The Part about Saying Goodbye is the Part I do not like.

Clock-face

There has been a silent tension in the house for weeks. I have sensed its sly momentum: Sneaking around the corners, hiding under the bed, poking its ugly head in moments that should be happy… it has been building slowly, unnoticeable to the naked eye, but evident to the heart.

The more I tried to pin it down, the bigger it grew. The more I asked its name the more grumpier French Husband became. I found myself unable to catch that which was right in front of me.

Feelings come in many disguises.

The kitchen clock ticked as we ate dinner. Between snippets of conversation it chimed in. The littlest thing can be the most annoying when something bigger is trying to hide. Somewhere between the second hand, the tomato being slided, and Sacha's laughter I caught French Husband eye and held it.

The unbearable tension spoke in a single tear as it ran down, slowly pass his cheek, silently disappearing. I put my fork down, and dared to say that which was in the way, that which had been sneaking around haunting us, that which beyond reason was true.

"Sacha," I uttered, knowing that what I was about to say was least expected, "We don't want you to go to Willows. Dad and I want you to stay."

I couldn't believe I said it, but as soon as I did I felt the tension start to melt.

Sacha turned to French Husband, "Is it true?"

French Husband nodded.

The thing about being a parent is that children grow up. One day you are standing nearby holding out your arms as they learn to walk towards you. Then it seems in the same moment, but years later, you are holding out your arms, aching with every feeling possible, as you dare yourself not to grab them and bring them back!

And though the journey is promising, there is a sting in seeing one cycle end and another begin. Whether transition is happy or sad, letting go means just that… letting go.

The lump in my throat has a way of tagging on to every emotional moment in my life. Separating past from present is easier said than done especially when they are similar… Saying goodbye is not high on my list of things I like to do.

Having said, "We don't want you to go" cut to the chase of that which had been running around us for weeks. Of course we want Sacha to go if he wants to… but we were forgetting to be honest with our feelings. To simply say, we want to hold on to you but we know better not to simply means: We will miss you boy… very much.

Sacha's high school Bac results come tomorrow, his decision will follow.



Comments

55 responses to “The Part about Saying Goodbye is the Part I do not like.”

  1. Sometimes, all it takes is one silently sliding tear…

  2. Your post brings a tug to my heart. I know the feeling and words oh-so-well and there is really nothing to say to make it better except, perhaps, hang in there, Corey. You will all get through this transition time and whatever it ends up bringing.

  3. aaahhhhh….
    having no children
    i miss
    so much of the joy
    so much of the shared special times
    so much of the heart*ache…
    😐
    Lucky You…

  4. oh this must be so hard… i can’t yet imagine how it would feel, and don’t think i want to think about that 🙁
    i hope it feels better once you know his decision xo

  5. Linda C.

    Lucky Sacha to have such loving parents…

  6. Our oldest daughter went to college in San Francsico. 2365 miles away. The west coast is a good fit for her. It’s been eight years now.
    Our only son went to college in Chicago. 682 miles away. A good fit for him. It’s been six years now.
    Our youngest daughter stayed in the area but recently became engaged to a nice young man who lives 174 miles away. My heart cried with joy when she said they decided he will move to our town.
    After our oldest moved away, I read something that stayed with me – it didn’t make me miss her any less, but did make me feel better. Some people think that when their children move away from them, the farther away they move, the harder they are trying to get away. But the opposite is true; by being able to move so far away, they are showing us what a good job we did raising them and are now able to survive on their own. We raised them well.
    I know you and French Husband will be able to accept whichever decision Sasha makes. Regrets are something no one should have to live with.
    Allison

  7. While I understand your emotions, as I have “been there”, I do not understand why such emotions haven’t surfaced, at least in your blog, with your daughter’s plans to go to SF and then China? He will be with family…not in a foreign country. And he will return in a year to go to the university not far from where you live. I hope your son makes his decision based on what he wants in life, not what others want for him. It’s a hard lesson for all parents.

