Stories Collected While Living in France

French la Vie

A Mother’s Heart at Christmas

a mother's heart

Photography and text by: Corey Amaro

The house stood still, while memories ran around like children playing peek a boo from every corner. I sat and watched. The candles flickering light added a softness, so did French Husband reading at the dining room table. As if on cue he looked up, caught my weak smile, and asked if I was okay. I nodded, though the children giggled as they hid behind my chair.

 

Statue bust

Memories are like that provoking as to look back and see things in a new light. Reminding us of feelings we tucked away as neatly as the Christmas decorations back in the closet.

They can catch us off guard.

"It's so curious:  one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses. " Colette

Isn't that so true…

 


On the wings of a bird

The other day I had to go to the hospital for a check up. The doctor asked if I was stressed, or worried since what I felt was a heart attack was unbased. She said, "Your heart is strong, there isn't any sign of heart problems. Are you sure you aren't stressed, worried about something, over worked?"

I answered no and believed it.

 

Shoes

 

Annie listened as I told her I was fine, and that the doctor had said it wasn't my heart. I leaned back in my chair as I told her, "The doctor asked if I was stressed. Isn't that silly. I am probably the less stressed I have ever been in my life, well except for the time I was in the monastery."

Annie reached out and took my hand in hers, "Corey you miss your children. When you want to cry don't hold it back, just cry. Your heart can only hide so many tears before it starts to ache."

"But my children are happy. So I should be happy too…" The flood gate, the one that was bolted, the one I have stood in front of believing was strong came down.

Annie smiled that knowing soft smile, "There, there let it be, let it go… now you know the price of loving. A mother's heart is never her own."

 

Comments

77 responses to “A Mother’s Heart at Christmas”

  1. Linda

    What a smart woman Annie is. When I went through my divorce with my first marriage my heart actually hurt. Emotions can do strange things to our bodies.

    Reply
  2. sharon

    Beautifully written Corey, brought tears to my eyes. We love them so much that it aches, and we love the way life is when they are around. It’s only natural to have an ache when they’re gone.
    Sharon

    Reply
  3. Lilas

    Tears are healing.
    Like you said, it doesn’t mean you are stressed, or depressed, it simply means your heart is heavy. Tears like Annie said need to flow.
    _______________________
    Hi Lilas,
    My family in the States call it “the Amaro Thing”. There are several cousins who cry easily (I won’t mention any names :)) I think I use to be one of them, then tried to pretend I wasn’t. I guess I am learning that to cry easily isn’t a sign of weakness, but bravery with a new mask.
    Corey

    Reply
  4. Marie-Noëlle

    “Je ne suis qu’une larme
    Dans ton œil
    …
    Tu sais que si je viens
    Mouiller ton chagrin
    J’en emporte un peu
    Au fil de la rivière
    Claire
    De tes yeux …”
    (Yves Duteil)
    Tears are somehow your “blow-off valve” …
    … just let your tears run your griefs away …
    Thinking of you sincerely and sweetly !

    Reply
  5. Tace

    Sometimes crying is the only thing to do when there’s nothing else to do. It washes out the mind I think, it relieves some pressure that’s built up in the brain and heart. If we we werent meant to cry then why do we have tear ducts and sloppy, soppy movies? 😀

    Reply
  6. Gracie

    It’s true, sometimes we just have to let it go…..

    Reply
  7. michelleb.

    Everyone would be lucky to have an “Annie”. The wisdom she shares….
    I’m glad she’s there with you.

    Reply
  8. Jeanne

    Boy can I relate on your heart aching when you miss your children. Since my Son left home in 2003 my heart is aching and feels so empty.
    Annie is very wise indeed.
    She is the friend everyone is lucky to have especially you.
    god bless you……………
    Love Jeanne♥

    Reply
  9. Natalie Thiele

    Interesting that Annie can so easily diagnose your pain. What an amazing woman, and great friend!

    Reply
  10. Jackie

    You are so lucky to have Annie. Sometimes, when I am sad and unsettled I go see a sad movie (alone) and let ’em flow.
    jackie
    bliss farm antiques

    Reply
  11. maria

    That’s so funny…”The Amaro Thing” ….in my family we call it similarly because we are criers, too…growing up my dad hated when we cried, but later I discovered it was because he was a the biggest softy of us all.
    Having your child leave home is so weird. They’re gone, but come back. They’re not dead, yet the absence hits you painfully at times. You’ve done everything you were supposed to and now they’re equipped to go out on their own like they’re supposed to. BUT IT STILL SUCKS and I really hate it.

