The death of someone we love brings us to a stark reality. A new territory with a map fueled by emotion lost ways and memories.
Life is not only beautifully complex but for the living, life continues even when you feel your world has fallen apart. During this time of great sadness regarding my cousin Lynn, I am reminded of my fiancee John, who died suddenly years ago.
I remember the day very well as if it were just moments ago and not over twenty-five years behind me. Death has a sting that one never forgets, let alone leaves one untouched.
The moments before and around a tragedy become locked in time, much like a freeze-frame. Where one can see, recall in nanosecond detail.
Moments before John died we were at his home in the kitchen. We had sandwiches for lunch, I put the mustard jar in the fridge, (Later, I would tell the doctor who accusingly asked me, "What where drugs were you doing before he died?" I replied, "No! The only thing we had was veggie sandwiches, with mustard, honey mustard to be exact.") and took out the strawberries that I was going to dip the tips into melted chocolate. John was lacing up his shoes while watching a bike race on TV. We were going to go buy a bicycle for me for my birthday. We were talking, joking, teasing one another during commercials, I remember him joking with me saying, "…Oh, no way you will die before me…". Seconds later the phone rang upstairs and he went to answer it. John died of an asthmatic attack moments later.
The moments surrounding my cousin areas such….tragedy, shock, a piercing reality that life is frail and strong, her family will never be the same.
At first, it will be painful, seemingly unbearable at times, and in the same breath someone might recall a silly moment with Lynn, and peels of laughter will pour. You see life does not stop even during times of grief. What does happen is isolated fragments of feelings and thoughts, a freeze-frame of time, a depth so deep one feels raw to the core.
And therein that raw truth life's hand plants gracefully seeds of hope, courage, and forgiveness, in an insufferable soil of one's heart.
And in time healing blooms, and one remembers love without shedding a million tears.
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