Stories Collected While Living in France

French la Vie

My Father’s Closet

Dad's closet
My childhood home is not the same. Yes love is there, that hasn't changed, but the feeling it gave has. The ground under foot is tender, the seeds of faith planted gently in an aching space, a longing emptiness, a knowing silence that holds my father, he is not there, yet he is everywhere…
in the barn,
at his desk,
sitting in his chair with a National Geographic,
shooting the bull with his sons outside,
sleeping in bed next to my mother…
and then I opened his closet…
I buried my head in his clothes and felt his arms wrap around me.

Homecoming is bittersweet.

Comments

48 responses to “My Father’s Closet”

  1. wendy b.

    drink all of it in deeply, it will add more layers to you being perhaps the kindest and pluckiest gal ever. xow.

    Reply
  2. Tracie~My Petite Maison

    Yes, homecoming is bittersweet but you always carry your memories of home in your heart along with your dad. Thanks for sharing this Corey, had a day of a few downs and found myself reading your blog wearing my dad’s old blue sweater (something I do when I need a little comfort). There’s something very comforting in your post and knowing we, fatherless daughters are not alone in our thoughts.

    Reply
  3. Kristy

    Corey, My grandparents passed away within 9 months of each other. A profound loss for the entire family as they were the core. I was close to both of them. I have a few things that still smell like Grandma even 16 years later. Like you, when I smell them, I go back in time and Grandma’s loving hands wrap around me. My children all smell like Grandpa. (in a good way) I can so relate to how you feel. Maybe you can take one of your Dad’s shirts with you…

    Reply
  4. Dee

    Your mother must be thrilled to have you home…enjoy the memories…bittersweet as they may be.

    Reply
  5. Rebecca

    oh Corey. Smell is such a powerful memory. I have an old, old fur jacket from my favorite aunt…actually a great aunt, who I loved so deeply. I don’t wear fur, but when I take it out an bury my nose in it…it still has her perfume on it after all these many years. She’s still here. Kristy is right, maybe your mother will let you take some of your dad’s things with you to give you a hug like only he could do.

    Reply
  6. Karon

    Hold him close in your heart. My Dad died five years ago, now my poor old Mum is failing badly. My Dad went quickly, an old man with a swift illness that took him quickly and mercifully. My darling Mum on the other had has suddenly taken on the burden of her 89 years with debilitating illness, dramatic loss of sight and the saddest cut of all, a rapid decline into a strange world where we cannot go. A place where she sometimes struggles with the simplest thoughts, and from time to time has no recollection of her own loved ones at all. It is a cruel way to go, I feel I have lost her already. Like you, I can see her in her chair, in the kitchen, but in reality it is not so.
    Tuck those memories of your Dad into your bag of ‘gifts’ for it is a gift that you have them to look back on.
    Karon x

    Reply
  7. Merisi

    I can so understand your feelings: Mourning your father while living on a different continent opens up the whole process anew once you are back home which in your mind stayed as if suspended in a time capsule. It is so very hard to have to learn to accept a loss twice. I have been there, more than once. I wish you all the love and affection of your family around you will give you comfort.
    Love,
    Merisi

    Reply
  8. Marie-Noëlle

    Feel, smell, dream …. remember …
    Thinking of you and of yours !

    Reply
  9. poppy fields

    This makes me sad. My step-mom cleaned out my Dad’s closet…no traces left. The first time I saw that, I broke down. I don’t think I’ll go back…

    Reply
  10. Helen

    I am moved to tears at the sight of your Dad’s closet as these look like the type of shirts my Dad wore and memories of him have come flooding back. Another fatherless daughter – how we miss our Dads…

    Reply
  11. Jeanne

    Amen
    Love and hugs and prayer for you all
    Love Jeanne

    Reply
  12. Katiebell

    love …

    Reply
  13. Linda@Lime in the Coconut

    Beautiful.

    Reply
  14. Gina

    I heard of a beautiful story recently. After the death of her father, one lady gave a friend a few favourite pieces of clothing from her fathers closet, a well worn flannel shirt, a dressing gown, a holiday Hawaiian print shirt. The friend cut the clothing into squares and made three quilts 1 meterx1 meter using the fathers clothes and also some plain fabric that had photos printed onto it. The end result was three beautiful quilts to be shared between the mother and two daughters. The quilts were a way of remembering their Dad.

    Reply
  15. Billie Claire Haffey

    It is funny… one of the only things I have that belonged to my father is an old shirt…with his monogram on the pocket… and I love it. Take one home with you!
    I am so glad you are having this cathartic journey. I believe you will feel lighter for it.
    Love and hugs,
    Billie

    Reply
  16. Vicki

    You have touched my heartstrings once again.