  8. Being apart from my family all these years, as I know you have also been, makes reading this hard. I think that really and truly and in the most perfect world, the best thing to do is to be near your family. There is nothing to compare with playing with cousins, visiting aunts and uncles and being around as your parents grow old. Being there in life’s passages.I have missed so much not being around my family….things that I’ll never be able to see or do again. My family was not close knit, but the ideals were always there, I wanted it so badly and still do. Its funny I marrried a man from another country, with no family also. My karma I guess.. something is lacking and always will be. So I live a life that has a underlying sense of loneliness that I don’t think will ever leave me.
    I did not leave my family because they did a good job and I could take care of myself, so what Alllison read is not always true. I ran away as far as I could get for exactly the opposite reason. I can’t give any good advice for your Corey. Although it is ironic that Sacha is going back to live near your family…so its a full circle..

  9. Marie-Noëlle

    That will make his decision more difficult to take !!!
    Thinking of you all … !

  10. He needs to go…and it seems you know that. But what a blessed boy he is…to see a single tear of FH, his father. And to hear those words from a loving mother. His confidence will be unshakeable.

  11. A very emotional post, indeed. I don’t have children and I didn’t come from a very loving family. I don’t think anyone cared whether I stayed or went — or what I did.
    It would have been so nice to have a father who mourned when I left and a mother who could speak of her love and loss so freely.
    oxox
    Kim

  12. Your post today makes me teary eyed. You write so well of the feeling of impending loss. And speaking of the tear on your husband’s cheek brought one to mine.
    My son is just a few years younger than Sacha and I’ve already felt the sorrow at his leaving home in a few years creeping into my life. I share your feelings and I agree that it’s a joy for our kids to have the freedom to go anywhere and our sorrow that we can’t always have them with us.

  13. I’m sure that so many parents know exactly how you feel. I often have to tell my daughter that I need a bit of help getting through all this “growing up” – I think it helps both of us if I say it to her….
    Corey – your way of “saying it” it so much nicer! Thank you for sharing!

  14. I have quote on my wall that says, There are two lasting gifts we can give our children, one is roots,the other wings.
    Giving wings is not always easy for the giver. Take care and release with joy.

  15. Oh how I know that feeling of letting go with a child….I cried for days when my son moved over sea..but no matter where he goes as parents we have to let go and that alone is the hardest…..

  16. I remember driving down the road after saying goodbye to my daughter as she moved into the dorm her freshman year of college. Through the tears I said to my husband, “Things will never be the same.”
    In time I found that the family bond we share became stronger through the changes.
    And it’s funny, if they were to stay, and become increasingly dependent on us THAT would be even MORE difficult, now wouldn’t it?!
    Things will turn out just fine. You’ll see!
    Blessings!

  17. I haven’t had to deal with this particular emotion… yet… but I have two boys now in high school and these days are drawing nearer. The more I think toward the future, the more memories of their childhood keep filling my head. Happy and sad, all at the same time.

  18. Lucy Rogers

    Oh honey, big hug. Let him go with a happy heart for you and for him. I promise he will come back and maybe bring a pretty girl and some new grand babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He needs to remember you being happy…It’s ok. I have one little grand son and at 2, he’s pure pleasure! It has to happen. You don’t want a 35 year old baby hanging around because he is afraid to leave MAMA.
    Fly little bird. Be well…come back to see us…love…

  19. georgie

    Those phone bills to/from Willows are going to be amazing! You and Yann raised a wonderful, self assured young man. Still, it isn’t easy to think of him moving away from home-no matter what the distance.

  20. Oh, Corey…the “goodbye” is the worst! I am proud you said it. You didn’t say “you cannot go” or “you shouldn’t go”. You simply stated your feelings. Maybe Sacha hasn’t made a decision partly because he wanted to hear your words.
    I also cannot stand the waiting…waiting and goodbyes are hard on a soul.

  21. The one thing I find so sweet about this story is Yann (FH) and his emotions. How wonderful it must be to have a father that cares….
    Letting go is very hard, but has to be done, and it has taken me a long time to learn this. My boys left home years ago, the eldest left to join the Royal Air Force 16 years ago, and the youngest left when WE had to move because of my husbands job 5 years ago, he then got a place of his own.
    You are not saying Goodbye.. letting him fly! you are also saying “We want you to go , so that you can fulfill your dreams, but we will miss you very much” and will be here for you!

