Stories Collected While Living in France

French la Vie

Souvenirs and Healing Tools

Locketonpostcardcoreyama

Little souvenirs. Tucked in pockets, stuffed in the corner of the drawer, left unattended in a box on top of the closet or under the bed. Moments are treasured and stored within the heart, bobbing in the back of one's mind like a song, and when seeing them again, a smile softly comes to one's face, bringing them to the light.

Locket I remember this feeling… the feeling of emptiness and unbearable loss. I remember this feeling, where the days haunt me, and reality stings as it sinks in. I remember these days when tears sprouted in unusual places, and numbness was a welcome remedy. I remember the feeling when my boyfriend died years ago… and I remember it takes time to go through it… but this is far greater because it takes in my entire family. As my little niece said to my mother, "It doesn't feel the same without Vovo here…"

When someone dies, I believe they come to you in your dreams. I often ask those who have lost someone if they have had a dream of their loved one. French Husband and Chelsea have seen my father in their dreams… the rest of us are still waiting.

Though I have dreams and daydreams over and over again of my time in my father's hospital room. Recurring dreams, dreams without faces or structure…I call them processing dreams, the need to work through the reality of these last ninety days to accept the events that took place and let them go.

Rectangle

The French Husband went back to France. He will return later next month with Chelsea. Sacha arrives in a few weeks. I will remain by my mother's side; I cannot imagine leaving her at this moment. I cannot imagine being away from my children and family in France either, though they cannot imagine me being anywhere other than where I am.

My blog will process the enormous feelings I am carrying around. I will notice the steps to living life without my father; it will share about my family, and watch my mother accept the hole in her heart. This blog, this healing tool, this therapeutic office, and this gathering of friends will hopefully listen and help me surrender and carry on.

Please bear with me as I sort out this depth of time.

Comments

75 responses to “Souvenirs and Healing Tools”

  1. Alison Gibbs

    Corey as you know it all takes time. It is a time of healing and reflection.
    Alison

    Reply
  2. Barbara Sydney Australia

    How amazing that technology as in the internet has given us this ability to connect throughout the world. This painful journey you are travelling dear Corey is being shared by me in Australia and who knows how many others in far flung parts of this planet.
    It is so wonderful to think that your blog unites us almost as a family and though we may all lead very different lives our needs and values are really the same.
    Thank you so very much for your generosity of spirit and your warm open heart, I hope you know just how much it is appreciated by all.
    Barbara x

    Reply
  3. Isabel ~ Maison Douce

    Corey, I feel like your beautiful words, your openess and willingness to share your most intimate journeys brings me so much more than I could bring you… Place your heart in the hands of those who love you, and it will become whole again.

    Reply
  4. Caffienated Cowgirl

    Oh, I feel for you, being torn between two worlds. Continue to use your blog…we are all still here with you.

    Reply
  5. Y

    corey, i am sure that your father will visit you in your dreams and comfort you…
    i can’t read your blog without crying these days…, 🙁
    i hope time helps to heal your heart.
    oxoxox y

    Reply
  6. sepia art studio

    we are here for you Corey <3
    we will listen what ever your heart wants to pour on the blog.

    Reply
  7. TACE

    Since my Grandma died a few years back…actually, almost 10 years (how can it be so long?) I have had dreams about her. At least 3, the first she sat, quiet, as if unnoticed at a table in my Aunt’s house and it was if I was the only one who saw her, she looked at me, and she smiled at me and her eyes were CLEAR, the Alzheimer’s gone. It was a great dream, I still remember it and I feel like it was more than just a dream…

    Reply
  8. Rachael

    Sending warm thoughts your way. Rachael

    Reply
  9. Marie-Noëlle

    I would like to find some poetry to write about loss… but my own experience makes things difficult.
    So I have chosen to share it with you, Corey.
    My mother died with cancer when I was 18 – she was 37.
    She had been more than a mother to me… I held her for a goddess… a living angel…
    For one year, I dreamed of her every single night… but my dream was like a nightmare making me suffocate … I took the habit to stay up and to go to bed as late as possible , fearing to go to sleep and to dive into that “dream” again…
    Life brought me husband and children… who have taken all my time and all my heart…
    Still there is a hole there… its shape has changed… Its edges too – less sharp and no more cutting…
    The loss is still felt and lived daily. I’m 50 now and I still miss her.

