Stories Collected While Living in France

French la Vie

The Question of Loving and Letting go….

Violet-growing  

Chatting up with my friend Annie, who is ninety years old, about love and relationships, I told her about a friend who thought she had found love, then realized that the man she claimed to love wasn't perfect, and she couldn't deal with it. Before I could respond to what I thought about it, Annie chimed in:

"What do people think…really… do they think we fall out of heaven, all perfect and clean, into the lap of the one who is going to love us? Doesn't she know we are born, and go through life tumbling, dancing, and often bumping our head on the wall. We get dirty, bruised, collecting the good with the bad? Eventually, we fall into someone's heart… and hopefully with our body and soul, but we are who we are… wanting to be loved. Honestly, love helps us find our way."

I thought Annie's comment was worth repeating and had to share it with you.

Violet

 

In a relationship when do you understand and accept another person's faults, let alone your own, and when do you let go and move on?

Annie says it is a weighing game, a measuring of the pros and cons. The trick is to know when is it worth it and when is it a losing game.

Bottom-of-the-stairs

"Loving someone shows us who we are, and what we are capable of doing. Figuratively speaking, at birth we lose our way, and we spend the rest of our lives trying to find the path we were once on, to get back to the center."

When do you let go of loving someone?

Comments

45 responses to “The Question of Loving and Letting go….”

  1. jend’isère

    I feel love endures at both both ends of a life-after a death and before a birth.
    The letting go part is so individual, so I look forward to your readers’ responses.

    Reply
  2. Jann

    When do you let go of loving someone?
    ….when they step on your heart and
    don’t seem to mind….when it’s “all
    about them” and they don’t care about
    your feelings…when they don’t really
    cherish you…
    Lessons learned when I was young and
    somewhat clueless. Thankfully, I found
    someone who really cared and now have
    been married almost 50 years. It hasn’t
    always been perfect, but for the most
    part it has been a good life. It takes
    a lot of giving and forgiving to make
    it work. Hugs and kisses and kind words
    to each other every day does wonders.
    Jann

    Reply
  3. Joanny

    It is so odd but a good friend of mine Maree and I were having a similar discussion tonight…Maree’s love still endures – her husband died far too young …another friend -Asian born commented that ‘Americans’ fall in and out love far too quickly – she said our love never matures it is more of love and hate — as evidenced by our divorce rates…
    for me.. I have to agree with your friend Annie, when the pain out weighs the gain –when we are hurting ourselves and others by staying with someone when the purpose for being together has come to a close there is a delicate balancing act of knowing when to let go—it is intensely personal and unique for every one.
    Joanny
    the dowsers daughter

    Reply
  4. Celeste Maia Bentley

    A friend told me once that a house will only belong to me when I can move through it blindfolded, without bumping into anything.
    May be you let go of loving someone when all you do it bump against each other with eyes wide open.
    Celeste
    http://www.maiasintothemoonlight.blogspot.com

    Reply
  5. Susan

    I wonder what our mindset would be if we knew that divorce was not an option. I think we would be very careful in our love. Wouldn’t things be so much better? This is a choice you both made, now work on it.

    Reply
  6. rel

    Corey,
    Love is only a 1/4 part of who we are and what we bring to relationships. By putting too much emphasis on love alone, we lessen the worth of the others. When we put love on equal footing with hope, charity and faith will we enjoy mutual caring relationships; IMHO.
    🙂
    rel

    Reply
  7. Annie

    Sometimes love is not enough. Annie is right, of course, it’s a weighing game.

    Reply
  8. Mo’a

    Annie’s comment is thought provoking.
    I have noticed that we put so much pressure on each other to be perfect…without knowing what perfection is…really what is perfection?
    When we expect perfection from others, our own imperfections become all to evident.
    See the best in people and that is what you will receive from them.

    Reply
  9. Irish Gumbo

    Amor non tenet ordinem
    “Love has nothing to do with order” – Columbanus
    Believing that love is entirely logical, that it makes people perfect in ones eyes, is a grave error.
    Understanding the difference between motive and intent is also extremely important. I think Jann summed it up very well.

    Reply
  10. Jeanette M.

    I think you let love go when it hurts much more often than it doesn’t.

    Reply
  11. Lia

    My husband says he loves my “humanity,” his euphemism for my faults and frailties, since he knows he has his own. I find great comfort and security in this, and it has worn off on me and I’ve become less critical of others and myself. Our “humanity” gives us character…but then there may be faults that go beyond being considered “humanity.”

    Reply
  12. Gin

    Thank you for referring me here to this post. Was it you or one of your followers? I’m not sure. Anyway, there is some good stuff here. I think in my case the cons definitely out-weigh the benefits. I have to get my act together and figure out what to do. Thanks again. I needed to read this!

