April 29th, Five Years Ago

Vintage baby in a antique frame

Reflections.

Memories.

 One after another.
Connecting one moment of time to the present.
A song came on the radio,  the words transform now to then- 
I am a little girl out in my dad's barn, suddenly I see him standing before me…

The song continued to play, the words carried me back,

I am standing by his side…

 Death cannot rob the memory that feels so real.

 

Five years ago my dad died. At that time I couldn't imagine a day, let alone five years later.


Grief had its own map, and it took time to walk along the unknown path it put before me. Walking, running, or standing still… the view remained the same, the rhythm played on. I felt its strangeness, the sudden urge to run or cry or wrap myself up a blanket and hide. But grief did not let me go. 

It does not matter if the person you loved died young, old, after a long illness, or suddenly, or if you got to say goodbye…death stings and mourning has a song all its own.

As the floodgate opened memories swirl around me, I would hear a sad song…and dare not move-

Each step forward was one further away from the moment of when my father was alive. Days passed, weeks went, years marched on.

It was a new world with a melody that had me somewhat off balance.  As each day unfolded I would pray,

"Sing softly I am listening."

 

__________

 

Five  years  ago. Thank you Dad for your undying love that sustains me even now.


 



Comments

45 responses to “April 29th, Five Years Ago”

  1. Maria in NY

    Gee, Corey, so hard to believe five years have passed already. May you continue to be comforted in all the lovely memories of your dad.

  2. Thinking of you and all the wonderful stories you’ve shared about your dad.

  3. Grief chapters . . . so vivid and personal . . . I will be thinking of you today . . . Hug those sweet memories . . .

  4. You are in my thoughts. May the love of your father continue to surround you and comfort you.

  5. Gentle hugs…
    “Auntie”

  6. Cheryl in Wisconsin

    Beautiful sentiment, Corey.

  7. For me it was 5 years last december…and never a day passed by without me remembering how much he loved me….and how much I miss him.

  8. christine.jacob2@wanadoo.fr

    You can only grieve if you have loved…

  9. becky up a hill

    Tears stream.

  10. Such a lovely, heartfelt tribute. I loved reading posts about your folks and hope that, as the years pass, the ache still in your heart finds surcease.

  11. Lucky girl.

  12. jennifer in SF

    Thank you for such a beautiful post today. Thoughts and hugs are with you.

  13. Christine

    Dear Corey – it’s hard to believe it’s been 5 years since your Dad passed. Your journey to help him end his days in dignity and peace are forever imprinted on me. My father’s 30th anniversary was a few weeks ago – although I can no longer smell him, I hear his voice, I feel his comfort whenever I need it…………
    Blessings
    Christine

  14. Janet with Eiffel

    I lost three people this month.
    Grief is walking me down a different
    path for each one??
    Death is still a concept I just
    don’t seem to be able to
    wrap my head around??
    I am thankful for your words so often.
    You help me to respect that
    I’m not the only person
    who has to take this journey.

  15. Anjanette

    Your words always touch … sending hugs.

  16. My dad died on May 1 30years ago. Thanks for the beautiful message. xxpeggybraswelldesign.com

  17. Hugs. I am in that space you were 5 years ago. Watching him slip away and remembering what was.

  18. sftly said and strongly felt-so beautiful…my mom’s death 13 years ago was very sudden and sometimes i feel stuck paused trapped wrapped in that sunny bright fall morning-almost in slow motion-what a wonderful daughter he has and once again thank you for sharing-PEACE BE WITH YOU

  19. Kathie B

    Hugs to you, Corey. I still miss my father.

  20. Sending you a huge hug from New Hampshire Corey…we never forget our dads and I think daughters are always extra special to them. I lost mine so long ago and yet it seems like just yesterday….but each year I go through the same melancholy feeling.
    Remember Corey, his spirit is still with you, always watching over you 🙂

  21. Rebecca from the pacific northwest

    Thank you, as ever, for your honesty in revealing your heart and, in so doing, articulating so much on behalf of many of us. During your dad’s illness and after his death, I went from enjoying your snapshots of life in France to deeply appreciating the depths you willingly revealed to your readers.
    May your dad always echo in your life.