  22. Such a difficult time as parents, I’m sure. If Sacha decides to go to Willows, view it as a gift to both him and your family there that they have the opportunity to bond in this way. And there’s no rule that says you and FH can’t spend some time in Willows as well–a good transition time for all of you.

  23. Oh, Corey. That made me break down into uncontrollable sobs for you. Love to you and your family. Change is difficult. But necessary sometimes.

  24. I am not there yet, but I feel for you. I look at my children sometimes and try to think, “Remember this moment. Remember how it feels. Remember how wonderful it is to have them here and all of us together, and happy, and young.” I cannot bear to think of any of them leaving, and my oldest is only 10!

  25. Michelle M in KY

    Dearest Corey and FH…
    I am sobbing!!! I, too realize that time is flying by. Your words were so eloquently spoken & capture the true meaning of parenthood. My children are 5 and the twins are 3…and at this very moment it seems that time is speeding past us. The baby things are all but put away and toddlerhood is well on its way. It’s sad and too fast. I know that even in my most stressed out moments with 3 children right under my feet most of the time that before long they will no longer want to be right there. They will want to be out with friends, doing things…things that do not particularly involve their Dad and I. So, for now, in those moments of wanting to hollar give me some room…I take a deep breath and let them continue to be at my feet, on my lap, tugging on the back of my shirt because soon, they will no longer want to. I do hope that Sacha makes the decision that’s in his heart and that this next chapter for you and FH is a smooth transition filled with lots of love and new memories.

  26. Allison

    I’m a 27 year old single woman with no children (but a 15 year old sister that sort of counts), it’s my time of month and I’m sitting here crying reading this! I do not do goodbyes well at all… of any sort.

  27. My youngest daughter will graduate next year. I already have been crying when I think of her leaving. I never thought I’d be this way. I know I have to let her go.
    My husband won’t like this… but, I may have to get another French Bulldog puppy.

  28. Oh I HATE to cry.
    After I reading your post I got up and when into where my 4 year old son was watching a movie and sat down with him to watch it together. This Sept he starts pre-school then, before I know it he’ll be all grown up. I want to enjoy these moments and stock away the memories while I can. Thank you for the reminder.

  29. Of course, you see the irony. French Husband tears up at the thought of his son being away for a whole year, when he took you to France far away from your parents for a lifetime…
    That doesn’t change the fact that you are both so sad at the thought. We are so sad that they are leaving, but so proud of the adults they have become.
    My daughter leaves in August for a school 9.5 hours away. I think I will spend a lot of time in the car driving to see her.

  30. You’ve done well raising your children to be fine adults. What that means for you is that they will always come back home. Fear not.

  31. Oh Corey……this was so beautifully written.

  32. When My youngest daughter moved to UC Davis, a mere 35 miles away I cried all the way home. Going with her to Grenada West Indies get her settled into Vet School my husband wondered how he would ever get through 17 hrs with me crying the whole way home. I did OK I only cried part of the way. She moved to New York 2 years ago. Again cried 1/2 way home. Getting use to this? NO..I talk to her every day and she is so homesick. She is trying to find a job back in Northern Ca. She is 34 and wants to settle around her sister, niece, nephew, mom, dad and grandmother. Her adventures have served her well. She now feels like nesting a little closer to home. We did a good job, she is independent, self reliant and very self assured. She is a wonderful Doctor and a beautiful woman. I am content. And she has no regrets. Good luck Shasa no matter what you decide. You have been raised well and well loved and nothing can take that away from you. As parents our ultimate goal is our childrens happiness.

  33. Oh Corey, I’m so glad you were honest with Sacha. No matter what he decides to do, he knows your true feelings! This is what counts!
    When my mom was diagnosed with terminal kidney cancer and given between 3 and 12 months to live, there was one thing she wanted: to have her children with her. My sister and I lived two provinces away, but because Mom told us what mattered most to her, we decided to take our school-age children and move to BC for the time she had left. Of course, she said “But I don’t want you to disrupt your lives for me” and all that malarkey, but we knew her heart’s desire ONLY because she was honest with us. And I’m so glad she was not afraid to ask for what she wanted. It was a gift of her trust in us, and it turned out to be a gift of time with her — time that we really made the most of.

