There has been a silent tension in the house for weeks. I have sensed its sly momentum: Sneaking around the corners, hiding under the bed, poking its ugly head in moments that should be happy… it has been building slowly, unnoticeable to the naked eye, but evident to the heart.
The more I tried to pin it down, the bigger it grew. The more I asked its name the more grumpier French Husband became. I found myself unable to catch that which was right in front of me.
Feelings come in many disguises.
The kitchen clock ticked as we ate dinner. Between snippets of conversation it chimed in. The littlest thing can be the most annoying when something bigger is trying to hide. Somewhere between the second hand, the tomato being slided, and Sacha's laughter I caught French Husband eye and held it.
The unbearable tension spoke in a single tear as it ran down, slowly pass his cheek, silently disappearing. I put my fork down, and dared to say that which was in the way, that which had been sneaking around haunting us, that which beyond reason was true.
"Sacha," I uttered, knowing that what I was about to say was least expected, "We don't want you to go to Willows. Dad and I want you to stay."
I couldn't believe I said it, but as soon as I did I felt the tension start to melt.
Sacha turned to French Husband, "Is it true?"
French Husband nodded.
The thing about being a parent is that children grow up. One day you are standing nearby holding out your arms as they learn to walk towards you. Then it seems in the same moment, but years later, you are holding out your arms, aching with every feeling possible, as you dare yourself not to grab them and bring them back!
And though the journey is promising, there is a sting in seeing one cycle end and another begin. Whether transition is happy or sad, letting go means just that… letting go.
The lump in my throat has a way of tagging on to every emotional moment in my life. Separating past from present is easier said than done especially when they are similar… Saying goodbye is not high on my list of things I like to do.
Having said, "We don't want you to go" cut to the chase of that which had been running around us for weeks. Of course we want Sacha to go if he wants to… but we were forgetting to be honest with our feelings. To simply say, we want to hold on to you but we know better not to simply means: We will miss you boy… very much.
Sacha's high school Bac results come tomorrow, his decision will follow.
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