Feeling the Rain Soak Through Me

Star key chip

 

A few days ago spring broke, the almond trees hinted pink blossoms, I unbuttoned my coat, and untied my scarf. The signs of Spring brought hope. Daffodils and strawberries from Spain graced the the markets. 

"Spring is showing its face," I told my friend in the hospital, "Do you want to go outside? It has been nearly six weeks since the sun kissed your face. Come on!"

He shook his head no.

 

 

French notebook, communion, and drawer handle

 

The tail end of winter wagged its tail today.

Dark skies replaced the blue.

Rain glistened the sidewalks, rain drops hung on tree branches, I felt wet with bitterness and cold.

My friend felt no better. His face told me his reality hit. He is in the depths of winter, regardless that spring is at hand. I tried to comfort him, though my words fell short instead I said, "It must feel awful to be where you tried not to be…alive that is."

I wanted to shake him, like I shook my umbrella. How I wish it were so easy to shake free his depression. Instead I sat by his side in silence.

His eyes spoke an unforgiving emptiness were no love, nor compassion felt welcomed.

 

 

Silver match box, and man leaning on a chair

 

We sat in his room.

I waited for the next wave to hit his shore.

Certainly an undercurrent stronger than the dark waters present would come, wiping his rocky beach clean.

Isn't that the message of Spring? Isn't life stronger than this? Don't those bulbs underground, the barren fruit branches, the egg waiting to hatch mean anything? 

I have to believe that no matter what masks the person, no matter if only a grain of life is seen or not, part of them is aware. That if a person is suffering depression, Alzheimer, in a coma, or on life support underneath it part of them, the true self is present, they feel, hear, our compassion, our love. 

Though sadly I had to admit to myself, being present to someone might not change the outcome, but nevertheless give a hand to hold before the next one comes to lead the way.

Suffering alone cannot be an option. 

The daffodils bulbs, the barren branch they appear hopeless before being reborn.

 

Black dye and engraving

 

I walked back to my car in the rain. Wondering what life was all about. Not seeking answers just feeling the rain soak through me.



Comments

51 responses to “Feeling the Rain Soak Through Me”

  1. Evelyn in NYC

    saying prayers for your friend.

  2. life is like music: sometimes soothing; sometimes chords playing at opposition.. when the lines intersect, often magic is made.
    you friend may be deep in depression, yet your presence, your touch cannot but help him re-establish his connection with life and its possibilities.
    knowing the depth of your caring has strengthen me to know that there are people like you. you are so special, corey..

  3. I’ll tell you how the sun rose,
    A ribbon at a time.
    The steeples swam in amethyst,
    The news like squirrels ran.
    The hills untied their bonnets,
    The bobolinks begun.
    Then I said softly to myself,
    “That must have been the sun!”
    (Emily Dickinson)
    Hugs,
    M. xxx

  4. Such a powerful, articulate post, Corey.
    In awe of you.
    Yes, the Soul must always be present, despite what it looks like to us.

  5. I now sit on the shore of the Pacific Ocean across the world from you and he. I know his pain. I’ve been there. I, too, contemplate the power both within ourselves and next to us. Though we see and feel different, the ocean sends a power filled message: Do we feel the strength of the waters and hear oneness or do we see and hear something that is too great to grasp? My prayer is that your friend capture the latter. Prayers ”

  6. Leslie Garcia

    May God Bless His Heart… “Just remember in the Winter, far beneath the bitter snow~lies the seed that with the SUNS LOVE in the SPRING becomes THE ROSE.”
    Thinking of you Corey and hoping the rain stops falling for your friend and for you.

  7. I have a short video (non sequiter – totally unrelated except that it may make you feel better) that i will send later.

  8. HE has certainly given you the gift of nourishing souls, Corey. The way you tend to those you care for–Annie, your friend in the hospital, Shelly, your godchildren, FH, Chelsea and Sasha (and so many more, I’m sure) is just an extension of what He has to offer. You know what to say and how to say it, or when not to say anything at all and allow your presence to be the comfort they need.
    Keeping your friend in my prayers.

  9. You are a good friend, Corey. And no, you can’t do anything else. The sadness is that, when a person is in that place, even kindness makes them feel even more worthless, as if they don’t deserve your compassion and love. But that is only in the moment. In the long term, your presence is going to make a difference, in one way or another. Bless you.

  10. It is such a hopeless feeling when a loved one is suffering from depression. Your post today is just beautiful. You are such a special person.

  11. So sorry anyone has to suffer depression, I am well introduced to Mr depression through family and friends

  12. Corey, my heart hurts for you. And for your friend. xo marlis

  13. Oh Corey, how I feel for your friend. I get so down in the winter – the past week I’ve been laying on the couch more than not. Today has been better but I just hate the dark down days. Praying for him!

