Stories Collected While Living in France

French la Vie

Jumping over Muddy Water

                            Molly

The rice fields are flooded, the seeds are taken root, the harvest will come months later…. yet today the water stagnates; it is bittersweet. Life in its many moments, rich are the cycles, the seasons, the different stages…

Everything reminds us of my father…and he is no longer here….

Molly jumps the muddy overflow from the nearby rice field. Having little nieces and nephews around in this moment aids healing…they simply live, rejoice and beg us to do the same. Jump!

Yet jumping is not as easy as Molly makes me believe it is…life goes on….with each day moving us further away from my father’s physical being and begs us to find him spiritually.

Jump. My heart is not stagnant, and my tears make everything muddy.

Comments

50 responses to “Jumping over Muddy Water”

  1. tommie

    muddy tears and a stagnant heart is moving in the right direction.
    PS I have pointed a fellow blogger in your direction. Her dad is in ICU now. The way you have written your feelings these last few months are so powerful! I can only hope it will bring her peace.

    Reply
  2. Dawn

    You sweetie. I wish I could give you a big hug. I’m so sorry, Corey, I know you miss him…much love, Dawn

    Reply
  3. Barbara Sydney Australia

    Corey, darling, I do know how you are feeling. During my times of grief I couldn’t understand how the world around me continued. People laughing,yelling, shopping, cars and buses flashing by, business as usual etc etc, didnt they know what had happened, why hadn’t everything stopped?
    I guess I realised finally that it’s life, Corey, and thank God it continues inspite of all the pain and loss we all feel from time to time.
    Keep talking about your Dad, quote him, laugh and cry at the stories and memories.
    Most of all be kind to yourself.
    Barbara x

    Reply
  4. Marie-Noëlle

    When your life
    gets a crump,
    When in your throat
    you have a lump,
    When on your mind
    you have the hump,
    When your whole body
    hurts like a big bump,
    When you think
    you’re in the dump
    -head, feet and rump-
    A child is a beautiful pump
    that can drain the sump…
    … and help you to JUMP !

    Reply
  5. Cindy

    “Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”
    Inuit Proverb

    Reply
  6. Kit

    “with each day moving us further away from my father’s physical being and begs us to find him spiritually”
    Corey I keep marvelling over the way you find the perfect words to describe the feelings of loss so well, this is just what it is after having lost a father and I only had a foggy sense of it until you crystallised it in words for me. Thanks – you are sharing so much despite your pain and grief.

    Reply
  7. Pam

    Still lifting you in prayer, and sending healing thoughts your way. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Lots of love, Pam

    Reply
  8. Jeanne

    Take baby steps during these fragile days my darling one…….and jump if you feel you can………..me I am still walking tenderly on egg shells and it will be 2 years this summer since my beloved Mother was called to Heaven.
    I love you
    I pray for you and all your family~
    God bless you all real good.
    Love Jeanne

    Reply
  9. christine

    Dear Corey – this part is of the process is not fun….the adjusting to your father not being there takes a life time. I lost my dad very suddenly 25 years ago and I still ache for him. Be gentle with yourself, let the tears flow and know he is always with you.
    christine

    Reply
  10. pauline

    TICA – this is the hardest time, this getting used to being without. But you have passed through the time of waiting and now your niece is right – this is the jumping time. Sing through your tears and eventually the song will take root.

    Reply
  11. berriehead

    awww Corey;( It is these days I wish to just be able to JUMP OVER! I’m still here thinking of you and yours daily. I had a sweater of my granpa’s…. grabbed it off the hook of his closet, after his funeral, I still have it…I wore it around and it felt good to have it…every once in awhile I would catch a small whiff…of old spice..:) it felt good…(still have that sweater) now it is on the hook in my closet. Brighter happier days will come soon, they really will.

    Reply
  12. marcie

    I know about grief as well dear Corey, it will ease. How nice it will be to see those who pass over again. Some comfort in that belief. You and yours are in my prayers. Here is a big hug for you. (((((())))))
    Love
    Marcie

    Reply
  13. rochambeau

    I’m sorry friend!
    Sending a hug.
    love,
    Constance
    It is said, the only way around the pain is through the pain.

    Reply
  14. Merisi

    Thinking of you.

    Reply
  15. Shannon

    Awww. (((((Hugs))))) to you, Corey.

    Reply
  16. Joy

    I distinctly remember the feeling I experienced when I lost my brother suddenly 4 years ago… I looked around and the world was continuing – life was continuing unabashedly without him. I wanted to scream. My life – and my families life – had changed dramatically and we had this HUGE hole that was un-fillable. It seemed cruel that life could go on without him. He is actually the reason I started my Hope Jar. Oh, the stages of grief – they are undeniable.
    I continue to pray for you Corey – and your family – especially your Mom. God’s grace is the only thing that will get you through. Grief is work. Hard work and sometimes you get up in the morning and you don’t feel like ‘going to work’. Those days are o.k. Take a sick day that day! Allow yourself to grieve.
    Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.
    Romans 5:3-4
    Love,
    Joy

    Reply
  17. Candy

    Beautifully written. Keep writing. Let the tears flow. Try to keep up with the children or at least let them flow over you. And always tell us stories of your dad. We want to hear them.

