Stories Collected While Living in France

French la Vie

Acceptance

What if…

I should have…

If only…

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Kübler-Ross lists that there are five stages that a grieving person goes through. The five stages she states follow a progression: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I woke up around 7am this morning. Opening one eye I saw my mom dusting my bed frame. I asked, "Mom are you dusting or am I dreaming?" She replied through a steady stream of sadness, "I just have to keep busy."

Keeping busy is one way to cope with the sense of loss. Though I dream of sleeping. Both are part of denial and eventually acceptance.

Img_4125 Since it is part of my Mother’s culture that after the death of a loved one a person dresses in black or navy as a way to show respect and give a sign of mourning: I have been wearing mostly black too. Mostly because the other day I walked into the kitchen and my mom looked at my feet. My eyes followed her eyes to my red shoes. I saw the red flash its bright color and thought to myself…oops and quickly kicked off my shoes.

Because the stages of grief look and act differently on each person I think a black ribbon around one’s arm was a good idea that the last generation had and used to signify a person in mourning.

Each person must find their way to express the depth of emotion, to process the many thoughts that come with loss. Kübler-Ross has defined them, though we must learn to ride the wave without drowning.

Img_5962 When my boyfriend died many years ago I ate a dozen glazed donuts in one sitting. With each bite I grew more angry thinking to myself, "Nothing matters, I can do what I want! In the end nothing matters." After wards I went to Mass with a bloated stomach, a very angry heart and under my breath called God every bad word imaginable several times over. I waited for some sort of punishment to strike me. I even dared God to strike me.

In the end being angry at God was healing too. I saw that my anger was at me…

Life is unfair, I am not perfect, and still love happens. The real miracle after all is accepting that as painful as life and death can be it is worth every phase it takes to becoming whole and loving again and again.

Comments

49 responses to “Acceptance”

  1. Vida

    Corey, I lost both my parents within 15 months of each other and I think I am between depression and acceptance… didn’t really get much of a breather between so not sure which feeling belongs to which parent but that is how I feel, depressed then accepting, then back again… good luck with the journey… Vida x

    Reply
  2. Jeanne

    Oh my darling friend grief is a bitter pill it seems we all are forced to swallow at some point………….
    There is no cure for grief except to grief and treasure the many blessings we have in our lives.
    God bless you and yours both near and far.
    Love Jeanne

    Reply
  3. wilsonian

    Much love
    xo

    Reply
  4. Sarah

    I read recently that what we miss when someone dies, is who we are with that person,it makes sense to me. Life isn’t fair, it just is what it is. We have to have the pain and grief to know what full on joy feels like. You and your family are surrounded by love and the joy will come back.

    Reply
  5. Di Overton

    Just sending my love and to say I am still thinking of you. I have just come back from Paris and am sad to be home and missing Charlotte.
    Love to your Mother and family

    Reply
  6. Regina Clare Jane

    Elisabteh Kubler-Ross’ books really helped me after daddy died…
    and yes, I got so angry with God- and you know what? He was okay with that… He knows what it’s like to lose Someone…
    Blessings and hugs for you Corey and your mum…

    Reply
  7. carole

    Corey Dear:
    Peace will come after you can feel your Dad looking down on you (with your red shoes on
    : ) cuz he knows his girl!!!
    Peace & Love to you
    carole

    Reply
  8. Miss Sandy

    Continue to process my friend, it is healthy and healing. Still lifting you to the Father.

    Reply
  9. Dee

    Corey…you always say it just right! . . .
    “Life is unfair, I am not perfect, and still love happens. The real miracle after all is accepting that as painful as life and death can be it is worth every phase it takes to becoming whole and loving again and again.”
    You are amazing!

    Reply
  10. deirdre

    I find the stages of grief cycle and overlap and blend together. It’s a messy process.
    For most of a year after losing my sister I couldn’t focus on anything, was clumsy, didn’t sleep, forgetful. My emotions were anger, deep sadness, and numb. And I was really pissed that life was going on without her. I’ve since thought the wearing of black might have been a good tradition; it let the world know it needed to be gentle with the mourner.
    I think the red shoes might be a good reminder that though you’re in deep grief right now, you’re also moving forward, one step in front of the other. Something has to keep us standing during sadness – even if it’s just our shoes.

    Reply
  11. marita

    no book or religion could ever tell me about the different stages of grieving. to me there is simply no guiding for profound sorrow and the deepest pain.
    it happens within a second, the familiar world all tumbling down in thousand pieces.
    how to recreate this beautiful image that existed before that suddenly turned into a scattered puzzle. so many missing parts… never to be found again…
    thinking of you and your mom!