    Reply
  10. Quinn

    Your father will come to you. I know this. My brother was killed in VietNam. It took many years for me to see him again, I never believed in that stuff. Then, the weekend we were gathered at the beach for my mother’s 75th birthday, there he was. I was reading a book, my son was playing with his child in the sand. I looked up and it suddenly wasn’t my son, but my brother for a blinding moment. I burst into tears from the shock of it, I never expected this. Ever. That moment changed my life. When I told my parents about it later, they were very matter of fact, they admitted that they’d seen him many times already! I seldom talk about this it seems surreal….
    Quinn

    Reply
  11. Jeanne

    Corey, as I am sure you have done so already, during these most fragile days, you will take baby steps through your journey of grief………..There is no cure for grief except to grieve……………
    Those who live forever in our hearts are never far away.
    How fortunate your Mom is to have you near and have so much love and support from family.
    I know you are all fragile.
    With much love and many prayers………..and family and friends, and God’s good care……and angels everywhere~…..embrace them………….
    God will help you through as well.
    I am always here for you.
    I love you dearly~
    I send my love to you all for your family near and far.
    Love Jeanne

    Reply
  12. Deb

    I often dream of my grandmother, and frequently feel her walking behind me during challenging days. This process is so necessary and of course we are all listening. Still praying and sending love, Deb x

    Reply
  13. laura

    Give yourself plenty of time – don’t rush to ‘get back to normal’ – allow yourself the feelings that you’re blogging about. You are wise to recogonize that time will help you work through everything, so will being around family and allowing yourself rest.
    Tight hugs.
    laura

    Reply
  14. mary

    It is always very moving to find old things that have a true meaning…

    Reply
  15. mary ann

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo mary ann

    Reply
  16. constance lefevre forehand

    corey, i feel as though i know your family. your rosary holding dear father. your dancing with grandchildren mother. the loving bond with french husband and children.your beautiful mind and your gift of words sharing with all of us. i have prayed for all of you and encourage you to put things that are too painfull away for another day when you are stronger. your father wants you to be at peace. GOD will bless you and walk you thru this valley

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  17. Candy

    Corey – Process away my friend. We are here for you in our meager abilities wishing we could do so much more. I love hearing that FH and Chelsea have had dreams of your father. This is my prayer – that he would come to comfort each of you, especially your mom and yourself, that you can see him healthy, happy and whole – healed.

    Reply
  18. Cheryl in California

    Dear Corey, When my Dad died I had so many dreams about him. On certain occasions I could even hear his laugh, as if he was in the room with us. One time I swore I saw him on a street corner waiting for the light to change. Was he really there for an instant, or was it a figment of my grieving imagination? It really doesn’t matter. We can only choose to allow ourselves to really feel and remember what we are experiencing in that moment. So, allow yourself to experience everything that you feel, and don’t let anyone tell you how to or how long to grieve! We’re here for you!

    Reply
  19. Miss Sandy

    Corey,
    Take all the healing time you need, we will still be here. Still praying.

    Reply
  20. Wendi Kelly

    I am here reading,still praying. It isn’t a question of bearing with you, but of sharing with you, willingly taking the journey with you, holding you in love, hugs and friendship. You choose to share so much with us, we choose to give it back to you translated in prayers.
    You may not be able to see him yet in dreams,through your grief, but He is there.In time, you will be able to tell.

    Reply
  21. Paula

    Good Morning Corey,
    I’m here for you.

    Reply
  22. the farmers wife

    He will come to you in dreams.
    You are correct that your blog has become a place to process all that has happened to you….with the help of others who have had similar experiences. It’s a wonderful gift and a wonderful thing that you are so open and sharing. It’s an amazing process.
    I feel so terrible that you are torn between your responsibilities concerning your mother and your longing for your own family. This entire experience will transform you in ways you never dreamed of. I will be honored to witness it.
    – Suzanne, the Farmer’s Wife

    Reply
  23. Karin

    You will dream, and when you do you will know that he is still vital and vibrant.
    I remember dreaming about my grandfather when I was first pregnant with my last child. He told me he was fine and that he loved me and to take care of his great-granddaughter. Ainslie was born 8 months later. He knew her and loved her and wanted me to know that.
    Your dad will come, and when he does it will be a peaceful, sweet gift of knowing that he is well and watching over you still. He will never be far away.

