants to make sure his family will be ok without him. sad so sad, hard I know, but like plain jane said…necessary. We struggle to be born and we struggle to pass away… thinking about you like almost every minute. berriehead

  21. Oh, Corey — yes, the roller coaster …what an apt metaphor, and what a gift to be able to ride it. Love, prayers and memories will comfort and sustain. Take heart, dear friend.

  22. corey,
    i know this is such a difficult time for you and your family. i have no sage advise or wisdom to impart – just that what you are going through is very hard. it is a testament to our strength that we get through it as well as we do.
    -steph

  23. Corey, There is nothing wrong or bad about wanting the ride to end. I’m sure your father as well as the rest of the family want it to end as well. You are a wonderful daughter & your father knows it. Even if/when he’s gone he really will never be gone. I lost my father 33 yrs ago & he is still with me every day.

  24. It goes on…
    We thought it had ended…
    But it goes on…
    Wrapping you in gentle thoughts and hugs…
    Mari-Nanci

  25. …on no sweet girl …it is not a bad thing to wish this ride over…i too have been where you are…not exactly because we each have our own unique relationships…i sat with my dear daddy in the night with memories of being his little girl…so tonight should you feel in need of a soft prayer…mine will be there with you…blessings laney

  26. It has been a long ride for all of you – no wonder you’re emotionally exhausted. I hope that the best resolution for your Dad comes soon for him. Thinking of you all.

  27. thinking of you and your family each day. xo

  28. Dear Corey
    I’m thinking of you and praying for you. I’m sorry this is such a hard time.

  29. Corey ~ my heart breaks for you. I have been through the same thing with both my dad and my mom. It is so very hard to let go ~ and they didn’t seem to want to until I was able to say to them – it’s okay, it’s okay…..then it seems that they both sighed a breath of relieve and let go. It was so hard but I didn’t want to see them like that any more that was not the quality of life they ever wanted to live. The time we had in the hospital, I kept telling them how much I loved them and what wonderful, terrific parents they had been to me. I am sure you have told your Dad the same thing over and over.
    I continue to pray for strength and courage for you and your family.
    Caren K

  30. We all know this roller coaster. It is not the thrilling ride one takes with arms stretched high above ones head and the rush of the plunge explodes with joy. No, this a dark journey. You, your father and family are in my heart and prayers.

  31. God is right there with you on that 9PM – 7AM rollercoaster ride.

  32. Oh Corey. Not long ago I was the night shift sitting by my dad’s bed. And there were his hands, the same as always, the same as when I was a little girl. Big and warm hands. I have ridden the same roller coaster as you and I have wanted the ride to end while wishing it would never end. I am sorry. There’s nothing to be done is there? It’s a precious time despite the sadness and the tedium and the not knowing what or when. I am sorry.

  33. Oh, yes, the dark is so very deep.
    I’m praying for you dear Corey.
    With love,
    Janet.

  34. God bless you and your Father and all the family at this time.
    I love you darling one.
    I am here for you always.
    Love Jeanne

  35. This has to be the most difficult thing to go through … we’re right there with you, Corey, through every dip, turn and climb. ~ hugs, Lynda xo

  36. Brenda Lutyk

    Oh Coey: I am so sorry for your heartache. I know it seems worse at night. Please keep your courage up. You are doing SO MUCH for your father just being there. I am so sorry your birthday party was put on hold. Hang in there.

  37. My Dear One,
    Tell him.

  38. Corey,
    Just know that there are many of us out here who are fans of your blog and feel deeply for the pain you are going through. Over a year ago my father had an accidental brain injury and never recovered to say goodby. It was heartbreaking and still painful even after a year. It is never time to let go. WE hold on to our loves as long as God will let us. I pray for your strength to deal with all that lies ahead. Peggy

  39. Loving you right now and sending it along with my prayers…
    Hugs…
    a.

  40. I’ve been there Corey. When I was pregnant with my first child 24 years ago in May my Dad had the same pneumonia that Jim Hinson of Muppets fame died of. My dad spent 5 months in ICU and as an only child of an only child I stayed with my Mother and Grandmother keeping watch. It was the first 5 months of my pregnancy and I was sick and sick some more. I took the day shift and I only missed 3 days out of 5 months not being in the hospital with him. I had a Dr’s appointment and didn’t come in that morning and it was that then that he passed away. I have always believed he knew I wasn’t there and spared me that pain. It is definitely a roller coaster ride and sometimes it’s one that’s totally out of control!
    Dana in Virginia

  41. Corey,
    My heart breaks for you and your family as you watch your father slowly come to the end of his life on earth…
    I pray for strength for you all as you endure this endless roller coaster…knowing that it will end sooner than you are ready for it to come to an end…
    Be comforted…
    love,
    Mimi

  42. Corey, this is such a hard time. I am so sorry and still praying. Try to rest in Him. Clarice

  43. ally bean

    And when the roller coaster ends, the merry-go-round begins. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Con amor.