    Reply
  18. Mary

    The void will eventually be filled by all the beautiful and positive memories – and you have tons – of your dear father Corey. The grief has to be endured first and little everyday happenings will bring tears. Let them flow, it’s the best way.
    Your great love will never falter, you just have to feel it and show it in a different way.
    Thinking of you and your mom – sending love and blessings.
    Mary.

    Reply
  19. Julie

    My father died suddenly in 1985 at the age of 50.My parents were divorced.My mother married to another far away. An only child, I found myself suddenly thrust into the most private world of my father…going through his closet, his papers, his LIFE.Some of the things that struck me most were the mundane objects of his everyday existence…tiny shopping lists with just enough food for one, a prayer for ‘those who live alone’ tacked next to the kitchen sink. Some things I found were heartbreaking. He had saved a note that my mom had written him in a recipe box in the kitchen. He had also saved a note that his father had left for him …it had been tucked in my grandfather’s drawer for my dad to find after my grandfather’s death. In it was a small sum of money and, in my grandfather’s beautiful script…’for Mom.’I found pictures of my dad as a young boy in the 40’s. And they made me cry because he looked so innocent and happy…no hint of the man who’s turbulent life wait ahead. And I was struck at how the world just went on. I would look out the window and wonder how things could be so normal.The world for me would never be the same again.My father was no longer in it. As time went on,my tears turned to fond remembrances and pride at how he struggled to overcome his demons and find some happiness in his life.And now, 23 years later, I find him in the faces of my children and in my heart.And instead of crying, I smile. Love to you Corey.

    Reply
  20. Star

    It will come gradually, Corey. We’re not supposed to forget, just transition.
    You are so lucky to have the young ones around to draw from their glee which cannot be suppressed for long. I can’t believe how Molly has grown from past pictures here.
    Hugs and blessings, Star

    Reply
  21. tut-tut

    The picture says it all. We must jump over and through our hurt and pain, recognizing that it cannot be wished away, or avoided. There is life everywhere, even when the one we ache for is gone. My cousin put it this way, after her mother and mine had died: “They were friends all their living lives.” And so there are living lives and beyond . . .

    Reply
  22. Paula

    As usual after reading what everyone else posted I can’t imagine finding words that could comfort you any more than those already offered.
    Sending out love to land in your heart and make it whole one day soon.
    Love you dear.

    Reply
  23. AscenderRisesAbove

    I am so very sorry for your loss; you have a beautiful way of expressing yourself and we all hear what you are saying.
    (It has been quite awhile since I visited; I don’t know where I got misdirected!)

    Reply
  24. Miss Sandy

    Corey,
    Hold my hand and we will jump together. Yesterday was our final goodbye to my grandmother. We did our best lasts for her and now we too must learn to carry on without her. Praying grace will give you what you need when you need it as you journey forward.

    Reply
  25. martina

    Later on you will look back on the time with family and loved ones and it will give you comfort. I still grieve for my Dad 23 years later but sometimes will see something that was his, talk to someone who remembers him or notice a habit I have is one he had. Mom sometimes says “Oh you are just like your father. He used to do that too and it would irritate me”. Makes me smile inside every time. Grief eases ever ever so slowly, give it time Corey. We love you.

    Reply
  26. Sue McG

    Corey bless you, your Dad is right there, a twinkle in your eye, the next heartbeat, a soft breath in your lungs, a prayer on your lips, the dream before waking, and in Molly’s joyful leap. Take the leap!

    Reply
  27. Rosemary

    Hi Corey,
    Your dad is probably jumping right along with her!!
    Isn’t great to have those children around!!
    Still thinking of you everyday!
    Rosemary

    Reply
  28. Mo’a

    How lovely to see the photo of your little niece…children have a way to show us that life goes on…they are the continuum.
    My thoughts are with you and your lovely family. You are so very lucky to have each other in this your time of need. How is your Mother doing?

    Reply
  29. ~Amy

    I have found, in my experience, that the pain and sadness – when you really really love someone with your whole heart and soul.. never goes away, but the sting becomes a bit less…..and you know…that’s okay.
    It just sucks any way you look at it, though….
    love you muchly…

    Reply
  30. JanePoe (aka Deborah)

    Dear Corey — I am only now reading of your father’s death and the ensuing days … your eulogy was beautiful, just like you and the man who took part in your creation. In the travels of your grief, you will find growth, lessons, and healing. I send you love and peace, xx, JP/deb

    Reply
  31. Maura

    Corey, when my own beloved daughter departed I saw that I no longer knew how to live in a world where she was not. So I’ve had to relearn much, and am doing so even now. It is painful beyond words, isn’t it?
    As my godmother says….”Little by Little.” Don’t put any expectations on yourself right now or for the longest time to come. No one else, is, for sure.
    Still am lighting candles and as the flame burns, prayers ascend.