    Reply
  24. Star

    Yes, it will take time, and it is a process you cannot rush. Thank you for allowing us to walk with you as you continue down this path.

    Reply
  25. Hillary

    He will come. It was three months to the day that my Grandmother came with my Grandfather to let me know that they were both fine and I was fine and everything will be okay. I was the best dream that I have ever had. It still hurts and brings me joy to think about it. I know that she still come around because of her smell and she opens the cabinets on pieces of her furniture and they still smells of her house. I continue to pray for you and the family. I know that you can’t wait to see your children. They will be a great comfort for you and you to them. Love and prayers.

    Reply
  26. Julie Ann

    You express this so very well Corey and must surely touch us all. It is two and a half years since my mummy passed and still the processing continues. My father is here with me today “living with the hole in his heart”. Mummy is always here though, and will remain so evermore in our hearts. It will be an honour and a gift to follow you on this life journey. Peace and God Bless, Jx

    Reply
  27. gretchen

    We are here for you, dearest Corey, we are here… with love and prayers, we are always here.
    hugs, gretchen

    Reply
  28. anna

    You share your heart so openly, Corey…thank you. You are exactly where you’re meant to be right now, doing exactly what you’re doing. Allow yourself to be, to grieve the loss of your dear Father, and to be the blessing and comfort you are, not only to your Mother and family, but to all of us whom you’ve allowed on your heart’s journey. Peace to you, dear friend.

    Reply
  29. Rosemary

    Yes Corey, I will still be here, reading your every word. I think of you everyday.
    The asnwer to your question, is yes. They do come back in dreams. That is how they visit. I often have dreams of loved ones, who a no longer on this earth.
    Rosemary

    Reply
  30. tut-tut

    You will need lots of time; what an amazing family you have behind you, Corey.

    Reply
  31. Julie

    I remember the homesick feeling when my husband would go on business trips. I dreaded his leaving. You must miss FH and kids so much. But I am sure your mom needs you very much these days. What a comfort you are to her. And yes, I had many dreams when my dad died. And they did help me to process my feelings. I’ll be here listening everyday, Corey, and commenting now and then.

    Reply
  32. Elizabeth

    We are here for you, dear Corey. Never doubt that. I am glad to be of some comfort to you, just by letting you know that I will remain a faithful reader of this journey. Your words not only help you, but they are incredibly strenghening to me, as I move through difficult health journeys with my own family. My heart is with you.

    Reply
  33. martina

    My Dad passed away many years ago but I am reminded of him daily and often feel his presence. Usually I feel his presence when attempting home repairs or making stuff. He is right by me saying “just step back, think about what you are doing, you are totally capable”. Corey-you may want to consider a a few years from now, having your blog entries from this time put in a book. They might offer great comfort to othes. Big hugs!

    Reply
  34. Kathy Delgado

    Corey-My heart is heavy and my eyes filled upon reading your words and hearing what has transpired over the last 2 weeks. There is no greater love than support of a family…how blessed for all of you that you have one another to lean on. Thank you for sharing your journey with us all. Prayers and positive energy are being sent to you, your mother, and your entire family from Los Angeles. Blessings–

    Reply
  35. annieelf

    Dear Corey, I walk this road with you as I watch from afar. I reflect on the loss of my parents. I reflect on the sacrifice my son made so that his wife could be close to her family as her brother passed on. I bless you dear husband and children for the unconditional love and understanding they give you. Annie

    Reply
  36. Wandering Chopsticks

    Corey,
    I know you’re not Buddhist so I don’t know if what I say will comfort you.
    Buddhists believe the soul lingers for 49 days after death. Does the soul wander the world to visit loved ones? Does the soul hover close to home and family? Who’s to say it wasn’t your dad’s soul who visited Chelsea because she wasn’t able to come for his funeral?
    If the soul does wander though, every 7th day after death, it returns home. That’s why we have altar offerings on every 7th day until the 49th day. Then after that, on the 100th day. And then he moves on to heaven, only to return on his death anniversary each year.
    Maybe this belief came about to gradually enable people to let go. I do not know, but I hope it might comfort you a little.