  44. Oh Corey! I am so sorry for the ride that you are on right now. I know how slow that climb to the top is! I’m so glad, though, that you have this time to spend with your father and your family.

  45. Barbara Sydney Australia

    Dear Corey
    As I read the comments from all your wonderful readers I realise one thing.
    In this great big amazing world, we are all the same, our love and saddness, pain and joy, it is so simple!
    May God’s peace and blessings take care of you all.
    Barbara

  46. Still praying, Corey. Lots of love x

  47. julie christie leary

    And your father reaches out to you and you are there and he feels safe…somewhere inside he feels safe…and somewhere inside you smile…thankful that you can be there for him when he needs you. [And no, it is not a bad thing to hope that a terrible,bittersweet ride ends soon.] Good Thoughts,friend.

  48. Oh Corey! I remember that with my Dad…you said it absolutely perfectly.

  49. I don’t know what to say that hasn’t been already expressed by other posters.You are in my thoughts and prayers Corey.God bless you and your family.

  50. Corey, It is not a bad thing that you want the roller coaster ride to end. Indeed, it is a picture of your unselfishness…that you are willing to let go of your dad so there will be no more suffering. Prayers for you and your family. Cheryl in California.

  51. you are in my thoughts everyday, corey.
    sending you lots of love,
    PS: i got a ‘romantic homes’ magazine and loved your 14 pages of beautiful photos.

  52. sometimes they are simply waiting for us to tell them it’s okay to leave.
    much love my friend.

  53. I can imagine how awful that must be for you, but I venture that in the years to come, you will treasure those intermingled memories more than you know now. I hope it will be over soon, however it is supposed to end. Thy will be done, oh Lord.

  54. I am still praying for you and your family sweet Corey…rely on your faith and love.
    I hope you are feeling our love and support.

  55. I’m praying for your father and all your family.

  56. Dear Corey…this has to be so very hard . I cannot even imagine. It is a very emotional time and nothing one can say will make it any less difficult. My heart goes out to you. May you find strength in the NOW.

  57. I’m sorry Corey! If I lived near you I could stand by you, so my prayers and good thoughts will just have to do.
    xox
    Constance

  58. I come by every day to check in on you and I carry you in my heart as I go through the day knowing that this is a time so difficult for you and all your family. Much love many prayers and God be with you, each one of you.

  59. Continuing to “pray without ceasing” for you Dear Corey.

  60. Corey, I am sending love for your dad and you and your family with all my heart. I hope your dad knows how he’s brightened so many lives of people he’s never even met.

  61. Corey this is an very difficult time for you. Just remember your Dad is still there for you, as much as you are there for him..
    hugs
    xx

  62. LizzyMae

    my heart goes out to you, my dear.

  63. Corey, I truly have been in your shoes with my Dad. I felt the rollercoaster of emotions as you are now. Sending ((hugs)) to you.

  64. Dearest Corey,
    I have had this ride and that bedside touch of hands. i will remember my father’s grasp that last night all my life. I hope the ride ends soon for you and your family and that you all emerge from the tunnel into the light, into your future, and your love.

  65. Corey, the comment just above mine was the best of them all. It seems that only after our loved ones are told that we will be fine and we give them permission go do they rest in peace. God bless you and your family.
    b

  66. Ohh Corey my heart goes out to you! I had a ticket on that same rollercoaster, yearning, all the while, for it to stop so I could get off, please stay strong, hold on for dear life and know you are much loved. xxx

  67. I don’t know if this is possible, but try to find some place for youself in this wild ride … someplace to center and take a breath. This is a tough time and my prayers and love are with you. xx, JP/deb

  68. Dearest Corey, I’m glad you were able to have these weeks and hours with your father. And moreover, much moreover, that you have a father that inspires such love, awe, love, and respect in you as a daughter.
    Such richness is a man and father. So blessed to grow in such a home.

