My mother's voice hints of sadness, though she tries to smile through the phone line.
Slowly with her morning voice, she says, "I am not sending Christmas cards this year… though I have received more than my fair share… I just don't feel like I can write the word, "Merry." The Christmas cards make me sad."
Not-thinking-me asked, "Why do they make you sad?" And as soon as the word, "sad" left my mouth I knew how insensitive I sounded.
Often I hold my sadness deeply guarded … and because of that, I forgot that my mother shares the same sorrow. I felt foolish and retracted, "I know, I know what you mean Mom."
I heard my mother's tears.
The first Christmas without her man.
The first Christmas…
The images of my dad suffering in the hospital are being replaced with sweet memories. Memories of him before the hospital come to play in my heart. Far better- but still a tender ache.
"I am sorry Mom. I am sorry."
She cries openly. I listen without words and feel my arms traveling towards her.
The reflection of shadow and light…
As you know and as many of you wrote to me, death stings. Even when and while you are understanding (getting your head around it), accepting it, watching time pass without the one you love by your (physically) side. It hurts throughout every stage. Healing yes, sadness, emptiness yes. Tenderness certainly.
"The Christmas cards," my mother goes on to say, "each time I open one of them they remind me, touch me, they are so kind and thoughtful. My friends and family are remembering that this is the first Christmas and they are holding me. But I cannot send them a card back it is too hard to write."
I know, she knows, and you know and they know too… that understanding is the key and acceptance opens the heart to hold everything safely.
I said to my mother, "It is not expected that you write back, this time you are on the receiving end."
When someone has lost someone, when their hearts are heavy and time has marched on, leaving them standing close to the same spot that they were a few months ago– or even if healing is evident, and more so, if you think the person is okay and you don't want to mention anything because you do not want to make them sad… I believe it is the most loving thing to send the Christmas card, to say I am sorry, to mention the lost, and let them know you know how they are by saying, "I am here…" A few words can be an enormous hug. Even if tears fall.
Leave a Reply