    Reply
  37. shannon in oregon

    as you sort, you help others who are going through the same thing…only perhaps without the amazing support system you have within reach.
    you are a blessing to many of us, corey.

    Reply
  38. Colette

    I will travel with you.
    Your Papa will come to you when the time is right.
    It took a year before my husband came to me in a dream with a very strong message of love… but that was because his death was traumatic.
    xoxo

    Reply
  39. Pat

    I will continue with you, on your journey, dear Corey.
    You are in my thoughts, daily.
    Pat

    Reply
  40. Tamara Giselle

    Putting feelings one has into words is so difficult but yet they flow from you like warmed honey.
    I had a vision of my mother the day she passed on after a 3 year long battle with two different cancers. She died a horrible death and was just a fraction of her original self when she passed on but in the vision she was in her prime, I would say mid 30’s, vibrant, smiling, dressed in a beautiful white dress, with a sash around her beautiful figure. It brought great comfort and was a gift from God.
    We also had a summer rain shower the evening of her passing. We had a pretty dry summer that year, but that afternnon and evening it rained and rained and we had a beautiful lightning storm. When we were kids Mom would always gather us together to watch the lightning storms and once again she had gathered us together from across the country to view the spectacle together, but this time she just had a different view. But it brought us such a peace and we knew all was well and that indeed life continues, not only here but in a life after.

    Reply
  41. Jeanne

    What the heart once owned and had it shall never lose……..
    My Mother comes to my Sister’s dreams but I feel her presence all around me and I know she sends me the lovely rainbows and butterflies and cranes that appear out of nowhere.
    Love you
    Jeanne

    Reply
  42. linda

    My father lived with us in our home for seven months before he died. We watched him go from his robust healthy self to this tiny weakling that barely resembled the man we knew, and loved. I took care of my dad, I still had to take care of my five children, so I was always in control. Never a moment to sit and process. After dad died I grieved, and grieved. I still couldn’t believe he was gone. One morning I woke up very early, but was still a little tired. I left my bedroom, and went to lay down on the couch. I was in that place between sleep and awake when I saw my dad. He didn’t say anything, but I could feel him. The background was blue and hazy, and I could see his beautiful amber eyes. I knew then that he was okay. I woke up, and tears were streaming down my face. From reading your writings these past few months I know our Lord has welcomed your father into his loving arms. Maybe Vovo came to French Husband to be sure that he picks up where your dad left off. He will take care of you. He will be your champion. You are surrounded by love, time will heal. God’s Blessing poured onto you.

    Reply
  43. frenchgardenhouse

    I remember this feeling too….especially at the moment you wake up each morning, and realize that it’s really true.
    What a gift you have, Corey, for sharing your feelings and sorrow. And what a ministry God has given you during this time through your blog.
    praying for all of you,
    xo Lidy

    Reply
  44. Betty @ She’s Sew Pretty

    Corey, You will find your father is all around you. My first birthday after my dad died, we had a party at my home but I was just so sad. He always gave me sappy, beautiful cards. I walked outside to get away from every one and right outside facing my door was the most beautiful double rainbow I have ever seen. To this day, I think my dad “sent” it to me. Bless you Corey. Take care of yourself.

    Reply
  45. lila

    Taking a break from my painting projects to stop by and see how you are. You are in my prayers.
    (your blog is truly healing)

    Reply
  46. Amylia Grace

    Corey,
    Thank you for sharing yourself with us all and for allowing us the pleasure (and it is a pleasure even amidst the pain) of traveling alongside you and bearing witness to all that is. You are an inspiration and your life touches so many of us. Despite all the sadness, I do not pity you at all, for you seem extremely blessed to me, and knowing heartbreak and sorrow as intimately as you seem to must serve only to enhance all the joyful moments of your life, as well.
    The contrasts are striking and beautiful. And I thank you for opening my eyes to that.

    Reply
  47. Hasmin

    I too believe that loved ones, who have passed on, come to you in dreams. I think it’s a way for them to let you know that they are ok, or that they want to communicate what they didn’t get around to telling you, when they where alive. Comforting ((hugs)) to you dear Corey and your family, esp. to your Mom.

