Stories Collected While Living in France

French la Vie

Standing Under Grace

Praying without words, praying in the middle of the night, praying after witnessing death upon death, praying while holding your hand and hearing you cry out, "Help me." 

Praying through fear-

Praying for an easy off button-

Praying as I wipe your mouth, your eyes, and as we wipe your sore bottom-

Praying I wasn’t standing here alone with you. Praying thanksgiving that I am standing here alone with you-

Remaining calm when I see nothing short of terror that is in your eyes. Listening when I want to beg- No, no, no!

In the middle of your suffering I find myself walking even though I want to run and hide. In the darkness I feel the breeze pour through the hospital’s window like a soothing hand upon my face. While standing by your bed I hear the oxygen bottle and suddenly it becomes a babbling creek.

Typing as my father sleeps after a rough night I glance over at his bed stuffed with pillows – suddenly it becomes a white fluffy cloud…..and I dream of crawling into it, where I can hold him and whisper, "Fly away, fly away, fly away…"

Comments

78 responses to “Standing Under Grace”

  1. Cheryl in California

    Corey, Dear Corey…my whole being aches for you. Have you told your Dad it’s o.k. to fly away? It may bring you both some peace. I’m praying for you all.

    Reply
  2. karen

    It’s so hard to understand why good people have to suffer at the end of their life. I applaud your efforts of being there when others would surely have run away.

    Reply
  3. Jeanne

    God bless you and yours my precious friend.
    My heart aches for all those suffering……….
    Love and hugs and many prayers.
    God be with you all.
    Love Jeanne
    X0X0

    Reply
  4. marcie

    It will be ok. YOu know that, God is holding your hand real tight. It will be ok. You are in my heart and prayers dear Corey.

    Reply
  5. Chris

    Prayers for you, sweet Corey…Prayers for your father…Holy Spirit touch you all and bring peace. Fly away~how appropriate.

    Reply
  6. Dee

    Oh Corey…my tears flow for you this morning…my heart aches. I pray for extra strength for you today.

    Reply
  7. Leslie Garcia

    Dear Corey,
    All I can think of when I read your poetry is…”My God You are brave” and that is why you have been chosen to to be here at this time…Not just for your father… but for us all! Thank you for your heart felt thoughts…
    We are all here with you! As my daughter loves to say from the movie “FINDING NEMO”…Just keep swimming…just keep swimming.
    Peace and Love to you and your fabulous family,
    Leslie

    Reply
  8. kim

    Corey…
    (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
    Kim

    Reply
  9. Gail

    Dear Corey,
    My heart goes out to you as you journey down this path. My mom died last month after being under hospice’s care for 2 years. It was a long journey. There were many times when my sister and I wanted the journey to end. My mom is at peace now, and for that I am most greatful. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    hugs

    Reply
  10. Suzanne

    Corey, prayer is a bless in the middle of the storm. A refuge. A safe shore. Thank God you have that. And thank God your Dad is a believer, I’m sure that gives much more meaning to his (yours) provations.
    Much Love to you*
    Suzanne

    Reply
  11. anna

    Oh, Corey — your words are achingly beautiful. Peace…peace to you and your dad and continuing prayers.

    Reply
  12. Miss Sandy

    Corey,
    I well remember the day I stood in your shoes at the bedside of my beloved Uncle Charlie. I remember the look on his face, the pleading in his eyes, and the pain that wracked his body. I was in the room alone with him, he couldn’t speak because he was on a ventilator but his eyes spoke volumes. I asked him if he wanted to pray and he shook his head yes. Our eyes locked and prayer poured forth from my lips as tears coursed down both our faces. I told him I loved him and he mouthed the words back to me. I knew he was tired, weary, and weak and in my spirit I knew he was seeking permission to be let go. It was one of to hardest things I’ve ever had to do, to tell him it was OK, when he was tired of fighting it was OK to slip away into the arms of the Lord. I was the last one to be with him while he was awake and I held his hand as he slipped from this life to the next. I promised him I would stay by his side as he completed this life’s journey.
    All this said to say that I understand your desire to cry out to father to fly away. You will know in your heart whether it is fight or flight that he needs and your mere presence brings him more comfort than you will ever know. Still lifting you and yours to the Father as you keep your vigil. May strength, grace, and peace wrap around you like a comforting cloak. May they warm you and uphold you. Be sure to take care of yourself as you take care of him. Much love and prayers.