  69. stumbled across your journal here & have read back to when your dad entered the hospital. sending love your way & thinking of you, your dad, and your family. i’ll light a candle tonight for all of you. how wonderful for you all to be there together. xx

  70. I think it is so important that you are there..for him, for them, for yourself. Keep holding on to that finger – being 3 and 50 all at once. It is part of the process.
    Hugs,
    Carol

  71. Elaine L.

    Oh, Corey,
    I can so relate to where you are right now, especially the “letting go and hanging on”. I had finally gotten to a point that I couldn’t watch my dad suffer and prayed that if it was God’s will to take him that it happen and he not be in pain.
    I was doing very well, but at one point, I started crying while I was on the phone with my dad and couldn’t stop. My dad told me what a wonderful daughter I was and that losing a parent was something we all had to go through.
    Well,that was last May and my dad is still, here, and will be 86 in June. Today was his dialysis day and afterwards I met my mom and dad for lunch. He is so frail as compared to a year, ago, but with tears in his eyes he told me that he hopes he lives long enough to see his 2 year old great grandson reach five. He wants to be able to talk with him and tell him stories like he does with his six year old brother. So the will to live goes on.
    It is a wonderful blessing that you have enough family members to sit with your dad around the clock. For me, it’s pretty much me and my mother. I work full time, so my mother would go during the day and I would go after work and stay until 9:00. My brother, who is the grandfather of the boys, was killed in a car accident when he was 24 and I was 28. My dad says that he misses him every moment of every day.
    God Bless you, your family, and especially your dad.
    ~elaine~

  72. Corey, I’m so sorry for this time in your life. How heartbreaking all of this is for your family. I’ve been following your story and think of you every day as you go through this time. Know that there are so many more people reading who don’t comment, but have their thoughts with you. Thankyou for being so transparent through all of it. Bless all of you.

  73. Oh, Corey! My prayers continue to go up for you and your family. Is your husband and your kids doing okay back at home?

  74. This reminds me some bad memories ..I love the way you are talking about it .
    I don’t know how to say properly in english . by reading your words , les larmes ont coulé le long de ma joue .Surtout que cela m’a rappelé des moments douloureux qui vont peut être revenir …

  75. I lit a candle for you, your Dad and your family yesterday in a church I happened upon. I know you all are going through a really dark time. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  76. Corey,
    Peace my friend!
    I pray the peace of spirit imbues your being.
    rel

  77. ((((HUGS)))

  78. Dear Corey, for you these times are very hard to go through, but I think, sometimes it is beautiful, too, even if you are crying… these moments your can share with your father. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  79. I feel for you, we had 6 months of up, down, high low, hope, terror with my uncle in hospital (he is home at last). Like you, we all had some very intense and long forgotten memories that were really beautiful. There have also been a lot of wonderful stories uncovered because of them, the kind we would never have had if not gathered round hospital beds or spending hours in corridors waiting for news. Good things can come from bad situations.
    Sending you love. May your memories walk with you through the darker days and bring light to them.

  80. “hold on and let go all at the same time”
    That says it all Corey…
    xxcg

  81. I am thinking of you and wishing your father peace and rest. This is a hard time, take care of yourself.

  82. I’m sorry you and your family are having such a rough time right now.

  83. remember how u felt safe and reassured with him around, maybe he had his own fears and insecurities then… now the roles are reversed, you have your fears but you also have to be with him, and if you can be both fifty and three at the same time, i feel it will be helpful to him…

  84. Corey, there is nothing wrong with wanting the ride to end. I hope for you and your family the peaks and valleys turn into a Ferris Wheel, the gentle circle of life.

  85. Dear Corey, life changes all the time. Events, feelings, thoughts, how we feel about events, people, everything changes. Been witness of these changes without grasping on them is what it is “letting go” to me. Difficult. Hope that changes will bring sweetness and love to our lives

  86. dkmp9293

    You and your family continue to be in my prayers. God will share the weight of this with you.

  87. Corey, my heart goes out to you. I’ve been there, at that hospital bed, only I wish I could go back and say all that I wanted to say my mother but didn’t because I didn’t want her to worry. Corey say everything you’ve every wanted to say to him, he can hear you, he can feel you there…his reaching out to you shows that he still wants to protect his little girl, even now. My daddy hands were so large to me too, and they still are. I wish I could hold them.
    May God bless you and hold you in his arms during this trying times.
    Suze

  88. So sorry to hear that this is such a hard time for you and your family. I hope writing things on your blog helps a little bit to put things in perspective. It is very intense being with someone so sick and frail and supporting them as you all are just now. A great strain – try and make a little space for nice things too if you can even if it is just a hot chocolate in a cafe or a walk in the sunshine for an hour.
    Also so difficult for you being a long way away from the other half of your family in France and not having your husband with you to talk to and give you a cuddle – only the telephone – and that’s not a substitute.
    My first comment but have read your blog for a while with its inspiring thoughts and pictures.