    Reply
  12. Laura

    You (and your words) are so inspiring. Thank you for sharing all stages of your experience with us.

    Reply
  13. red tin heart

    I am so sorry for the loss of your Father. I lost my beloved husband 3 months ago and I don’t know if my heart will ever heal.
    He was 44 years old and fell and broke his neck.
    I do what your Mother does.. I see the mail with his name on it and I just want to scream.
    I can’t erase his messages from my phone and listen to his voice mails daily.. My brokeness is so devastatinly complete.
    I am not very strong right now but I will offer a prayer for you and your family.. I send you love… Nita

    Reply
  14. Colette

    Nothing can console us when this happens. It takes the passage of time, and the stages of grief (in whatever order — I think mine got a little muddled). But you know this already; it’s the relationship that’s different.
    I heard this poem recently and caught the last words because, in retrospect, I found them so true: “…find strength from what remains behind.”
    Much love, Colette

    Reply
  15. clarice

    You know Corey I believe God knows us better then we do. So He knows if we are angry. I also believe He can handle our anger and understands it. It is through being real with Him, that we find peace. Still praying for you. Love Clarice

    Reply
  16. Rosemary

    Everyone has to do what is right for them. In their own way.
    I don’t think there is a right or wrong way, you just have to be.
    Thinking of you always,
    Rosemary

    Reply
  17. ~Amy

    thinking of you….today and always.
    ::tight hugs::

    Reply
  18. Tammy

    Dearest Corey,
    I believe God knows your every need and He is leading you on this journey. HE knows where you are right now and He will be there every step of the way. Your words as always are so inspiring and thank you for sharing. Know that you are being prayed for and much love is being sent to you.
    love and blessings

    Reply
  19. Hasmin

    Yes, Corey, Yes. ((hugs))

    Reply
  20. Brenda Kula

    When my daughter’s husband’s mother died a year and half ago, right around Christmas, from pancreatic cancer in her fifties, I bought their family Kubler-Ross’s books and sent to them all. She is the noted authority, or was, on the subject. And expressed every feeling I’d ever had about death. My thoughts are with you. But please don’t let guilt make you stop wearing bright, cheerful colors. I don’t think he’d have wanted that. I know it is your mother’s way, and so perhaps it is also your’s. But bright hues signify life, and the living. You’re not disrespecting him. You’re respecting life.
    Brenda

    Reply
  21. rochambeau

    Hi Friend,
    I appreciate all of your thoughts here!
    It’s good that your and your mom are keeping busy!! It’s actually very IMPORTANT!! Even if you just go through the motions. DO Make plans for tomorrow and the next day. Do something together that you and she have never done before. Make NEW memories together. Now, you and you mom have a new relationship together. One to treasure too! Keep going forward. More hours will pass and after awhile you will find renewed strength. Yes!! to wearing RED shoes too!! I know you father would want his Corey to keep having her special flair and Joie de Vivre! To continue to celebrate the life he taught you how to lead!!
    with love,
    Constance

    Reply
  22. JO

    Anger at God is a very normal emotion… I told someone once that I was losing my faith and that I was so angry at God that I wasnt talking to him any more … that I yell at Him sometimes… she started laughing and said then you havent lost your faith because you are still communicating with Him… it was then I realized that its ok.. to be mad at God… its ok.. to get angry with him .. to yell.. to scream… to not understand … its when you stop talking to Him altogether that you have lost your faith… He understands your pain.. your gfief …your anger… He knows and he understands.. He is our Father .. and just as your father would understand… God does too… just dont stop talking to Him … no matter what you might feel.. and whatever you do …dont hold it back.. feel every bit of pain… laughter.. sorrow… memory…
    When I lost my Mother and then my Dad four years later… I thought I would curl up in a ball and hide away forever.. grief can be crippling but… it will heal… you will always have your memories… they can never be taken away from you… just keep on talking
    HUGS AND LOVE
    JO

    Reply
  23. Betty @ She’s Sew Pretty

    Oh my goodness! Maybe you and mom need to get away for awhile. A trip to the city. Over to France. I’m sure your dad would smile at your red shoes. He sounded like he was full of life!