    Reply
  12. splendid

    now you can begin to enjoy the holidays
    because you know you are not dying
    we went through this a few yrs ago
    with my husband
    our children take pieces of our hearts
    but they heal over and we go on
    as long as we don’t pick the scab
    being human means learning to let go
    over and over
    love to you all
    xoxoxoxooxoxoxxoxoxo

    Reply
  13. JudyO

    Beautiful. Annie is so wise. I went through a similar thing when my two flew the nest. I think menopause has something to do with it too:)

    Reply
  14. Lee

    What a wise woman Annie is. So often, others can diagnose what we cannot see. Your are simply a mom who misses her children. You are human. I have a feeling I will have many tears this holiday season, while my family is so far away and I’m stuck up here in the cold north.

    Reply
  15. Rhonda P.

    Oh, such a sweet and tender moment with Annie. Let it out Corey, it’s okay. Have a little moment once a day, if necessary.
    My doctor said the same thing to me, what has changed in your life, are you stressed? I told her I’ve never been happier.
    I feel your pain, we all do.

    Reply
  16. Aspectacularmess.blogspot.com

    Oh. This caught me by surprise and with a lump in my throat. They don’t tell you these things when you take home that new little bundle from the hospital. NOBODY tells you these things… They are healthy, happy and so are you. And so this is Christmas. A bittersweet, special, gentle time of year. Be good to yourself, Corey. Cry every so often. Cheers – Kathy

    Reply
  17. sue

    Annie does sound like a treasure. I still feel that way and my son has been gone and married for 5+ years. He just lives too far away for my happiness, and all my family lives scattered all over–I’m always saddened by that at the holidays. But it does make our moments together very very special when we do see one another. Your emotions are very valid…it’s good you realize what’s causing that ache.

    Reply
  18. Liz

    I don’t have children who must leave you behind but do grieve other losses. What a hard, sad but ultimately rich episode in life…letting go and moving on.

    Reply
  19. Karen at Pas Grand-Chose

    Health scares make us feel vulnerable and acutely conscious of the connections that pull strongest on our heart. I’m glad to hear your heart is strong – physically, at least. Letting the floodgates open is probably the best healing for emotional heartache – Annie is wise indeed.

    Reply
  20. Cheryl ~ Casual Cottage Chic

    Get those sad feelings out with a good cry…then let’s get out and about and shop, shop, shop… for holiday gifts {ah, you thought I was going to say brocante/antiques…gotcha!}.

    Reply
  21. Debra

    C, I feel your pain as my oldest spreads her wings wider everyday and I know she will be gone too soon. Funny, I have friends with older children and over the years as I watched their children grow and leave I would think to myself, “Thank God my kids are younger”. Well, that’s not true anymore, Father Time has kept marching on. From the mirror, he reminds me everything changes very quickly.
    This weekend some friends and I got together and one who is very spiritual talked about detachment . . .how He wants us to detach. I haven’t stopped thinking about that conversation.xo

    Reply
  22. Star

    Oh, Corey, my heart goes out to you. Do not let those tears build up; let them flow and lean on those who are near.

    Reply
  23. deb

    This post made me cry. My grown children are far away and I miss them terribly. Of course I’m proud that they are living happy, productive, independent lives (that’s what we hoped for at one point, wasn’t it?), but I wish they could live happy, productive lives CLOSER.
    Annie is right- a mother’s (and a grandmother’s) heart is never her own . Mine is scattered all over the country and longing to be put together!

    Reply
  24. Pearl

    Ohhh, how Annie’statement “Your heart can only hide so many tears before it starts to ache” resonated. I had to pause, take it in and allow it to find it’s place within. We all need an Annie sometime’s. Corey, this too shall pass.

    Reply
  25. Sharon, Morrison Mercantile

    Crying is the safety valve on our emotions. When it becomes too much for us to internalize the emotions we carry, then the valve let’s go and the pressure releases. God was a wonderful designer of humans…he knew what we would need.
    When children take flight, it is a new passage in our life, and one we are not prepared for. In time..this too shall pass. I promise.
    (((Corey)))

    Reply
  26. Jenna

    If only love were simple. Do you know what I have been thinking since I read about Chelsea making yams with your mother on Thanksgiving? What a wonderful gift you gave her this year, it must have been like having you around in spirit stirring the pots and adding the spice. Perhaps a bit of your mom rubbed off and she can give that gift back to you this Christmas.

    Reply
  27. jeni

    Annie is such a wise friend. “A mother’s heart is not her own.” As always Corey, you speak from the heart, mirroring what we experience with such grace. This post went straight to my(mother’s) heart. I wish you a warm holiday season.