    Reply
  13. rochambeau

    So sorry friend!
    Will continue my prayers for your father, you and your family.
    xox
    Constance

    Reply
  14. Gill

    There are no words Corey. Sending you {{hugs}} and saying prayers for you and yours.

    Reply
  15. Lisa-Vet

    Corey, I remember those feelings..so so hard..God Bless You.

    Reply
  16. martina

    There are so many wise comments by others today. All I can add is that we are all with you Corey and many many prayers are being sent.

    Reply
  17. Elizabeth

    Dear Corey, your words express your heartache so strongly and your words of ‘fly away’ touch me so…I used the same when my dear Grandma passed away. They bring to mind a joyful gospel hymnn “I’ll Fly Away”…if you’re not familiar with it, here is a link with the words and background music. I do not mean to say that your dear father’s fight is done, just to provide some solace at this crossroads.
    http://www.angelfire.com/co/inspiration/flyaway.html
    Blessings to you, sweet child.

    Reply
  18. Pam

    Praying solace for you all in these trying times. . . Sending hugs to comfort your heart . . . wish I could be there to help ease the load. Love, Pam

    Reply
  19. angela marie

    Corey,
    God is blessing you for being such a good and servant daughter. He is proud of you and so are we.
    Oh how I remember this…
    My heart aches for you ~
    Sending you warm hugs
    with all of my love

    Reply
  20. Lorene

    Oh Corey,
    I am so sorry to hear that your Dad had a rough night. I am praying for you and your family.
    Lorene

    Reply
  21. suesue

    dear corey, i’ve been reading your comments through this hard time and need to share with you. i lost my little sister last week after her struggle with breast cancer for seven years. she was so courageous! when it was time for her to go how could we not be courageous also? she wrote her own eulogy and letters to all she loved. my selfishness in wanting her to live was so pale in comparison to the peace she deserved. i hope your journey ends in peace and love, no matter the outcome. i know your faith helps you also. my prayers and thoughts.

    Reply
  22. Star

    Reaching a hand to hold across the miles with tears in my eyes, wishing it could be more. I hope you can feel the love from all of us as we bear you up in the only way we can, with out thoughts and prayers.

    Reply
  23. beachy

    Love is wherever you and your dear father are… may Love comfort and sustain you!

    Reply
  24. Shannon

    I’m so sorry for this agonizing vigil and for what your father has to endure.

    Reply
  25. Aina

    I am sitting here, with tears in my eyes. Reading, feeling and trying to gather some courage. Courage to speak, to say something sensible. But I can`t come up with anything else than, I am here. Listening, feeling with you and giving you all my best and warmest thoughts. I hope you feel better,that your father feels better, right this moment. Together or without each other, your love is stronger than paint and this horrible time. You will always have each other no matter what. And he knows..
    I hope you will understand dear Corey.
    I am giving you the best hug ever, take really good care!!
    Warmest love from Aina

    Reply
  26. Kit

    The hardest thing to go through and you have the strength to do it with staunch grace – all my love is coming to you – I pray for the angels to be there with you and lift some of the load from you both.

    Reply
  27. dee/reddirtramblings

    Sigh . . . .
    Your beautiful words give voice and meaning to suffering. Holding you in my hear.~~Dee

    Reply
  28. Liz Ness

    Oh, Corey. I’m so sorry that this is where your journey has taken you both. Hugs and love to you and of course a prayer, too.

    Reply
  29. Lynda ~ Hedgerow Hollow

    Dear Corey …
    I wish there was something that I could say that would ease your pain but I can’t find the words. All I can offer you are my prayers and my hugs … I hope you can feel my arms around you.
    xo,
    Lynda

    Reply
  30. Julie

    I am crying along with you. I, too, am facing my father’s death. Though not as imminent as yours still sooner rather than later. He has pulmoanry fibrosis and it is a terrible way to leave this Earth.
    I pray that you find courage and peace in this journey. For it is one of the hardest things to be part of. No one wants their parents to suffer this way.