    Reply
  24. Suzanne

    So true sweet Corey.
    Love*

    Reply
  25. stljoie

    Oh dear. I know you must respect cultural beliefs in your family…but Corey…your father loved your spirit and joy in life as you did his. Take a break…walk in a Botanical garden or whatever/wherever is a beautiful place of peace and beauty. I saw a blog and thought “oh, Corey would enjoy this”. So enjoy.
    http://parisapartment.wordpress.com/

    Reply
  26. amylia

    What a beautiful post, Corey. Thank you for sharing your grief. By sharing it perhaps it lessens a bit momentarily?
    Does your birth family read your blog? Do they see the loveliness inside your sorrow?

    Reply
  27. Elaine

    Corey, acceptance is difficult but it will come. I still miss my Dad but now I can share stories about him without crying and I can feel the joy of his life with me each day. You are a wonderful person for sharing all this with us.

    Reply
  28. Marva Plummer-Bruno

    Corey – it is so hard to continue every day with a big hole, but it will get better. Every day will be just a little easier…. Still saying prayers for you and your family. Marva

    Reply
  29. Nancy, aka Bookfool

    I’m sorry you’re going through the grief process, also, Corey. I just recently lost my mother. In fact, I think I’m doing a bit of a hopscotch around the 5 steps of grief and it makes no sense at all. I accepted my mother’s death because I knew it was coming, but then I felt angry — not so much at God or about her death, but about the stupid, careless remarks people make. Then, my husband went back to traveling a couple of weeks after the funeral and I spiraled into depression. It’s frustrating but I know I’ll get through it and so will you. We both have been through a shocking, early loss. In some ways I think that helps the next time you lose someone; but, the truth is that you can never be completely ready to lose someone you love. Hang in there. I’m sending lots of love, hugs and prayers.

    Reply
  30. Diogenes

    Dear Corey,
    This is such a good post. I’m going to hang on to those last two sentences. Thanks for those.

    Reply
  31. Christi from Charm & Grace

    Dear Corey, your insights continue to amaze me. I am still in awe of how you have put your life on hold in order to serve first your dad… now your mom. It is a testament to the gratitude you are living out before them …and before all of us. Your deference to your mother’s wishes (a la red shoes) really shows a tenderness toward her that is precious. That is why I keep coming back to read. You are a lovely soul.
    Christi

    Reply
  32. Barbara Sydney Australia

    We, too, wear black as a sign of mourning. My sisters and I would refer to our black clothes as uniforms. With each loss ( my darling husband, two of my sister’s husbands, Mum and Dad and then one of my wonderful sisters all within the last 10 years) we would put on our “uniforms” and face the battle of our grief.
    I too, have bargained with God, yelled, ignored and questioned him. He just accepted my fury and surrounded me with the unconditional love of my children, my family and perfect strangers.
    Dear Corey wear your “uniform”, scream at God and let him pour his love over you.
    Barbara x

    Reply
  33. the farmers wife

    It is very true that you need to ride the waves of grief without drowning.
    I was raised in an area populated by Greek and Italian immigrants. It was amazing to see the women dressed in colorful prints, gathering their families around them. And the moment their husband died the beautiful prints were banished forever and they wore black…..for the rest of their lives. I can see the old YiaYia’s walking to the market, dark angels on a mission.
    Corey, your words have helped so many and opened up a dialogue about dying, grief, love and survival. Bravo Corey, bravo.
    – Suzanne, the Farmer’s Wife

    Reply
  34. nel

    The stages of grief are interchangeable. You can feel one thing one day and another a different day and go back and forth trying to work it out. I learnt from a friend that grief is a gift… a precious gift to bring healing. I pray your healing continues and your honesty to a God who loves you is refreshing. No doubt even more so to Him.

    Reply
  35. Frieda

    ‘ it is worth every phase it takes to becoming whole and loving again and again.’
    it’s true, I also believe that each stage is a “dress rehearsal” for the next stage of our life …and after death we come back to do it all over again until we learn and become an angel so we can sit next to the God.

    Reply
  36. susanna

    Well written, Corey.

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  37. tut-tut

    I wish I your post to read after my mother died . . .

    Reply
  38. Pat

    Lovely post, Corey. I have a Kubler-Ross quote on my blog page.
    I remember working through my grief, when we were awaiting the birth of our grandson two years ago. We knew he would very likely not survive. We learned this several months before his birth. J and I prayed and worked on our home all through that very sad Fall, from August, until Elijah’s birth, in November. He lived two hours. We continued working until after Christmas and beyond. When you talked of your mother dusting. It reminded me of those months and keeping busy.
    I am still thinking of you all daily.
    Pat

    Reply
  39. CF

    I was alone with my Mother the day we had to walk back into the house with out Dad the memory of that still haunts me. Grief has away of finding you when you least expect it. One day my Mom opened up my Dad’s wallet and wept over the fact that when he died he did not even have a dollar bill in it. I did not know what to tell her other than that she had taken such good care of him for 60 years.

