Stories Collected While Living in France

French la Vie

France May Not Be For You?

France

Whenever guests come to visit from the States I am reminded of the subtle differences between the two countries. Differences that I use to notice, though as most things, over time, have lost their impact on me. Nevertheless, when guests come to visit, the conversation leans towards the nuances between France and the US. 

 

Paris-chess-in-the-park

 

Robin Locker Lacey wrote a blog post that pointed out a few differences between France and the US that I thought spot on. I am reblogging her thoughts regarding the matter:

 

France May Not Be for You if…..

  1. The French sure do love their cigarettes.  If you don’t like cigarette smoke, France may not be for you.
  2. If you expect to be fussed and fawned over at dinner by wait staff who act like your new best friend and offer up their name, France may not be for you.
  3. And if you may become upset and impatient when said wait staff let you relax and enjoy your meal rather than shoving you out the door, France may not be for you.
  4. If you need to touch and riffle through all the merchandise when you’re shopping and you think the customer is always right, France may not be for you.
  5. If you expect the French to smile, hold the door for you (a complete stranger) and speak to you in English, France may not be for you.
  6. If you don’t like cheese - the smell of cheese, the taste of cheese. It’s a country of over 365 cheeses and if you can’t handle that much cheese, France may not be for you
  7. If you prefer Paris sidewalks to be free of doggie doo, France may not be for you.
  8. If you’re not big on etiquette, using your manners, or going out of your way to be polite in a foreign country, France may not be for you.
  9. If you like mega-sized portions and leftovers, France may not be for you.
  10. If you thing aloof, private and reserved translates to rude, France may not be for you.
  11. If you have no desire to learn a bit of the language or culture before you go, France may not be for you.
  12. If you’ll be highly offended when you try to speak your best French, but you’re answered back in English, France may not be for you.
  13. If you’ll throw a hissy fit when the classy resto you’ve been looking forward to dining in won’t serve you at 3:30 for lunch or 5:30 for dinner.  France has set hours for shopping, dining, banking and other services, France may not be for you.
  14. If you’ll be uncomfortable when Parisians blatantly stare at you while sizing you up on the Metro, France may not be for you.
  15. If you can’t sleep in anything less than a king sized bed or stay in a hotel room the size of a house, France may not be for you.
  16. If you might ask a waiter for a phone book to call the health department to report the women sitting at the next table in a bistro who’s dining companion is her dog, France may not be for you.
  17. If you’re not greeted with the same sense of urgency as you’re used to in other parts of the world (ie, the U.S.), France may not be for you." 
VIA: Robin Locker Lacey is a travel consultant for Italy and France, freelance writer, photographer and foodie. Her blog, My Mélange, features info on her favorite European cities, travel essays, hotel recommendations, and budget travel tips. (http://mymelange.net/mymelange/2012/08/france-travel-advice.html)

 

Wine glasses

Table Etiquette in France by Kari Masson


"I made the mistake of assuming that my table manners would come with me across the pond as naturally as my southern accent did. The years of my mother’s training in the home were followed by etiquette classes in college, and I felt quite at ease in a formal dining environment. Then I moved to France.

Our first dinner with a French family was a truly wonderful experience. I remember I was taking a delicious bite of foie gras when my husband leaned over and said in a gentle voice, “Keep your hands on the table.”

 

Stacked chairs

"I had obviously misunderstood, so I smiled and leaned over to ask him, “What did you say?” He quietly, but firmly responded with, “Keep your hands the table!” Surely I had not heard him correctly, as any well-brought up young lady knows that you do not rest your hands on the table while eating. As I was thinking it over, he turned to me and calmly said, “Keep. Your. Hands. On. The. Table.”

At this point, I surrendered my badge of southern belle training and trusted my husband’s knowledge of French etiquette. I lifted my hands from their place in my lap to rest gently on the table. And then I looked around to realize that everyone else at the table was already doing just that.

As expatriates, we all have these experiences in which we see so clearly that our culture does not translate well into French. The rules are different, and in order to thrive in our new country, we must adapt to this new way of doing things. But first, we must learn what exactly these rules are. Let’s play a game of true and false."

French-market-signs

 

"1) Should you place your napkin in your lap immediately after being seated?

False. Once the hostess places her napkin in her lap, other guests should follow suit.

2) Do you put your bread in the upper left edge of your plate, or on a bread plate?

False. Bread is placed directly on the tablecloth, on the left above the fork.


3) Should you tear your bread into a bite-sized piece before eating it?

True. Always! It is very impolite to take a bite from the whole piece of bread.

4) When the aperitif is served, do you wait for the host to give the toast before drinking?

True. You should wait for the host to lead the way, whether an aperitif or dinner course. Once everyone has been served a drink, the host will generally make a short toast after which the glass-clinking begins. It is polite to make eye contact as you say, “Santé.”