    Reply
  31. Kris

    Chère Corey.

    Reply
  32. Paula

    Hug

    Reply
  33. Elaine L.

    Corey,
    What you are experiencing is so difficult. I pray that when my father’s time comes that he’ll go in his sleep. I don’t think I could bear watching his suffering. Sometimes, I think that the suffering prepares us to be able to release our loved one and for them to finally give in to God’s will.
    Why do some suffer and other’s just go? My aunt died at 94 while sitting in her wheelchair listening to a conversation between two friends. She literally took a deep breath and was gone.
    I agree with others who have said that sometimes a person hangs, on in suffering, for their loved ones. Many people die when no one is in the room. I have heard many stories of people who die minutes after the family has given them permission.
    When a person has an easy death, we always say it’s a blessing.
    I pray that your father’s suffering will soon end.
    ~elaine~

    Reply
  34. Tess

    Corey, when you and your family started on this long journey I wonder if you could have known where your words would go.
    Reading through the comments, I know that I am not the only one finding solace and a degree of catharsis through your poetic words for our own various losses and griefs.
    Your willingness to share the rawness of your own pain reaches out to others in such a beautiful way.
    Praying for you all.

    Reply
  35. Mahala

    Corey, my heart so goes out to you. My Dad passed in 2006 and he wanted to be home instead of a convalescent home, so I left my family and moved in with him in another town for two months. I was his 24/7 care giver with the help of our local Hospice. My husband brought the kids often and it was a nice help.
    My dad went from sitting watching tv with me to having to be carried to totally in bed in just days. It was so hard to see him hallucinate and to calm him. Then when he slept, I’d sit by him for so long just looking at him.
    On the fourth of July he thought an intruder was breaking in his window, but it was just the towns fireworks display. There were so many scary nights for him and he had fun animated conversations with “someone” as well. Oh yeah, my dad had no voice box so I never heard a sound from him only his eyes and hands could tell me what he wanted and needed.
    Oh wow, I’d better stop, it gets to me still.
    You are a wonderful person to stay with your dad and look after him the way you do. Not everyone can do that. I have three siblings and they couldn’t bring themselves to see my dad, it was killing them…and me.
    Your Dad is blessed to have you.

    Reply
  36. Chris Kalina

    Corey,
    Not too long ago I was where you are right now as my 8 siblings and I sat with my mother as we waited for that final peace. It is important to let him know it’s o.k. to leave, and reassure him that you will be o.k., hard as that might be. My prayers are with you.

    Reply
  37. Wendi Kelly

    Oh Corey,
    I remember oh too well the final vigil at my aunt’s bed as she cried in pain and confusion.
    How hard it was to learn that there truely are worse things than death, that death can become a sweet and beautiful relief for those who suffer and for those who believe that there is a better place to go.
    Corey, the last three days, we made the choice to leave the intensive care and go to a beautiful Hospice. There were classical guitars and music playing, praying and singing her favorite music, family and friends gathered round, telling wonderful stories. What a shift in the atmosphere. The fear was gone, the moaning and groaning gone, she slept peacefully. Those days were such an amazing wonderful gift and an exquisite journey toward her new life…
    When it feels like there is no hope, there is still hope. There is hope of gentle peace and the end of pain.
    My heart is with you.
    Wendi Kelly

    Reply
  38. Christine

    I think through all of your posts I have come to conclusion that your mom and dad must be amazing people to have you and their other children and family care so much to be there for them. Your Dad must realize this on a deep level. He’s reaping the love he sowed with his family in the most difficult part of his life.
    Sending positive thoughts your way.

    Reply
  39. Tammy

    Corey,
    I continue to pray. So much has been said here so I will just add my prayers for all of you.
    love and hugs

    Reply
  40. Diogenes

    Dear Corey,
    Your heart and mind are works of art.

    Reply
  41. Julia

    Oh, Corey, my heart just breaks for you. Your words are so touching and heartfelt, and if I can feel their depth of caring from across the internet, I can only imagine how deeply your father feels your love with you right beside hime helping him in his hours of need. Many blessings as you weather this storm. My prayers are with you and your family.