    Reply
  13. Mimi

    I really love your Annie~ How fortunate you are to have such a wise soul in your life – you are a lucky girl Corey.
    I also LOVE your new profile photo – absolutely darling!
    xo

    Reply
  14. Ann

    Scripture says it best. “Love is patient,love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-temprerd, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrong doing. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
    I’m assuming Corey you are referring to an earlier coversation of a recent broken relationship. Everyone has to find their way. Some need professional help to get them through it, others bounce back quickly. I think the best way to let go is to get involved in something worthwhile like volunteering-feed the homeless, habitat for humanity, a worthwhile cause so one can find a sense of purpose. Or get a higher education – go to grad schoool or go to interrior decorating shcool. What ever builds up the person and makes life joyful again. But that’s me.

    Reply
  15. Shelley Noble

    If I no longer can respect them. I believe Love can only come from awe. If the person, either friend or mate, doesn’t have the character and consciousness that I can wholly admire…bub’bye. Not that we all don’t learn in life, but there are certain core values and principles that are required for me. I don’t care how cute they are!

    Reply
  16. martina

    Respect and equality for yourself and the other party.if it is not on both sides of the relationship-bye bye. Thankfully, my sweetie and I communicate well, respect one another and realize a relationship involves constant work. He lets me know if something bothers him and I do the same, before it builds up and creates a big problem.
    If your heart hurts more often than it feels joy, it is time to be strong and move on. Annie is a very wise woman.

    Reply
  17. Lilly

    Just thinking about the difference between romantic love and motherly love. Isn’t it true that we love our kids more unconditionally than we do our spouses/lovers. I don’t have any conclusions here. Just thinking of how my son’s faults really don’t affect how much love I feel for him. I love my husband no matter what but his faults loom larger than my son’s.

    Reply
  18. A Girl

    Thanks Corey for bringing this up. I’ve been thinking about this exact question a lot lately. It’s important to accept each others flaws of course and be patient and forgiving, but what if all that is not enough? How do you know that nurturing this specific relationship will do good for both people? How does one know that they found the “right” person? Is there such a thing? What one to do when they start seeing the person more clearly after the “blindness” of being in love clears away? How do we know that what we feel IS love, not just longing, selfish desire, escape from loneliness, attachment? The word LOVE is so often being misused and thrown around without much thought. I am not married and trying to figure out when it’s worth “keep working” on a relationship and when it’s better to let go…. As you can see I have more questions than answers. Thanks everyone for their insights. Can (and should) I “force” myself to love when I don’t feel it? Is it even possible? I hope that some clarity will eventually come. Thanks for starting this discussion.

    Reply
  19. Hasmin Cannon

    This is thought provoking…Annie you’re wonderful! ((hugs))

    Reply
  20. Jeanne

    Your friend Annie is very wise indeed…….
    Love is the only magic I belive in
    Love Jeanne

    Reply
  21. annie

    I know this wasn’t quite what you were asking, Corey, but it came so strongly to mind that I had to share it here.
    I recently witnessed the death of a marriage. The young woman with two very young children had to ask herself “Can I love him still with the lost respect? Will I lose my own self-respect too? What am I telling my children? What am I asking of my family and friends if I stay?”
    Some things are just too terrible to recover from. You just mark your life from that point and move forward. She learned what her line in the sand was and self-sacrifice was not a possibility. The letting go of the possibilty of love with him has been a long process but she is recovering.

    Reply
  22. Dawn @ The Feathered Nest

    What a wonderful post Corey ~ I’ve always said that you know you’re both in love when you discover each other’s faults and STILL love one another! Your new kitchen is just beautiful sweetie, xxoo, Dawn

    Reply
  23. kay

    You let go when you know if you don’t its you who will drown…..Annie is indeed a wise lady..

    Reply
  24. Beachy

    Wow. Annie certainly has amazing vision when it comes to life! This is a beautiful post!

    Reply
  25. Beachy

    PS – I really think you do “know” when it is time to move on with a relationship. When you breathe a sigh of relief after letting someone go, you’ve listened correctly to an inner voice. I was engaged to be married twice… only one of those times to my husband. I did learn how to let go (thank goodness); otherwise I’d have been divorced before marrying my current husband!!! lol

    Reply
  26. Julie Ann Evins

    Incredibly thought provoking today Corey. Annie is a wise old stick ! Thank you both, Jx

    Reply
  27. Debra

    I Love Annie…..and you too!!!!!
    ~Debra

    Reply
  28. Judy

    am not certain that means “up from a nap”, but
    that is what was intended!
    please give Annie a big fat smoochie for me – what
    a lovely person she must be to know
    have read everything in your archives, and now
    can eagerly await whatever is going on with
    you into the future!
    keep busy being fabulous, and share your world
    judy in San Antonio

    Reply
  29. Melanie

    Annie is a smart cookie. 😉
    I agree with her. Relationships are give and take. When you are the one that is always giving and never taking, that’s when its time to move on.
    You didn’t say … What were you going to say when she answered you? Did you have a different opinion?