  14. Keeping you and your friend in my thoughts and prayers, dear Corey.

  15. Dawn Fleming

    Tears came to my eyes as I read this. All you can do is what you are doing.
    Peace.

  16. Depression is very sad . . . difficult to bring a spirit of hope and lifting when lilt and laughter are so far away. . . . standing beside with your caring does help . . . hopefully, hopefully.
    Such a dear friend you are . . .

  17. This weekend I offered to take my aunt to lunch. She declined. She is in a “funk”. Her word for her depression. I acknowledge her right to decline, but I desperately wanted to bring sunshine into her life. I took her daffodils instead and dark chocolate coconut bon bons. It isn’t a cure, but made her smile. That is all I wanted – to see her smile. Sending you hugs, wishes for courage & strength, and guidance from above as to how to bring a glimpse of sunshine into a dark world. xoxo

  18. Corey, You have such a loving heart, you see so clearly and express it with beautiful words. Very touching. I hope the rain can clean your friend and make him feel whole again. In the meantime we are holding you in our thoughts as you care for him with your friendship and love.

  19. You are a wonderful friend, Corey. I have been sitting by my friends bedside as she is in the final stages of a disease that has ravaged her body and mind. It’s heartbreaking to watch our friends go thru so much pain. Saying prayers for your friend. xxoo

  20. Sendings healing thoughts and prayers for your friend Corey, for him to see all the beauty around us, the magic of spring coming.

  21. Corey, oh soooo heart rending that your friend is still in depression’s thrall. Prayers.

  22. Wishes for healing and good energy for your friend and Annie!

  23. Nancy in Solana Beach

    Life is like an ocean. It can be calm and still or rough and rigid. But in the end it’s always beautiful.
    You are such a gift to each of us. You show us every day how much a difference just one person can make.
    Sending warm thoughts and prayers to you and your friends.

  24. Surround yourself with joyful people and things. Your friend is in a place that is hard to understand much less fix. Hugs and prayers.

  25. it is hard when you don’t have the answers and can’t help in the way you want to. saying a prayer for you and your friend.

  26. this has affected me greatly-i was hoping for progression from the depths-he has remained with me as have ALL his care givers-family friends and professionals-my thoughts and prayers remain-the weather took a winterey turn here too- 50mph winds a cold blowing wind rain grey black all day and snow 2-6 inches tonight-cannot wait for spring -saw 2 red breat robins last week and bought a crocus plant just yesterday white roses today just a little something to make spring feel closer! with all my heart-my spirit unites with all holding him close-

  27. Your images and words are so powerful, Corey. Not being able to experience happiness must be a lonely and miserable road. I may have a few down days but reading about your friend’s condition is heartbreaking. I’m afraid I see it all too often, the sadness in other’s eyes. Praying there is an answer – truly praying.

  28. What a post Corey… you can feel your sorrow wrapped up in every word.
    We who love life, in all it’s colours, in all it’s moments, we can’t imagine sometimes how anyone can feel differently. And when you can see even a sad beauty in the darkest of shadows, how can be it that others do not?
    It is sad we don’t all want to feel the warmth of the sun on our face – I hope you always do….

  29. Corey, you have offered me solace today. My mother is suffering from alzheimers disease. The one thing that comforts me is that I believe her soul is alive and well. Somewhere in her confused state she is still my mother. She still trys to feed me. She wants me to have a place to sit. She doesn’t want my back to hurt. She thinks she has outlived herself. I try to tell her otherwise even though I don’t understand either. Thank you for sharing “the rain” with me today.
    betty
    s

  30. Sending hope that life awakens in your friend. You are one wonderful human being, Corey, with the unfaltering support, caring, and love you give to your friends and family.

  31. Corey,
    This quote from Mother Teresa reminds me so much of you your strenght your compassion caring joys sorrows,,,,,, and all you have shared with us on a daily basis -(whew- a lot of dedication on your part) I Apologize for the length
    JOANNY
    “Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
    Life is beauty, admire it.
    Life is a dream, realize it.
    Life is a challenge, meet it.
    Life is a duty, complete it.
    Life is a game, play it.
    Life is a promise, fulfill it.
    Life is sorrow, overcome it.
    Life is a song, sing it.
    Life is a struggle, accept it.
    Life is a tragedy, confront it.
    Life is an adventure, dare it.
    Life is luck, make it.
    Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
    Life is life, fight for it.”
    ― Mother Teresa

  32. I’m sure you are right about your love adn compassion being felt and welcomed somewhere in a part of your friend, even if he is unable to respond to it right now. Spring can be the hardest time if you are feeling down – almost as if all that new life and hope is mocking or callously ignoring your pain. Sending love to you xxxx

  33. Patti Lloyd

    sometimes it feels that even prayers don’t help, but I think at least it helps the one who is praying. I admire your steadfast dedication to those in need..we don’t always get the gratification of seeing the answer, but you are a lesson to us all to never give up. What a wonderful example..Namaste.