  34. Ed in Willows

    I hope you explained to Sacha that your feeling are purely selfish and that’s a parent’s right. He is beginning a new chapter in his life and you will be rewarded for raising such great kids. I know it’s a little easier when kids leave home at different times. With both of yours leaving together, it will be a difficult transition for you and FH. Use this time to enjoy life together like you did in the time of BC (before children). If Sacha decided to come to Willows, it will be one of his most memorable years of his life.

  35. It’s so hard.

  36. I couldn’t help but think of your parents and how they must have felt when you headed off to another continent.

  37. I am glad you communicated to boy what was in your hearts. I already knew what you both were feeling as I have been in your shoes. The last one to leave is scary for you and husband. “What do we do now?”

  38. It has been a tough few weeks hasn’t it? Saying (or not in our cases) goodbye is hard, change comes whether we want it to or not. Just remember what a wise man said to me last week…..commencer.
    Give the kids a kiss and tell Sascha to let me know how Bob and Bill are doing 🙂
    Bisous my dear!

  39. I remember the pained look in my dad’s eyes when the Englishman I’d fallen in love with came up from Florida to ask my dad for my hand. I’ll never forget that look because dad knew I’d be moving to England. Having never been a parent, I don’t know how that feels. Well Corey, look at it this way…going to Willows would be a wonderful experience for your son, something very different, and it might encourage you to return so you could visit him, and be reconnected with your roots. France will always be there for you to go back to. I think travel is an excellent experience and one that should be enjoyed while young.

  40. I wish Sacha luck with his results! It must be hard to let your children go – I imagine what my parents think and I also think that they are lucky that I haven’t gone more than 75 miles! I don’t have children but I know how hard it is when friends move on – which happens often in this science dominated town!

  41. Corey,
    My son moved out with his girlfriend this spring. It happened fairly quickly- He is 22 so he is certainly old enough to be on his own. Even though he has moved not far away it has been an adjustment to be an empty nester. Life does change and they do grow up but those changes do come with tears and joy intermingled.
    We are beginning to adjust now and so is he..
    Good luck to your son on his results..
    Regards,
    Anna

  42. Maybe this will help. My sister Cathy said she sobbed the day her son (Nick) told her he was moving out. He had found an apartment with a bunch of guys (post college graduation.) Six months later he called to say it didn’t work out as expected and he was moving back in. She sobbed again:)
    jackie
    bliss farm antiques

  43. Being a single mom due to a divorce, I have to say goodbye to my daughter every week now. She is was only 9 when it happened. I knew there would be goodbyes someday but not so soon or so frequently. I often cry when she goes, though she doesn’t always know it. And it doesn’t help that she goes to a house that is better than the one she has here and is taken places that I can’t afford to take her to and that her other world is complete with another woman and therefore a “family” atmosphere. But she hates the other woman and always calls this house her home and is happy to just be with me and not go to places. There is nothing I want more than a family like you have and yet even there heartache can be found. I am having to reinvent my life due to my circumstance and yours will naturally fall into place too. But nevertheless, the heartache is there. The heart aches only in proportion to it’s love… your children are so fortunate… as are you and French husband. Change can sneak up… and you described this one so eloquently… my thoughts are with you Corey. xo

  44. What better place than with family in a place that you know, this alone will make it easier to bear. Focus on all the good that will be experienced. And, with all the various forms of communication these days, staying connected will be sooo easy, the year will fly by.