  89. I’m so sorry Corey. I can’t express how I feel for you.
    I keep you in my prayers.
    Rosemary

  90. As you reach for the hand of your father know that we are reaching out with our hearts to you to offer comfort. Bless you and your family, Corey.

  91. If I could only be there with you…but I am there in spirit. We are all thinking of you, hugging you, encouraging you…to stay strong. It is always darkest before the dawn. It is hard wondering when the dawn will come. But it will….
    xoxo
    Robin

  92. Colette Nel

    Dear Corey, To be able to hold your father’s hand, to be there in these very difficult hours-that is a blessing. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. COLETTE-South Africa

  93. Corey,
    Just remember that the seat in which you sit on this up and down ride is the palm of His hand. The sudden whoosh you feel down hill is accompanied by the shadow of His wings. I think of you daily and hope you are encouraged by all these thoughts and prayers.

  94. Using a roller coaster to describe this moment is perfect. Hugs,
    Meredith

  95. Oh Corey, yes that’s exactly what it’s like. The soaring hope, the crashing down, over and over. I remember it too well. I was going to say I’m amazed you’re able to continue posting at the moment – but really I should say thank you for doing so. x

  96. See!
    I will not forget you…
    I have carved you on the
    palm of my hand.
    Isaiah 49:15

  97. Dear Corey,
    Thinking of you and sending a warm enveloping hug.
    With love and prayers for your Dad, you and your lovely family.
    xo

  98. Oh you angel. I’m so sorry for this terrible ride….and you’re not wrong for thinking that. I pray for you and your dear father to have peace by healing or by heaven….it truly is too hard to be in the middle for so long ~ much love to you and your family Corey, xxoo, Dawn

  99. I came here via traveler one and stumbled upon this post. I am sending some good thoughts and also to tell you that I know exactly what you are feeling. I went through exactly the same thing last April and May and it leaves a toll on the soul. I too didn’t tell my Mother everything I needed to because I really thought she was coming back home. My thoughts and prayers are with you even though I am a stranger…ciao:)

  100. sending more love…and a big hug…mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!

  101. I understand your thoughts Corey.
    My brother has been in I.C.U for two weeks. I, too, want this ride to end.
    Actually, I just want to get off… now! x

  102. I was recently on that ride with my mom – it’s ok, and appropriate, to want it to end. It’s so hard on eveyone invloved.
    I’m holding you close in my heart.

  103. Paris Parfait

    Oh Corey…sending lots of love and hugs and prayers for you all. xoxox

  104. This is so heart-warming and powerful, just know that you aren’t alone…we are here by the bedside with you.x

  105. After a month of caring for my father along with my mother, as this had been his request and spending every night by his side, I would rest my head on the hospital bed by his chest and gage his breathing. It took me two days to accept the fact that he had slipped into a coma as the visiting nurse had stated. I remember being angry at her and doubting her knowledge. He was tired, Just very tired and sleepy I replied. When I could not awake him, during the long silent night, waiting for dawn to break, I lifted my head to his ear and whispered: you may go now, I promise you I will take care of mae. We are going to be fine. I will miss you terribly. Thank you for all the sacrifices you made for us. We will continue to honor your name, I love you.
    My need for him to be free was greater than my need for him to stay. Within two days, my father was gone. Released from his physical suffering of that fatal CVA that left him paralyzed and unable to speak.
    Sending you and your family my love in this very difficult journey.

  106. Courage, Corey…courage.
    I’ve walked the path you are walking and please know that you can do it.. When I was caring for my Mom as she was transitioning I
    sang to her, recited the rosary for her (and myself) even while I brushed her hair, straightened her bed garments, etc. At a point, the “roller coaster” ride was making me feel very,very ill but I still kept going and I wished for my ride to stop and when it did, I felt worse because i could no longer hold her hand, sleep near her head nor hold her hand. She could not hear me whisper in her ear :I love you:.
    I felt guilty for wanting the ride to end.
    I send you courage, Corey and prayers for strength for you and your family. You can do this. Hugs,

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