    Reply
  42. Vicki

    Corey as I sit here with tears rolling down my face all I can do is pray for you and your family and send you thoughts of love and peace. You are an incredible daughter and what love surrounds your father…he is a very rich man. Hugs and love!!!

    Reply
  43. Kelley

    I know that this is not easy and we all are praying for your father and your family. Someone early posted that your father may be waiting for “permission” to pass. I think that is what my grandfather did. He truly waited for all of us to be there, he got up in his wheelchair and sat and chatted with us a bit and then that night he passed. So maybe, as hard as it is to hear, you do need to go ahead and tell him that you love him but it is okay to “fly away”. All my love for you and yours.

    Reply
  44. Rosemary

    Dear Corey,
    I feel so sad for you and your family. My heart dropped reading this post.
    My prayers are with you, and your family.
    Rosemary

    Reply
  45. Jeni

    your in my thoughts and prayers. I have stood where you stand, looking into the eyes of my Father,last March. I wish I had the words
    to ease the pain in your heart. You so eloquently put into words what you are experiencing. Just know you are not standing alone.

    Reply
  46. Gillian

    Corey
    Who better to be by his side than you. What a lucky man, to have raised such a caring, conscientious daughter who is holding such a tireless vigil as this? Your father. So fortunate to have you all there right now. You are so strong to post these very personal and close happenings…my thoughts are still and will be with you.
    Much love to you and a big hug for your dad,
    Gillian
    xoxo

    Reply
  47. Sarah

    Corey,
    hugs, prayers and thoughts to you, your father and your family. My mom told me as she was dying, “its not the worst thing, now is it”, I had to honestly respond no. I feel for you.
    Sarah

    Reply
  48. Alison Whittington

    Corey, my thoughts and love are with you. I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer that others haven’t already shared, but I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you.
    I think there’s a web of love around the world from your readers, specially for you and your dad and your family.

    Reply
  49. wilsonian

    Oh Corey…
    Lord, have mercy.
    xo

    Reply
  50. Michelle R.

    Corey, I don’t know you but my heart goes out to you and yours. I also am praying … fly away, fly away. May you feel the peace as it surrounds your entire family.

    Reply
  51. Kathy Woods

    Dear Corey
    I have only just come across your blog. I feel for you so much…..I too have been in this place, not quite as far from home as you are, but I live on on the other side of Australia from my family,(all of us having left England many years ago).
    You are so brave and strong and that will get you through this. Your Dad is so very lucky to have you as his daughter. I know how much it meant to my Dad when I arrived and how much I was able to help in the time I was there.
    Cry when you need to, stay strong when you can and just be there.
    take care
    Kathy

    Reply
  52. tinker

    My heart and prayers are with you, Corey. An image came to me while reading your words – of an antique birdcage with a beautiful bird inside…even though the birdcage may once have been gilded and lovely, over all the years it has become rusty and slowly, piece by piece, it is falling apart. Though the bird is a little frightened by what is happening to what was once his home, by the time the last piece of the cage falls away, the beautiful bird realizes he is free now to soar in the heavens – and flies away…
    I have stood in your shoes – more than once – though for not as long as you have been standing in them – but what seemed more than long enough for the ones I loved… I know how badly those shoes pinch and hurt as you try to make your way on your path…
    I wish I could ease your sorrow and bring you some comfort…I hope it helps at least a little, to know so many of us are thinking of you and praying for you and your family.
    Many ((hugs)) to you, my friend~XOXO