    Reply
  17. jend’isère

    If you could take one, choose one that reminds you of him as his everyday self.Voila, telporting his hugs for support_ a virtual security blanket of love.

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  18. Leslie Garcia

    I know exactly what you mean! Dear Corey, how wonderful it must be for your family to have you home!The photo of your Dad’s shirts is great.. you should print it out and frame it for your home.
    Love,
    leslie

    Reply
  19. Alena

    Dear Corey, today i have tears in my eyes, as i read your post.
    Thinking of you, sending my love.

    Reply
  20. Laura

    Oh, dear, dear Corey. I have no words, just love.

    Reply
  21. if jane

    oh corey..

    Reply
  22. La Framéricaine

    I’m glad for you, Corey, that you had somewhere to go back to to encounter the house, the desk, the barn, and the closet that still bear traces of your father’s spirit.
    My father died in a rent house that I had never seen before his death and never saw after the blitz of sorting, packing, and cleaning that fell to my brother and I to do alone.
    It is nice that you have a place that you call home with every fiber of your mind, heart, and soul.
    Have a good visit with your family.

    Reply
  23. liz

    Corey, I share your bittersweet feelings, as my husband, who died two years ago today, is also “not there, but everywhere”.
    Tomorrow is the day I will begin to dismantle, put away or give away much of what I’ve lived with for 20 years, and start anew. Your post reminds me to not be too ruthless about it. Thank you.

    Reply
  24. martina

    Tears…that photo said so much. My Dad always smelled of either Chanel for Men and shaving cream (when going to work) or cedar (when he was making something at home). Take three of your Dad’s shirts with you if you can, one for you, and one each for Chelsea and Sacha. I wear my Dad’s wool vest when I feel ill. Grandma knit it for him and it is like having both of them hugging me.

    Reply
  25. carol

    When you were living through your father’s illness, I commented several times about losing my father when I was 27. It has now been 27 years since he died and I still have not cleaned out “his” dresser drawers at my mom’s house. Silly? Maudlin? I don’t think so. When I open those drawers I can smell him and “see” him. I wish I could say that the pain will go away. Yes, it will not be so raw and yet as I write this, stinging tears are in my eyes.
    Love ya!

    Reply
  26. Ruth

    Corey,
    Of all the beautiful pictures you give to us, this is one of the most lovely and most poignant – it speaks to all of us who have lost someone – and isn’t that all of us?
    Thank you – Ruth

    Reply
  27. Cheryl at Casual Cottage Chic

    Corey,
    You post is so timely! My mother died of breast cancer at the age of 89 just two years ago. One of the last gifts I gave her {for Mother’s Day} was a new, soft pink nightgown {like me, she loved any shade of pink}. When packing up her clothing at the hospice where she lived out her last few months, I found the pink nightgown gently folded in a dresser drawer. She had only worn it a few times; it was clean but still seemed to “smell” of the love we had for one another. I took it home, tucked it away with my pjs/gowns. Whenever I’m feeling a bit down, I put on her soft pink nightie at bedtime and feel closer to her again; embraced by her love. I know the pain in your heart. As suggested by another reader/blogger, take a few shirts back to France when you return. Your family will understand.
    xo,
    Cheryl

    Reply
  28. Nancy

    I kept my Father’s velveteen robe. My daughter wore it, I wore it and it was his favorite color, dark burgandy. My Mother kept most everything for about a year, and slowly cleaned out his closet. I opened one of his drawers recently and saw some white undershirts and turtlenecks inside. She will probably keep them forever. He’s been gone for 13 years now.

    Reply
  29. Vicki

    Honesty goes hand in hand with true love. Thank you for sharing both.

    Reply
  30. Kimberly

    Lots of things are in my mind to write but I just don’t know what to say. Thank you for your post. It is beautiful. Blessings, Kimberly

    Reply
  31. Ana Jacas

    I always describe that feeling as drinking in. it is like your whole being is flooded with all that was and is your loved one.
    love
    ana

    Reply
  32. Erin

    come january it will be twenty years since my dad passed away and it still brings a wave of emotions over me. of late, i have been dreaming deep of times past. i so know the void and emotions. many, many hugs to you dear corey.

    Reply
  33. Carol

    Corey, this post honors your father. Hugs to you sweet lady!