    Reply
  28. Tamara Komuniecki

    Corey,
    I passed this on to my friend and partner in Delish, Cynthia, with this message : “Aaaah. Can barely type with the tears in my eyes!”
    I am sure this will be the hardest thing to do in my entire life – let my Finn go away and grow up, one day in the far future. I can just imagine how difficult and hard on the heart. You must feel torn, and letting those tears fall will help relieve some of that…temporarily, maybe, but it’ll help.
    Hugs to you,
    Tamara

    Reply
  29. Brenda L from TN

    Words of wisdom from that Annie….listen to her.

    Reply
  30. annette richmond

    Annie is one wise lady. I know what you are feeling about your children being gone. I have been through this myself and it hurts. Do cry anytime you feel like it cause God gave us tears to use. When my husband left me I thought I would be never be happy again but I am. Time heals all things. Pretty soon the hole that has been blown through your soul will heal.

    Reply
  31. christine

    wow – i will keep these words in my heart as my baby finishes her college applications this week….i am heading towards the same place and already i’ve become a blubbering mess!
    thanks

    Reply
  32. Just Plain Jane

    We had a therapist years ago who assured us that where there are tears, angels are near.

    Reply
  33. martina

    A person has to cry every so often,and not keep emotions bottled up. Otherwise they will explode!

    Reply
  34. pattyg

    Such rich words of wisdom and a wonderful reminder to breathe and release all those emotions. Corey, I hope you are well and wish you all good health during the holiday season.

    Reply
  35. Amy Kortuem

    I wish I could reach out and hug you right now and then comfort you with chocolate! I feel that similar heart hurt every year on December 12, the day my beloved Grandma Freda died. It was 13 years, but the pain is still as fresh as the day I held her hand while she took her last breath.
    The heart hurt will melt and blend into joy again. I know it will. Annie’s right. Just let it out.

    Reply
  36. Marilyn

    Yes, Annie is a very smart woman. It is a difficult adjustment when your children go out on their own. But so good and you can be so very proud of them. They are doing just what they are suppose to do and what you raised them to do.

    Reply
  37. Theresa

    So glad your okay health wise. This post brought tears to my eyes. You are so lucky to have such a wise friend as Annie. It is so true sometimes we have to just let go.

    Reply
  38. Michelle M in KY

    My Dear Corey…
    I wish there were a way for you to spend some time with your children. Perhaps splitting your time between France and the States. Believe me…my children are young and I miss them even when they are in the house or when they go to sleep. So, I am sure that having them so far away is extremely difficult. It’s nice I am sure to have this time alone with FH, but I am also sure that it feels like a limb…a part of you is missing. You know what it is? Those children of yours have run off with pieces of your heart and even though they are happy and you’re happy for them…your heart is aching…missing them. Annie is such a dear, smart, and caring friend to pick up on what you needed and hold your hand all the while. Try to stay strong, but remember to give into those feelings when they rise up. Thinking of you my dear friend.
    P.S. I LOVE and completely adore the shoes.

    Reply
  39. Kimberly

    Corey, I am also going through something similar. I call them the flood gates and lately the flood gates have a mind of their own and when I think I should be crying I am not and when something small happens I fall apart. This is a season in my life I will never forget. Blessings, Kimberly

    Reply
  40. Stormy

    My husband and I have moved hundreds of miles away from our children. This will be my first Christmas in 30 years with no children. My heart is also hurting…

    Reply
  41. Joanie

    Oh Corey, what a wise woman Annie is. You are so very, very blessed!! I cried when I read this post because in a short while I’ll know how that feels in a more painful way. You see, my son & his wife are moving to Japan for 3 years and I wonder how I’m going to stand it. I ache now cause I haven’t seen them in 9 months. What’s it going to be like when I haven’t seen them in a few years?
    Hugs and much love to you and FH! And Annie too!

    Reply
  42. Alena

    I am real mess these days. My son just moved out a month ago.
    I cry a lot!!!!
    Thinking of you Corey and thank you Annie.

    Reply
  43. Jillayne

    Isn’t that the truth – your heart isn’t your own. Letting yourself feel what you are feeling is the best thing you can do and putting on a brave face all the time is a strain. There’s nothing wrong with missing them terribly; not missing them would be even sadder.
    One thing I have learned from my children who are 25 and 22 now, is that they want to know I miss them – they really do. But they also know what I want most for them is that they have the freedom to live their life where it takes them and that l am happy in that.

    Reply
  44. Jenny N

    Here’s a hug corey! I love you. And that Annie is a powerhouse of truth and love: A Mother’s heart is not her own! How true. Love to you and yours at this Christmastime.