    Reply
  40. Candy

    This is a brilliant and profound post. Thank you.

    Reply
  41. Donna O.

    Beautifully written, Corey. Red shoes….ruby slippers.
    XO
    D.

    Reply
  42. TACE

    Grief is such a strange thing, every one will feel it, it connects us all and yet for each person it’ll be different. You can’t change it, take it away or *make it better* for some one. Thinking of you and your Mom.

    Reply
  43. My Melange

    Very true. And perfectly written.

    Reply
  44. Paula

    Corey ~ I’m glad you are taking Kubler-Ross’ words to heart. A good resource at a time like this.
    There are so many words I’d like to say. But in the end Corey, you have all of it inside of your heart and soul, about to be discovered.
    Find some happiness today. HUG

    Reply
  45. Loretta

    One of the most difficult things after my Dad died was my inability to comfort my mother. Oh, we were with her all the time and helping her in any way we could. But when the deep grief would take over, she was inconsolable and our words and hugs did not make a dent.
    One moment still stands in my mind. It was two weeks past my father’s death and we were gathered for Thanksgiving at my house. My children were providing a diversion, and I had put on some soft music, not realizing what the songs were. My husband came to me in a rush – the stereo was playing “Autumn Winds” and my mother was alone in the living room, quietly crying. I felt so very terrible.
    We all bear our grief in our own ways and your presence with your Mom is more important than any other grief counseling in the world.

    Reply
  46. Andrea in Indiana

    Thank God our memories don’t fade through grief but become so much clearer. Grief is a time to love and remember and thank God for all He’s given us and for what He’s yet to give.
    As hard as it is to imagine, grief really is a blessing. It’s a cleansing. It’s a means not to an end, but a beginning.
    Your dear mom, you and your family are in my prayers,
    Andrea

    Reply
  47. amber

    Are these pictures taken at St.Johns in Chico??
    …The fact that God can handle your anger, is part of what makes His love so great. he already knows your heart, and all your feelings even before you let them out anyway. It comforts me to know how He knows how very fragile, and human we are.
    I always say to people that they should just feel free to feel how they feel, and let it be. “Stages” or not, we can only just walk through it. That is the only way it ever feels better…someday. And even then, I think some of it will always be, because we are changed from this kind of loss.
    I must see you! Can we meet this weekend, perhaps? I won’t keep you long. I just want a hug, and to give you something.
    🙂

    Reply
  48. Alexis Bonavitacola

    Poignant. It’s been 14 mmonths since my Dad passed away. Some days I feel as if he is being slowly erased from my memories and I stare at his picuture trying to remember his touch, or his laugh or his anger. Something that won’t allow me to forget. Then, there are other days when my father and who he really was beyond my father is lasered into me — a lesson I was meant to get from something he said or an action he took many years ago. We were all armed for action when my Dad died from pancreatic cancer. But, then, the war ended and we had no one to fight for and no one to save.
    My Dad’s death has brought me closer to my Mom, but her filter is now gone. “All bets are off” as my brother has told me. No one acts the same and the pattern relationships are gone with no sameness to anything anymore. On somedays, my Mom still hits the normal trigger and I still get angry in that mother-daughter-constant-thing or whatever this is, but I don’t stay mad long because I can’t. I’d burn in hell, I think, if I got mad at my Mom now that my Dad is dead. I can feel him watching me and I am still scared of his reaction. Plus, it is really sacreligious, especially when my Mom has moments of “I will survive” and vulnerability all in the same five minutes. Too hard for me to bear.
    I fell in love, too, for the first time after my Dad died. I’m 53 now and have had three husbands, so I wasn’t sure that love – sustained love – every really happened to anyone. I went through all of the stages, I suppose and clung too and ran away from my boyfriend of two years. When the person who was supposed to love you the most but was the one person you never seemed to get it right with dies, do you ever find love? It took another year to see what was left after the stardust fades. Thanks Daddy.

    Reply
  49. gracie

    “Life is unfair, I am not perfect, and still love happens.” Oh, Corey, I needed this mantra today… you have said it so well.
    btw… Kubler-Ross’ theory was meant to define the stages a person goes through prior to their own death, eg during a terminal illness, and doesn’t really fit bereavement which is more like a chaos theory!! (or so I have heard in loss/grief counselling classes)

    Reply

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