    Reply
  48. Susan

    Corey
    Your blog brings tears to my eyes. Your writing is so very eloquent. I have been following your blog, and my heart breaks for you and your family. Though I don’t often comment, I am here and have been praying for you daily.
    My mom died 7 years ago. I have always felt that the yellow butterfly that comes to me in my backyard is her spirit. This past Valentine’s Day when my dad passed away, I was sitting outside his home when two yellow butterflies fluttered around me. Together again!
    Your dad will let you know that he is still with you.
    I wish for you peace and joy!

    Reply
  49. Elaine

    Corey, I have only lost two precious beloved people in my life, my father and my paternal grandmother. There are others whom I have loved but not in the same way. I hold objects that belonged to them and caress them with my hands and hold them to my cheek to feel some part of them still touching me, here on earth. I smell the objects as if some scent of them is left for me to absorb into my being. It is difficult this process of accepting their departure from earth. They are still with us and always will be but their physical presence is missed so much. I hold you in my heart and prayers.

    Reply
  50. deirdre

    I believe the same about dreams. My sister comes to me in dreams quite often. We talk, we hug, I cry. Those dreams are very different from the processing dreams.
    I’m glad you’re staying a while longer and that your family will be here soon. There’s great healing in holding the people we love.

    Reply
  51. stljoie

    I know this is hard to believe right now…but the painful thoughts and memories become loving pleasant treasures. I am now older than my dad was when he died in 1970. I can close my eyes and feel him carrying me…I can even smell him. The same with my mother, gone now one year. It’s almost like they became an internal part of me…there always. This will come in time.

    Reply
  52. Tess

    It’s a rocky, bumpy road you have still to travel, but my guess is that there will be many times you will feel “Vovo” walking close beside you.
    That’s how it’s been for me.

    Reply
  53. Robi Rogers

    Dear Corey,
    This is my first entry after several weeks of reading your beautiful words. Your cousin Mary directed me to your blog…she said, “You must read it, her writing is so beautiful,” and she was right!
    As I sat behind you and your family in church yesterday, Mother’s Day, I couldn’t concentrate on Farther O’Brien’s sermon…I was focused on you and your family. I was praying hard, hoping in some divine way that you could hear me. Hoping that you could hear me sending you comfort and strength on this painful journey. I have walked in your shoes, I know how your “feet” hurt…it’s been over 32 years since I lost my dad and 17 for my mom. I’m an only child and I know only too well how you’re feeling. It will always hurt, just not so bad. Time does heal, as they say, it just takes a lot of time…be patient, be open, just be.
    I wish you peaceful dreams of daddy.
    Robi from Willows

    Reply
  54. stephanie

    Dear Corey,
    I am so glad to hear that this blog is such a comfort, such a tool for you… I agree in the magnatitude of this miracle.
    we too have lost loved ones and many things trigger memories, both good and bad….hard ones at times.
    know we are all here for you.
    x..x

    Reply
  55. Dee/reddirtramblings

    Of course, we will listen. We are walking the journey with you step by step.~~Dee

    Reply
  56. Julie Streckert

    Corey,
    I’m so, so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish there were words that could take away the pain of your loss, but I know there are none. Please know you are loved.
    Juliebean

    Reply
  57. Kris Franklin

    Cory,
    I have just purchased Somerset Life’s spring 2008 edition. It was there that I came across your article which led me to your blog. I am so very,very sorry for your loss. It is a heartfelt sorrow as I have lost my mother, my mother-in-law, my father-in-law, and my grandparents. It is a very sad journey that you and your family walk at this time and I am sure your mother feels a darkness and sadness that she cannot fully explain. Let me just say this.
    I have had numerous visits from my mom, mother-in-law, father-in-law and grandparents. They come to me and I know immediately who they are. They come to me with how happy and wonderful things are for them. My mother-in-law said it was much better than I told her it would be. I believe that with all my heart and soul. I can also tell you that many times relatives will come to the people who’s hearts are open and receptive to receiving them. Sometimes our own grief keeps them away. Please except my sincerest sympathy. I wish you peace and acceptance of what each and everyone of us at some point in our own life will go through.
    Et Salut
    Kris

    Reply
  58. herhimnbryn

    Dear One,
    Peace be.