    Reply
  45. colleen

    I am in the same place in life that you are Corey. My children have gone off to their own lives, they are happy and doing well, but the empty place they have left is a gaping hole. Did you ask Annie when it starts to get better? Ask her what happens next please.
    Colleen

    Reply
  46. Laurie

    Oh Corey,
    I just had to share too. This very same thing happened to me in November. Our daughter was married on November 6th this past month. We’d been planning the wedding for about fifteen months. We did a lot of the preparations ourselves to keep the cost down. I had been fine through the whole thing. We love her choice for a husband and everything was basically fine. Several of us had gone to the home where the reception was to be and finished the final decorations and headed home so I could make it for my hair appointment. I walked in the door and the receptionist, who I’ve know for years, asked how everything was and I burst into tears for no apparent reason. She gave me a huge hug and said weddings were a stressful time and that was all I needed to hear-very helpful, although I think you and Annie hit it on the head so much more so. Once you have children your heart will never be the same. Laurie

    Reply
  47. Victoria Ramos

    Annie – what a gem! And wise! I love her quote ‘A mother’s heart is never her own’. So true. I have been sooo missing my girl, who just came home from college FINALLY last night for winter break. The minute she opened the door and called for me, I couldn’t believe how much this house missed that sound……

    Reply
  48. Nancy

    Sweet Corey, Thank you for sharing what I have not been able to express or admit. My only child is engaged and now I not only share her with her father’s side of the family (they got ALL the visits!), I am sharing her with her fiance’s family. It is a joyous rite of passage but I MISS her! I miss our holiday traditions and I only got them for 18 short years. She has no idea how I long to have a Christmas in my new home….at least once. It makes my heart ache and I cry inside. I just want to have a Christmas here, like we used to have in our old home…just a few new memories. Thank you for helping me claim that pain. Love you!

    Reply
  49. Denise Moulun-Pasek

    Here here Linda who posted before me. And we are lucky that our emotions are available to us. Some people are not connected.
    Long live feelings!

    Reply
  50. Shelley Noble

    Corey, please write a book exactly like the first paragraph of this post. K?Thanks.
    Oh, and be sure to take the incredible (!) images of this post and it’s entire contents (along wit your many others equally amazing and soul-nourishing and lay them out beautifully like a coffee table book and have a big publisher print it in a hard cover version for us to buy. ok. thanksbye.

    Reply
  51. Everton Terrace

    Oh Annie, the wisdom of Annie has me crying this afternoon now. I once went to the doctor for heart palpations that I thought were happening way too much – it was stress and anxiety. Funny thing is my daughter (only child) had just moved to another state. Lovely lovely post.

    Reply
  52. Cindy

    My husband and I don’t have children so I can’t relate. But I can imagine. All those years of mothering, all those countless times you wiped a runny nose, paced the room with an unconsolable baby, planned birthday parties, I could go on and on. I think Annie said it best, “A mother’s heart is never her own.” Sometimes I think of how unfair it is for us women that, generally, we are so connected to our hearts. I’m sorry you are hurting Corey. ((((((hugs)))))))

    Reply
  53. Dawn

    Oh, Annie’s words: “Your heart can only hide so many tears before it starts to ache.” Beautiful. And true. Cry, cry, cry, Mama!

    Reply
  54. Sugar

    Yes, so very true! Why just recently daughter went back to campus (only 15 min. away) and so I held back the tears. After she drove off, I told husband and son that I needed to go to the grocery store. That was only half true. As I drove, the tears came.

    Reply
  55. p

    You can be happy for AND miss your kids simultaneously. The first lonely Christmases are the worst but the ache of missing absent children never goes away entirely. You seem the type to smile through those tears, TICA.

    Reply
  56. carol

    Oh Corey, I feel like you are talking only to me….I love your words and Colette’s words too. So very true, especially now.

    Reply
  57. carol

    and not to forget the beautiful words of Annie….now you know the price of loving. A mother’s heart is never her own.”
    What a dear friend.
    love to you,Corey. I miss my daughter too.

    Reply
  58. An Enchanted Cottage

    Another beautiful, heartfelt post, Corey.
    “The house stood still, while memories ran around like children playing peek a boo from every corner. I sat and watched. The candles flickering light added a softness, so did French Husband reading at the dining room table. As if on cue he looked up, caught my weak smile, and asked if I was okay. I nodded, though the children giggled as they hid behind my chair.”
    What a perfect opening paragraph for your someday book. What a gifted writer you are. Your entire post made me tear up. Our children grow up so quickly, don’t they?
    Hugs to both you and Annie….
    Donna

    Reply
  59. ellen cassilly

    I’m so happy that you have Annie in your life. Keep those tears flowing and keep having the lovely memories.