    Reply
  32. kim

    After my dad died, my mom grieved terribly. She said it was like every little thing wiped him out. She went to church and on the attendance sheet , next to my dad’s name, someone crossed it off and wrote next to it, “Returned to Glory” but that just broke my mom up. As you said, each day moved her a little farther away from my dad’s physical presence. That was really hard for her.
    Everything is hard when someone you love dies.

    Reply
  33. Elizabeth

    This next journey that you are taking, living without the physical presence of your father, is a very difficult time…one longs for the touch, the look of him. Shed your tears, dear Corey, as often as you need. You don’t need to jump with Molly, but just having her (and your other dear young nieces and nephews) is a balm. I so wish you didn’t have to grieve, but it is part of all of our lives and cannot be rushed…and you will move through it, alone in some ways, and yet very much surrounded by family and friends. I will send soft thoughts to you as you walk this next path.

    Reply
  34. Hasmin

    Dear Corey, everyone has their way of grieving, and it seems as though children “move on” faster than we adults do. You’re going thru the process…and that’s ok. After my Dad passed away, every anniversary of his death, I shed tears. So, yes, I’m STILL going thru the process, too. ((hugs))

    Reply
  35. Colette

    Dearest Corey, right now and for a while, you will shed tears that muddy the water. But one day, the mud will settle, and in the clear water you will see your beloved father’s smile.
    xoxo

    Reply
  36. Nancy ~ Fete et Fleur

    Thinking of you Corey… Have a blessed Mother’s Day.
    Hugs! Nancy

    Reply
  37. andrea

    Much love.
    a.

    Reply
  38. kathy

    Dear Corey
    Grieving is very difficult, but is part of the process of healing. Take the time for the tears and allow yourself to grieve.
    Keep close to your heart all of the wonderful memories of your Dad. He will always be in your mind and in your heart so is always with you but in a different way. It takes some time to adjust to that.
    May time pass gently for you and all of your family
    Love Kathy

    Reply
  39. herhimnbryn

    Am not sure who said it but………………
    ‘JUMP
    AND
    THE
    NET
    WILL
    APPEAR’

    Reply
  40. beachy

    With each tear you shed, just think a happy thought of your father to uphold you… then the tears will eventually fade and you will have nothing but joy in your heart when you think of your father. =)

    Reply
  41. Kara

    Corey,
    Willows CA. One of our first dates to the Buckhorn Restaurant. My hubby went to UCD and thought I needed to see this place.
    Thinking of you near there with all your emotions you’re dealing with. Love the pic of your niece. Glad you’re surrounded by children.
    Love,
    Kara

    Reply
  42. Kara

    oops, my hubby was confused on that one. Not willows but winters, CA. Although I have been through willows. {middle of nowhere}!!! no movie stars there, people!! {just rice and famous Corey!!!}
    Love,
    Kara

    Reply
  43. Elaine

    Corey, children understand more than we do. They know how to hold on to the really good things in life.

    Reply
  44. tinker

    Oh Corey, I’m so sorry you are going through this hardest time, when the shock wears off, and it all begins to sink in…
    I remember how my little baby grandgirl and my sister’s baby grandson were the stepping stones for us, that pulled us through that time of losing our mother – how can you not smile back at those happy little faces?
    Thank heavens for little ones that can pull us out of the mud from the puddles of tears – show us how to keep putting one foot in front of the other – eventually leap up and out of the mud, to where we can find moments of sunshine, shining rainbows, even through cloudy skies and storms of teardrops – ‘a little child will lead us…’ They help us remember, even when missing someone so much, it is ok to still find happy moments – the loved ones we miss and cry for, would want that for us too — want the people they love to have every moment of joy, possible.
    Wishing you sunnier, gentler days ahead, dear Corey. Sending you and your family many prayers and ((((hugs))))

    Reply
  45. Carol

    Dearest Corey, you remain in my thoughts and prayers during these days of deep sadness. Love to you, sweet lady.

    Reply
  46. mary ann

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    Reply
  47. Debi

    You have such a way with words, Corey. The love you have, and the memories you cherish of your father are clearly evident in all of your writings. You make me feel as if I’ve taken this journey with you. I hope that each day gets a little easier and that all of your abundant memories give you peace and comfort.
    ((hugs)) and many prayers continue for you and your family.
    -Debi

    Reply
  48. Chris

    Dear Corey,
    I wish I could hug you and sit with you. I’m glad that French husband is there. I love all the stories about your loving amazing Dad. He loved so much and you all loved him right back. What a great goodness. I know he is in the most loving place of all right now. And may you heal bit by bit…step by step.

    Reply
  49. MaryBEth

    Precious Corey,
    you are so brave-walking right into your sadness and staying
    I feel more able to do the same,
    knowing there is a soul sister
    just one long ride of the wind up North
    holding all of you in constant prayer-as closely as the cactus wrens nest holds the delicate eggs of new lives soon to break forth.
    Love, hugs, prayers
    xo

    Reply
  50. Suzanne

    Dear Corey, being the woman, the special person you are, I know that even from the muddy earth you are abble to sculpt the most beautiful pieces to live in your heart.
    Love*

    Reply

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