  34. Patti Lloyd

    just one more thought..even if the one you pray for is not helped, there most certainly will be others who are saved by your precious words that you share.

  35. Such a lovely passage by Mother Theresa. I hope Spring springs eternal for your friend – depression is a horrible disease. Bon Courage!

  36. Sending much love and prayers for your friend and for you my sweet friend. I am so glad you are there by his side…………….I hope his suffering will end. Love Jeanne

  37. I have thought so often of your friend and have wondered how he is doing. It’s hard to comprehend such despair and I’m so sorry for it. What a wonderful friend you are.

  38. What a kind, caring and sweet friend you are Corey!
    May he find some peace in your support and friendship.
    Prayers for him and hugs to you!

  39. Corey
    So many blessings in this friendship; for him the warm flow of the heart messages on the breezes that waft around him, in the ethers from the community of your friends who stand in solid support of him on this most challenging of journeys and pray every days for there to be some peace in the places that carry such weight for him and for you, beneath the sad reality of the depth of the struggles your friend is experiencing is that gift of giving from the heart all love and care to another as life for them is difficult. There is truly a gift of great measure for those who are able to pray for and care for fellow travelers on this earth. Thank you for sharing the walk you take, the strong and solid place of support, prayer and care your blanket this precious friend with every day. You consistently are for me a model of from the heart friendship, compassion and great love.
    Kristin

  40. Corey, my working life is spent at a mental health center where we treat clients with extreme depression, such as your friend seems to have. There are many medicines that are effective without the side affects that used to accompany such medicines. Modern pharmacueticals are working wonders and giving people their lives back. If there’s anyway he can be exposed these new medicines, he may benefit greatly. Prayers, of course, are always helpful but modern medicine may be, too.

  41. I believe no one should suffer alone as well. If a person feels just one momement of your hope, love, friendship, and your commitment to them in their time of despair then that is one blessed momement we have given. It’s not what we see in return but what we have given.

  42. Depression is such a horrible disease! compassion + prayers for him + holding his hand is about all one can do. Thank you for holding his hand + having so much compassion. xxpeggybraswelldesign.com

  43. Corey, thank you so much for writing so truly about your experiences. Being able to see (and express) the pain and the beauty. Without the ‘answers’ to everything, just honesty. It is beautiful, the way you write.

  44. Your sunny someday will soon come to you..
    The last line from Pink Martini’s song ‘Hang on Little Tomato’
    http://youtu.be/bX2Hg4ldMws

  45. Brenda L. from TN.

    Dear Corey,
    I am so very sorry your friend is still in the hospital and feeling so unloved, unwanted and still depressed. Even tho you are sitting right beside him and offering kind and loving words of encouragememt and hope and love. You are a GOOD friend and showing him in many ways he IS loved and wanted. But…sometimes people just can’t seem to hear you and we just have to accept that hard realization. I pray the doctors are prescribing the corret medication so he can look at the world with clearer eyes and see all the love and kindness the world can offer.
    And I pray that happens for him and for you. May God’s blessing and will be on you both.

  46. Your post today is amazing and I’m so moved by your words. Depression is so tough, not only for the sufferer but also for those close to the person. I’m so very glad that I stopped in for a moment today to check your page.

  47. Kathie B

    Deep depression is a biological illness — a biochemical imbalance that can’t be wished, prayed or loved away, no matter how much one hopes that one or more of those approaches could work. It has to be treated as the medical condition it is, with appropriate medications, and the right combination and dosages of them is so difficult to determine (plus the patient’s chemical imbalance can change, too). There has to be cognitive (“talk”) therapy, too, to help the patient work through the dark thoughts that accumulated during the depths of the illness. And finally there has to be a lifetime of medical vigilance against a recurrence. This is such a tough row to hoe for your friend, although it’s good that he has such loyal friends as you and Yann. Kind wishes to you all.

  48. Your compassion and strength is inspiring. I pray for you and your friend that you stay strong in your belief in and support of him and that he sees the hope you do and that there is a reason to join in the living. You and he are in my prayers in this Lenten period. Maureen

  49. This post was incredibly touching. Having never suffered from depression this kind of despair is a stranger to me. I know he must get some strength from your friendship and support. I admire you for standing by him. It has to be so hard.

  50. Here’s to believing for light at the end of your friend’s very dark tunnel!

  51. Sue Morris

    Your post is So very moving Corey…..May your friend know that he is loved no matter what the outcome.
    Praying for you Corey and also for your friend…..May he find the peace he so longs for.

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