    Reply
  60. Paula S In New Mexico

    hug

    Reply
  61. Lily

    Ahh the different kinds of aches a mother experiences. Hugs to you Corey! Ur such a wonderful mother!! They r so blessed to have u.
    Lily

    Reply
  62. jend’isère

    As you’re depicitng a mood throught a setting, not only are emotions of mothers shared, you will inspire my daughter’s high school essay.Merci.

    Reply
  63. Julie Ann

    I am at the beginning of that curve Coco, learning about a mother’s heart. I keep thinking thank goodness I didn’t and am very unlikely to have any more children as I wouldn’t have room to love or worry about any more – me who always wanted 4 ! don’t doubt that it is never ending and you find yourself where you are now – all part of the job description I guess. Love Annie, Jx

    Reply
  64. Vickie

    Corey I have big fat tears rolling down my cheeks reading this. I have 2 kids out and 2 more who are nearing their exits. My older 2 girls are both moving out of town (1 with the grandchildren) at the end of the month. My 2 boys at home will be turning 16 and 18 within the coming month.

    Reply
  65. Elaine L.

    My daughter is 25 and has been living on her own for several years, now. She is very happy and truly knows how to enjoy the simple things in life.
    Even so, there are times when I recall a memory and feel sad. My husband will ask me what’s wrong and I’ll say, “oh, I’m just missing “baby” Lauren or “little Lauren”, whatever the case may be. I think it gets easier when your children are replaced by grandchildren and the cycle of life repeats itself.
    ~elaine~

    Reply
  66. Shannon

    I’m glad you have wise Annie as a friend.
    What she said about the price we pay is so true. My kids will always hold a piece of my heart and take it with them when they leave. I guess you can also see it as giving a gift to them.

    Reply
  67. Candy

    You don’t need a doctor when you have Annie. What a precious and very wise friend. I know just how you feel. And the quote from Colette is right on too. Thanks for sharing, Corey.

    Reply
  68. Diana

    Oh Cory I took some of your words….I also said your my friend (I know through a blog).
    But if I was walking down your street I would bring you wine, cheese, and chocolate.
    (Wouldn’t that make us a friend!)LOL
    But truly your words hit home….my Friend Annie passed away two months ago….and we had this same conversation last year at Christmas…your words tugged at my heart
    and made me realize what is pent up.
    Thank you Thank you for all that you touch from your words of wisdom, to the sweet smiles that burst from me with your wit.
    Love to you and your family…Diana

    Reply
  69. Bonita

    I’m there. Still have one at home, but the oldest is a college boy now.

    Reply
  70. Judi

    Ah, yes. Every mother knows this sweet and deep pain. It’s almost unbearable sometimes, isn’t it? God bless Annie! She is so wise.

    Reply
  71. FrenchBlue

    I know Corey… I am right beside you. Being. Being strong, being proud, being sad, smiling, letting it be, letting it go but remembering….when our children were small and when our Dad’s were here.
    A GREAT BIG GIANT HUG,
    Janet

    Reply
  72. Neinah Avelin

    My heart aches with you, for you, for me, for all of us Mother’s…
    Sending you love.
    Neinah

    Reply
  73. Sherry ~Rustique Gal

    Dear Corey,
    It is so hard to see our own eyebrows as the Buddha said. Stress is hard to read. Annie is so wise to pinpoint it for you, what a precious friend she is. Maybe missing your children is in the heart and the fact that they are happy is in the head. The heart rules~Listen to your heart.
    A warm hug from
    Sherry

    Reply
  74. barbara gillies

    i remember when my daughter went off to college in Ireland. i had what i think would be called a panic attack off and on for a few months and then after much talking with friends,doctor and sweet daughter i realized i was missing her so much and also worried that all was truly as good as she said. it is hard letting go but it does get a tad easy. hold on and remember you gave them what they will need to bloom.

    Reply
  75. Marie

    I miss you Coco and I wish we had enough money from C.F.C to buy you a ticket!

    Reply
  76. Linda

    Oh Corey what a gift you have. I have been crying for no reason, I lie, all the reason, our children and two granddaughters are moving thousands of kilometres away soon and it feels like my heart is breaking. The thought of not being able to just hold them, kiss and cuddle them, is so tough. If I feel like this now, I cringe to think what its going to be like closer to the move. You are such an inspiration and I love love love your blog.

    Reply
  77. cathi

    I know that feeling all too well. I have one child at home, but my heart has been aching to see my other child too, who lives about 5 hours away. I will see him at Christmas, so my heart will be swelling then! Much love to you! xxoo 🙂

    Reply

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