  45. What exactly would Sacha DO in Willows? Is there a plan yet for him to work there, or attend college nearby? A year of enforced idleness in Willows might not exactly thrill him.
    Of course, all this might be out the window once he receives his exam results 🙂

  46. Jenny McH

    For 3 years our daughter has choosen to live on Lord Howe Island to work, which is a 2 hour flight off the east coast of Australia. (no mobile phone service there) So she works there for 6-7 months and usually comes home to Melbourne for 6 weeks in the winter, then heads back to the island for the next tourist season. The first time was soooo hard to say goodbye, I had such a heartache and her Father always asks “when are you coming home?” and her reply is, “when you create a beautiful huge lagoon in the backyard.” This year she came home for just 3 days recently and has decided to live in Perth, Western Australia (a 4 hr flight) for the winter. We call her gyspy girl and my SIL thinks we picked up the wrong baby at the hospital.(as we are so conservative, waiting until our early 50’s to travel) Although we miss her terribly, it was time for her to spread her wings and discover the world. She has had many wonderful experiences and meet & made such lovely friends. Just think of the wonderful experiences & connections with family that will be created whilst Sacha spends a year in the place where you grew up.

  47. I love the honesty! You’ll be ok. A peek at his mom’s world is quite a tribute. If he chooses Willows, think of the memories you’ll have in common….a lifetime worth!

  48. Julie Ann Evins

    Oh Corey, what a relief to speak the pain, & so much better said for everyone. If S does make the decision to go to Willows what a gift for your Mum! Good luck to S with his results ! We will be happy to distract you if our proposed trip happens and believe me I have all the tools ! God Bless special Coco, Jx

  49. Oh Corey this made me cry. My girls are only 3 and 15 months and I hate leaving them for one day. Love to you all.

  50. My sister’s daughter, my godchild, just passed her BAC from the French School here in Lisbon, and will soon be leaving for Spain to become a chef….. Wasn’t it just yesterday that she was cuddled in my arms…?!
    Isabel

  51. Twenty-five years ago, the day after New Year’s Day, both my daughters left home together, one pursuing a nursing career at Duke, the other beginning a new job search. My husband and I came back into the house after their send-off and looked at each other and cried. Talk about empty nest.
    We had given our two little chickadees their roots; now they were flexing their wings. It took a while for each of them to gain footing, but leaving home was not a bad thing. It let them know we trusted them and were willing to let them make a few mistakes.
    I have to admit I am trying to understand why you and FH don’t want Sasha to spend time in the place where you found such comfort during your Dad’s last months. Sasha saw what Willows meant to you during that time. He doesn’t have a large, warm family in France. Maybe he needs that.
    Even if it would be a mistake, he may have to be allowed to make it.
    At least now he knows how you feel. It will help him with his decision, but I hope he doesn’t choose to just stay close to home because of your feelings.
    Fly, baby, fly.

  52. Jane Ann

    Your post spoke so much of what a mother feels. I feel both your grief and excitement for Sacha. My eldest has flown our little nest, married, and lives with his family 1500 miles away. Life is so precious and fleeting. His leaving has totally put into perspective my role as a mother. I never realized the depth of sorrow I would feel with his leaving. It really quite amazed me. My parenting style has changed since he has left. I have realized very moment is to be cherished. I’ve learned not to obsess over the little things. Four more Chickadees still at home, with 2 leaving sooner than later. Oh my, Lord help me!

  53. Oh Lordy, my thoughts are with you. Madame M and an empty nest are a very difficult combination to deal with, I can tell you from personal experience. How fortunate you are, though, to be in touch with your feelings and have all this lovely support from your readers. It took me a year or more after my youngest left home to understand I was mourning the empty nest. It really is a new stage in one’s life and we all know change is difficult.

  54. My thoughts are with you and Yann. It is heart breaking to let them go. Your words have brought back all the memories of when my son went to the UK for 12 months at the age of 20. But when he came back he never left for another 6 years and then it just felt ok when he finally moved out. xxx

  55. Corey… Your words have brought me back to so many transformational moments in my life but only snippets of poignant memories nothing like the grand feelings you’re experiencing. My youngest, Rocco, started to walk the other day. He no longer needs my arms to walk to and my thoughts darken to the future when he’ll be independent and walking to school, going off to college and moving away. I write to my boys now in a journal so that when they’re teenagers and diificult and strong I’ll remember how young and dependent and cuddly they once were.
    What a great new phase you’re entering into.

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