    Reply
  30. Relyn

    Oh, my. I’d give a lot to have an Annie in my life. Thank you for sharing this.

    Reply
  31. Joanna

    Annie is so wise. I think that it’s about growing. As long as both are growing and moving forward the relationship is sustaining. Of course, growing isn’t always easy.

    Reply
  32. Barbara Sydney Australia

    I think the people we love should have the qualities we find so wonderful in antiques and flea market finds. Sometimes damaged or flawed or used but made with quality and unique beauty, able to endure and survive life’s hardship and joy!

    Reply
  33. Gina Baynham

    No one is perfect. If we were we would all be the same, clones of each other.
    What we need to do is find someone that makes our heart sing. That makes us want to do little things for them to make their day a happier one, someone who does the same back for us. Not big expensive gestures, just making a cup of tea, bringing home a favourite chocolate bar from the petrol station “just because”
    Then we need to look past the parts of them that dont quite meet our highest expectations. Not parts of them that are abusive, that demoralise us or hurt us. That kind of person is not what I mean. Just when the dirty tea cup gets left on the table or the socks dont make it the laundry bin every time. That kind of imperfect is life.
    The good should always outway the bad. You should go to bed with your heart happy more than you go to bed with it sad.

    Reply
  34. Mary Marsell-Farrell

    I marvel that you remember the conversation so well to relate it to all of us – like a gem in a treasure box. Wise, insightful, interesting and precious. I loved this post.

    Reply
  35. Marie-Noëlle

    Is there an answer… or answers… ???
    Still searching …

    Reply
  36. Julie

    If things keep me up at night, I know its trouble I have to resolve. Goes for work, people, money, etc. Cheers, Julie

    Reply
  37. Bridget

    I wish I were as fortunate to learn this lesson at a younger age as reader Jann did. This post comes at a time when it’s time for me to move on. How did I know? My heart told me. I’m tired of hurting.

    Reply
  38. Vicki’s Bit-o-Earth

    I just love Annie! So smart and so honest. Can I borrow her for awhile? (:

    Reply
  39. Ruth Tortorici

    My first thought at reading the title of this blog was ‘oh no….Annie…..(sent a quick prayer for you)…then I steeled myself & proceeded to read. Thank you Lord! Annie still is with us & we get to partake of her wisdom……through your amazing writing. Now that my mind is at ease I can go back & re-read…..although my heart still beats a bit fast.

    Reply
  40. FrenchBlue

    Oh you… always a taste of truth! This is why I love you so! Absolutely I agree with Annie. Our centers are pure and our journey takes us back to purity IF we do not deny truth. The bumps and bruises usually are a sign we are in denial of something or someone holding us back from purity. If we are lucky enough to find a partner that can travel this adventure back to the center we are so very blessed. The center can be traveled to alone or together as one…. it doesn’t really matter because it is all the same once there…I think 🙂
    xox’s

    Reply
  41. anne

    I have found this post so touching and the comments are brilliant.
    I have struggled in the last year or so, should I leave, should I ask him to leave, I asked he didn’t, I thought about it, thought is it just me, Love is a funny word.
    I am struggling inside sometimes, I think , if I leave what is next …will it be any better.!

    Reply
  42. Tammy

    I just don’t even know where to start…your posts of Annie’s perspective always, always leave me speechless and touched to the core. Thank you for posting and sharing Annie with the rest of us! I always look forward to what she will share next.

    Reply
  43. Miz Booshay

    Beautiful and difficult.
    Just like life.
    Pray without ceasing to know your answer.
    The peace will come.

    Reply
  44. Suzanne G in NC

    If we would all be still a moment when those who have so much to share are with us. . . our great aunts, grandmamas, teachers, your gem of a friend, Annie, have lived long and hard and have much to teach us. You are listening, Corey; thank you so much for sharing.

    Reply
  45. Rebecca N.

    Corey, has anyone ever suggested you write a book? Because you should. You have a trove of both wisdom and delight to share, and while I love the accessibility of your blog, sometimes I want to pull a keepsake book from my shelf that contains your rarest gems, both words and pictures. Promise you’ll consider it at least?
    Love,
    Rebecca

    Reply

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