    Reply
  59. paula

    Corey, I wandered here from another blog today and I am sorry to read of your loss.
    I wanted to tell you that it took a very long time for me to dream of my father after his death but when I did the intense grief I was feeling finally, FINALLY began to seep away. I still miss him, but now, I am left with the joy instead of the pain…

    Reply
  60. Wonders Never Cease

    You’re in my prayers.
    Becky

    Reply
  61. Elaine L.

    Corey, your blog brings so much healing to so many people. Through your blog, we are all able to share our experiences with each other.
    These postings would make a wonderful book.
    ~elaine~

    Reply
  62. Elizabeth

    Fathers have such an impact on a family…for good, or not. You are so blessed that you had a dad like this!! And that your family functions as it does…what a comfort in these very hard times! I am so glad that you have this and it is wonderful how you share so much with us your readers!! May the days that follow bring more healing and more comfort yet!!
    Elizabeth

    Reply
  63. beachy

    Dear sweet Corey – such strong and wise words you have! I “met” my paternal grandmother in a dream… and the unusual part is that she passed away when my father was a teenager, so I never even met her. I do feel her with me, and I KNOW your father is with you. When I think of someone who has passed away, I think of them somewhat as being on the other side of a wall with no human communication, though the love and spiritual communication continue, until the day people are reunited in heaven.
    Hugs to you, dear one!

    Reply
  64. Tammy

    Dearest corey,
    Thank you for sharing your heart with us. You have been such a blessing to me. I lost my sister in law a few months ago to cancer. I was extremely close to her and I miss her dearly. But here I have come and found love, healing, and new friends. I continue to pray for you as I am on the same journey just a different spot on the road. Thank for including us and allowing us to pray for you and your family.
    love and blessings

    Reply
  65. Lisa-Vet

    Still with ya, God Bless You and Your Family. Lisa-vet

    Reply
  66. Mary

    You remain in my thoughts each day Corey. I think you are wonderful to stay and help your mom through this difficult period. Be strong – you know all your friends will always listen and be here for you.

    Reply
  67. tinker

    Process all you need to, Corey – we’ll all still be here listening, sending love and light to you and your family~xo

    Reply
  68. carolyn

    Oh Corey, torn between two places, two families, I feel for you and yours right now.
    I remember when my Mother died across the Atlantic I fled straight back to my husband and children here in England. I didn’t even stay for the funeral, I was there when she died that’s all she asked. I know that must sound strange to you but it is the way my Mother and my Grandfather were “Flowers for the living not for the dead”. Also I didn’t need to stay to help anyone else with the grieving process.

    Reply
  69. suesue

    how strange. just this morning i fell back asleep and dreamed of my sister. she looked so young and normal, not cancer ridden. i hope my sadness passes and i see it as a sign of her moving on. i hope you have your healing dreams.

    Reply
  70. Gillian

    Keeping vigil with you as you read. The healing process works on so many of us on so many levels. Your blog is a balm. A salve. A hot cloth on the forehead.
    Thank you for sharing these precious moments with us Corey. Thinking of you.
    xo

    Reply
  71. collette ~ all over the map

    Bearing with you through each moment and I feel blessed that you share it with all of us.
    I’m so glad you have the support of FH to allow you to be just where you need to be. That’s love.
    Thinking of you friend and this difficult path you are walking. Always remember He has you right in the palm of His forever-loving hand.
    xo

    Reply
  72. Marva Plummer-Bruno

    Corey – this must be a doubly difficult time for you, missing your dad and your husband and kids. You are an inspiration, and an amazingly strong lady! You and your family continue to be in my prayers. Marva

    Reply
  73. michele

    Dear Corey..
    I confess to not having visited you for a while and I was not aware of the tragedy that had unfolded in your life..
    My heartfelt sympathies to you and your family….
    Your dear father will visit you in many ways.. in dreams, in a piece of music, a turn of phrase, a shadow… you will find him as he is still in your life in so many ways..
    My love and sympathy..
    Michelexx

    Reply
  74. minnie

    i am very sorry for your loss, but your love will heal all ……love heals

    Reply
  75. Deryn Mentock

    I’m sorry dear Corey… Blessings to you and your family.

    Reply

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