    Reply
  34. FrenchBlue

    I just read your Thank you and three wishes post as I was searching google images for a picture of a wish box… I smiled when I read that post. I just clicked to see today and saw your Dad’s closet. I know that feeling so well. I lost my Dad too.. he was by far the closest to me of all. I look up and see the sky and I know he is in my same space. I twinkle with magic knowing he is here…but he is not. He is not here. I will never see his face again… but I feel him. I realize love is not seen, yet it is the most real thing we know. We are under the same moon wherever we are and we are in the same space with our Dads~
    xx’s

    Reply
  35. Denise Moulun-Pasek

    This is most poignant, Corey. That picture almost says enough on its own. I lost my Mom over three years ago. Her clothes are gone but I have her wallet with all the ID intact. I keep it in a special box under the table in my bedroom.
    Whenever I smell her perfume in public, I get a strong sense of her presence. I am grateful to have had a loving parent with such a strong presence in my life. Just like you.
    Denise

    Reply
  36. Kathy Woods

    I lost my Dad 6 years ago this week. I have so many treasured memories of him as we were so close. I still feel him with me especially on those days when I ‘need some help’ as he was always there for me. Treasure all your memories Corey. I too have lived away for 20 years and that first going home when your Dad is not there is tough I know!.
    I have some treasured belongings of my Dad’s and they certainly help me. Take some of his things or one special belonging back to France with you.
    with love
    Kathy

    Reply
  37. JanePoet ~ JP/deb

    These moments of grief remind us of love.
    Sending peace & love to you dear Corey.
    xx,
    JP/deb

    Reply
  38. qualcosa di bello

    i saved some of my dad’s shirts & my mom’s blanket, jacket & chapel veil just for the smells. it is so bittersweet…
    love to you, corey

    Reply
  39. Linda

    Tears of loss and love are stinging my eyes.Thank you once again Corey

    Reply
  40. momof5

    My dad died 48 years ago when I was nine and he was 41. I still miss him. But being able to miss someone is a gift of love. It is because of their deep love for us that we feel their loss so acutely. I would guess you are missing french husband and your children also.

    Reply
  41. Kris Grover

    Oh your post touched my heart today! I am sitting here in my Daddy’s soft fleece jacket that I keep to wear when I want to feel near him. He passed away suddenly 6 years ago this month. I was the only girl, I have 4 brothers. He was my knight in armour, and I miss him terribly. I feel your “bittersweet.”
    Hugs

    Reply
  42. Bridget

    Corey,
    I’ve read your post twice today. I had to close it the first time before reading it as I knew I would cry for your loss. As well as bring up a most painful loss for me of my Gram six years ago. I have a quilt that she would always tuck me in with on all my visits. When I need comfort out comes that quilt. It’s not an everyday quilt as it’s much too special. It was made with love and it carries the reminder of love. I agree with the rest of the previous post. Bring home one or two of your Dad’s shirts. Just to be able to touch something so dear is indescribably comforting. Be very gentle with yourself right now. Hugs.

    Reply
  43. laura waldrip

    Bless. My parents passed 5 month apart 6 years ago. In my closet I have his robe that he bought for his honeymoon which is 57 years old, and her terry cloth robe that I alwas wore when I went home, that Daddy put in my closet when I was coming. Treasure it all. How blessed we are to have had parents such as these!!! I went to a luncheon for abused women and children last week, and could hardly speak for having known the great life that I had been given!!! I love your blog and never miss it!!

    Reply
  44. linda

    i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart….i am never without it…the beginning of a poem by e.e. cummings.
    this says it all.

    Reply
  45. French Knots

    My family home was sold a few years after my Mother died and my Dad lives in another house now.
    I keep a bottle of her perfume so I can sniff it, close my eyes and cry to myself.Smells are so evocative.

    Reply
  46. Miss Maddie’s

    Just like the scents that ignite your memory… his love for you is timeless.
    Susan

    Reply
  47. rita

    i have cried both at this post and at the one of your being left stranded at the airport. you have to stop making me cry, please.
    i have several of my dad’s things in my dresser drawer. he has been gone 7 years. i cannot turn them loose. i can walk in there and pick up his pipe or inhaler and feel him there with me. his glasses and his rx bottle. they are all right there. i have my stepmother’s makeup mixed in with mine. she has been gone almost 8 years. every once in a while i will pick up the eye shadow and just hold it. they were married 30 years. they passed 3 months and one week apart. sometimes you do not know what you have until it is gone…i want to go back and reread your post about the airport but i have to brace myself because i felt your pain right off the page. so sorry you went thru that.

    Reply
  48. Trouvais

    Hi Corey. Your journey home to be with your father when he was in the hospital happened less than a year after my father died, and your process and thoughts helped me immensely! Thank you, Trish

    Reply

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