    Reply
  53. Suze

    Fly, fly precious one
    Your endless journey has begun
    Take your gentle happiness
    Far too beautiful for this
    Cross over to the other shore
    There is peace forevermore
    But hold this memory bittersweet
    Until we meet
    ~~~~~~~~~~~
    Corey,
    the hardest part is telling them to fly away…I didn’t get to be there when my mom flew away or when my first husband, like yours, died suddenly. But I was so luckly to be with my best friend Michael who died from a short but heroic battle against cancer. I was able, like you to spend endless hours holding his hand, caring for him. I’ll never forget the feeling of him rubbing his thumb across my hand and our eyes meeting, knowing how much we loved each other. And in those last moments before he flew into Gods loving arms, I was able to tell him how much I loved him and that it was okay to be scared, okay to let “US” go. I would watch over his wife and we would never forget him…he died five minutes later. The lyrics above are from a song by Celine. We played it at his memorial and it was so beautiful because I knew he was flying…
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Fly, fly do not fear
    Don’t waste a breath, don’t shed a tear
    Your heart is pure, your soul is free
    Be on your way, don’t wait for me
    Above the universe you’ll climb
    On beyond the hands of time
    The moon will rise, the sun will set
    But I won’t forget
    I continue to hold you and your sweet daddy in my heart and prayers…
    Suze

    Reply
  54. Lilly

    I’ve been dreaming of my dad these past few nights and I think it’s sharing your experience here that has brought him back to my thoughts. As I’ve said, I was also the night shift for my dad and your experience is much like mine. The night, the window, the sound of the machines and my dad, with all the pillows. My heart goes out to you because I know this is so hard but as you already know, you’ll be so glad forever that you were there. It will end although it might seem endless right now. I have 3 siblings and a stepmother and it turned out that only one sister could really stay the course with me. It’s a testament to you that you are doing this and a testament to the love you have for your dad and he for you. I pray for peace and freedom for you both.

    Reply
  55. Beth

    Wow, that was powerful. We just went through exactly what you described with my grandmother. Terror at being there when she flew away, terror at NOT being there when she left. In the end, I was there. So glad…
    Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  56. deirdre

    I’m holding you in my heart everyday.

    Reply
  57. clarice

    You are not alone, we are with you in prayer. Love Clarice

    Reply
  58. Olivia

    Corey, I feel so deeply for you. I have been present for the pain and the transition into death of so many loved ones. Each situation is unique but I have found that simply trying to not resist and being present for whatever my loved one is going through is so important. And communicating even if they can’t. Sharing my love and my thoughts and telling them I am with them and they don’t have to worry about me or look after me. And saying whatever comes up in the moment. Soul talk, uncensored. When my sister died my niece and I were with her and it was like helping someone learn to fly. Following every movement and being with her. And when she left we felt this enormous rush and opening move through our hearts. I absolutely knew she was safe and free of pain and struggle. There were other women in the room, one who was going to die. She said she felt so happy to have experienced the beauty of it. It sounds odd, but we all felt joyous. It felt exactly like a birth and all the pain she had gone through, like labour pains, was gone and easy to forget because we felt her arrival and even went a little way there with her. Other passings have been more difficult, but I always keep this with me to encourage myself to be as present as I can. You are such a strong spirit. Feel all of our prayers with you as you meet this sacred time with your father.

    Reply
  59. Julie Loeschke

    Holding you daily in my heart and lifting you all up before Our Father in prayer. You have an amazing ministry here, Corey, and have provided a resting place for many broken hearts.

    Reply
  60. ~Kim

    Oh, Corey. This is so hard. I am so sorry for all the pain and sorrow you are experiencing. I pray you will experience the loving comfort of God’s presence with you there in that hospital room. He loves you and your father so.

    Reply
  61. marge

    Corey, just know that my prayers and heart are with you and your family.I will say an extra Rosary for your dear father this evening.

    Reply
  62. Tracie

    Corey,
    A candle has been lit and a prayer has been said for your father. It is not an easy thing to give a loved one “permission to go” – I know. I pray for you and your family in this difficult time.
    My heart is with you and all these feelings that even after years, still sometime make no sense.
    God be with you in comfort, Corey.

    Reply
  63. Carolyn

    Corey, holding you close.
    Bless you
    Carolyn

    Reply
  64. Betty @ She’s Sew Pretty

    Corey,
    I read this to my husband tonight. He works many nights in the I.C.U.. He asked me to print this out so that he can take it to work for the nurses to read. He believes that this was a sermon taken from real life and it has blessed him and he would like to share it and bless other people he works with. Bless you and your family Corey. My heart as always goes out to you my friend.