  22. Thinking of you, may much love continue to come your way. xo Jody

  23. Beautiful, Corey! My dad was killed 7 years, and I miss him daily. I have such wonderful memories of him and live my life to the fullest as that is what he would want me to do. I still feel him everywhere. xxoo

  24. Thinking of you today…
    Your father raised a good daughter. He taught you how to love well.

  25. Hold fast, dear Corey, to all he left behind with and for you. And selfishly I send my love and appreciation for these few words “Death cannot rob the memory that feels so real.” I’m lost in my struggle these past long days as I approach the first anniversary of losing my mom..and reading those words helped so much. Your beautiful words took me back too to your dad’s barn, the tools..the motorcycle. How wonderful that he had so many years to see you so happy.

  26. Giving sorrow words…helps us all. Thinking of you today.

  27. Dads are special. I had a good one too whom I miss tremendously like you miss yours. What a tribute to your special dad — sharing your love of him publicly. I am sure he is very proud of you. A big, gigantic hug is sent your way, dear Corey.

  28. Your words touch our souls, just beautiful.
    I love that you have these wonderful memories of your dad. And yes, life is somewhat off balance with the death of someone so dear.

  29. I am sitting in vigil next to my mother in the ICU unit…who collapsed on April 27 as we were about to begin dinner celebrating her 84th birthday. I wave a white flag to grief daily since my father’s death….and wonder if I will accept this next step in my life without having to tear that flag…

  30. LauraInSeattle

    Everything you share here, even heartache, is profoundly beautiful.

  31. Loves+ hugs.

  32. Frank Purrkins

    According to your faith, each step forward also brings you closer to being reunited.

  33. Chico Sue

    Hugs of comfort to all of you have been sharing your sad experiences with Corey, and to she who is marking the anniversary of her own precious loss. Peace to you all.

  34. The loss of a loved one makes such an impact on our lives and leaves a hole in our hearts, to fill up with loving memories.

  35. Linda P.

    Songs evoke such strong emotions, especially concerning grief. When my mother was dying, the song “Without You” (I can’t live if living is without you) was popular on the radio. My mother confessed that my father cried each time he heard it. So did I, and so do I still, all these decades later. Otherwise, the grief has abated and I remember my mother with smiles, thinking of the way this very serious woman giggled whenever she was with her sisters, the way this very skinny woman got up in the middle of the night to bake chocolate cakes, the smell waking me from my sleep to share a middle-of-the-night treat with my mother.

  36. thinking of you Corey – I know I’m a day behind – for some reason your updates hit my inbox a day behind. You had a wonderful Dad – so happy for you that you have wonderful memories!

  37. TEXAS FRANCOPHILE

    Like Jill I receive your posts a day later. However that gives me the opportunity to read all the other posts. Your Daddy raised quite a girl. Isn’t it interesting what we receive from each parent. It was so soothing to read what all your followers are experiencing. My Daddy was my alpha and omega. I lost him 4-2-02 but he apart of my every day. Presently I am going through their house staging it for sale. Happy happy memories. Wishing you peace in knowing that you will always be Daddy’s little girl.

  38. Bless you, Corey, such a sweet post. My dad has been gone 5 years in March, I’m still lost on that map of grief. He still shows up every day in things he has done for us, his words he spoke so wisely. I have a cache of his things from his shed…I have not gone to the hardware store for a screw, old hinges or knobs for quite a while. He’s left behind many blessings, fine things for sure, but I feel his closeness in the practical things in his stash. It is just so “him” to be prepared that way.

  39. Touching words which evoke feelings that we all feel if we have lost someone especially a father.

  40. Angelic Salyer Towe

    My mother died five years ago also,
    in July. Just this morning a song
    came on the radio and a memory
    flooded of me of my mom in her hot
    pink robe, her long auburn hair loose
    and free, a cigarette dangling from
    two fingers, as she winked at me and
    swayed to the music. It was an
    invitation for me to join her then.
    This morning I just wept. Suddenly
    and in huge sobs. Grief is like
    that.

  41. Elaine LaMonk

    It’s so hard to believe it’s been that long.
    ~elaine

  42. Beautiful Corey. Tears and thoughts of how lucky those of us who had special relationships with our dads are. Hugs to you.

  43. I can see that you are an expert at your field! I am launching a website soon, and your information will be very useful for me.. Thanks for all your help and wishing you all the success in your business.

  44. I lost my mom on the 29th of April 3 years ago and it’s also the birthday of one of my best friends. A bittersweet day for sure. Thank God for good memories.

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