    Reply
  65. JanePoe (aka Deborah)

    Sending peace, love and prayers to you, your father and your family. xx, JP/deb

    Reply
  66. Steph

    Many hugs to you and your family Corey.

    Reply
  67. sepia art studio

    sending many healing & loving doves in your way…
    delila

    Reply
  68. MARYBETH

    ((( PRECIOUS cOREY)))
    it really is o k to whisper “fly away home”
    it is incredibly hard to do; but, often it is just what a soul needs to hear
    it is O.K. to let go.
    We hold you all in Prayer as we pray for Virgil too
    We walk with in every moment of this most sacred transition.
    Sending Love to you precious Corey
    xo

    Reply
  69. Julie Ann

    There will not be many reading this not doing so through tears Corey. Certainly I struggle to find the answers to the questions that we all come to ask at some point. Do you have a vision Corey of the next part of the journey ? I would feel blessed to hear that vision. What you do have beyond a shadow of doubt is true grace and dignity. Lucky Mummy & Daddy Amos and lucky French husband and family. Dearest thoughts and prayers Corey, Jx

    Reply
  70. Suzanne – The Farmer’s Wife

    Corey,
    It’s such a difficult journey you are on with your father. What you’ve learned through your writings here is that many, many others have been in your place. It’s an experience we share, each with our own perspective but with some many things in common. Everything you are doing is so important for you father….everything. I am sure, even though he can’t communicate, that he is amazed at the love, faith and strength shown by his family.
    It’s odd you should mention the oxygen bottle sounding like a babbling brook. I sat with my stepfather the day before he passed away. I sat with him in the quiet room, whispering news about the grandkids in his ear. Talking so quietly in an attempt to draw his mind away from the pain. He turned to me ever so slightly and said, “It’s raining outside, it sound so wonderful.” It was only the rustling of the leaves outside his window, but if he wanted it to be soothing rain, so be it.

    Reply
  71. melly

    Dearest Corey,
    Follow your heart. Make your vision a reality. He will fly as soon as he knows that “those left behind” are ready to accept…..
    I send you all my love. May serenity be upon you and your family.
    Avé Maria cheia de graça
    O Senhor é convosco
    Bendita sois vós, entre as mulheres
    e Bendito é o fruto do vosso ventre
    Jesus
    Santa Maria
    Mãe de Deus
    Rogai por nós pecadores
    Agora e na hora da nossa morte
    Amen

    Reply
  72. Cat

    There is an awesome Christian song by Chris Rice, this is the final verse:
    “And with your final heartbeat
    Kiss the world goodbye
    Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory’s side, and
    Fly to Jesus
    Fly to Jesus
    Fly to Jesus and live!”
    When it’s time your dad will Fly to Jesus.
    Bless you for your love and patience and endurance. You must be such a comfort to him.
    Hugs, Cat

    Reply
  73. My Melange

    Corey,
    When my Grandmother was in a nursing home,(my Mom had taken care of her at home for as long as she could)she had Alzheimers disease and did not know my Mom anymore, which was hard for my Mom. One night my Mom told her it was ok to go, ok to leave and patted her hand. She passed peacefully the next day. Even though my Grandmother didn’t realize who my Mom was, she probably just needed to hear that it was ok.
    I am sure it is a very difficult time for you, but I hope you know we are here for you and I am sending all my love, hugs and prayers your way.
    xoxo

    Reply
  74. Marva Plummer-Bruno

    Corey – this so reminds me of when my dad had cancer and I had the night shift while my mom had the day shift. Still saying prayers for you and your dad and family and knowing what you’re going through….. Marva

    Reply
  75. herhimnbryn

    Every word, every touch, every kindness. You open your heart and it all flows over your dear Papa. Let it flow over you to my Dear One.

    Reply
  76. susanna

    Oh, Corey. I wish I could give you a big hug and pour you a glass of wine tonight.

    Reply
  77. Betty C.

    How devoted you are — your writing has become even more lovely during this experience. I admire how you can put your emotion into words; big hugs from France.

    Reply
  78. cruststation

    Such heartfelt sentiments…stay strong.

    Reply

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