 


French-antique-wine-glasses


Note: Also never cross over someone's arm when toasting, it is considered bad luck.

5) When serving wine, should the glasses be filled up to five millimeters from the brim?

False. When pouring wine, stop when the glass is three-fourths full.

6) It is acceptable to eat pommes frites  (French fries) with your fingers?

False. While fast food has made its mark in France, eating foods with your fingers is still strictly limited when you are at the dinner table. If in doubt, follow the lead of your host. Mayonnaise or Mustard is the choice topping.

Also when eating pizza at a restaurant or someone's home a fork and knife are used."

 

Ouvert

 

The comments yesterday were wonderfully said. If you haven't read them and you want to know more about differences between the French and the Americans you might want to read them.

Yes, some French take two hour lunch breaks, but not everyone. Though when the French have breakfast, lunch, or dinner they don't eat… they dine.

The French table is more than quenching hunger. It is the center of their lives. It is an art form, poetry of conversation, a feast in motion, it is a source of pleasure, it is the gathering of family and friends, a daily celebration of living.

It is never on the go.

When my mother in law came to visit in the States (before French Husband and I were married) we went to have lunch before goingsomewhere…  I ordered pizza, grabbed a bunch of napkins, and some drinks. In the car I gave her slice of pizza, and a napkin. She gave me a startled look, uttered something in French… in which case I put the piece of pizza in my mouth, and with my hand imitated her to do the same.

She gasped. It took years us years to understand one another.

Hand-painted-glasses

Tell me the differences between France and the USA that you noticed or heard about. I will responds in a few days to what you might say and what I have come to know.

 

Comments

36 responses to “France May Not Be For You?”

  1. Natalie Thiele

    Fascinating! I have wanted to return to France for 25 years and will finally do so next year. I guess I had better brush up my mostly forgotten French. As to the customs, I’ll hope for the best.

    Reply
  2. Toni

    I long to learn this art of dining. Tell us more!

    Reply
  3. Bev S.

    Corey,
    I wish that I understood the Russian part of your post but that is what at least half of the blog was in.

    Reply
  4. Chris Wittmann

    The differences are very similar to those between England and the US. I recall having to close up the antique shop where I worked for a 2 hour lunch break, and the constant stream of American tourists in summer, all asking for the nearest burger joint or where to find a decent cup of coffe (which you were hard pressed to find back then). I could spot an American tourist a mile away! I blended in well though, the changes seemed to agree with me, at least back then in my youth! My question to you is this: are the French as anal about political correctness as so many Americans are?

    Reply
  5. Nannister

    what makes a US tourist stick out? If you come over with a French person does that make you more welcome?

    Reply
  6. Evelyn in NYC

    I spent a week in France this past May. I LOVED IT! The hardest thing to get used to was restaurant dining and not rushing. It was really nice once you learned you really could relax and enjoy your meal. I’m sure I made alot of french people cringe – I took bites out of my bread and I LOVE TO TOUCH everything I see in a store. Now I understand the reaction I received in a small boutique in Cassis when I was fondling the goods. I can’t wait to return!

    Reply
  7. Emily

    Is number 14 really true? If so, I’m surprised that Parisians don’t find staring to be rude. Corey, do you think someone with celiac disease could visit or even live in France comfortably?

    Reply
  8. Monica

    Half of your post was in Greek Corey…that happened some time ago as well…and I can’t remember why.
    ‘Table Etiquette in France’ and below just to the photo which says ‘Ouvert’ is all in Greek.

    Reply
  9. liz

    I am truly sad for anyone who would not enjoy the French, and or European way of life,especially when it comes to dining. I wished we Americans would slow down and enjoy the best and little things in life, like sitting down to an amazing meal,or coffee/wine with one another, basking in the life of it all…so brilliantly yummmmmm!

    Reply
  10. Linda C.

    I loved visiting France for all of the above reasons, especially #8. Not only are the French civilized and seek charm and beauty in the every day. They are friendly and helpful. If tourists say otherwise, it’s because they are “tourists” and not visitors.

    Reply
  11. Irina

    Bev S. that is not in Russian 🙂

    Reply
  12. martina

    Basically, as a friend’s daughter would say “we aren’t all that and a bag of chips”. After reading this post, I realize France might be perfect for me. As many of us have noticed while travelling in Europe, the behavior of other American tourists can be quite embarrassing. Too much demanding for immediate attention, urgency and disrespect to waitstaff etc.

    Reply
  13. Ann

    It doesn’t appear that the French are happy. I have never visited France but those who have come to the US for meetings that I have been in, seem to be somber and without a sense of humor. I get the sense that French people are basically depressed and judgmental.

    Reply
  14. Colleen

    I sometimes travel alone, as my husband likes travel less than I do. When I was in France last I was alone and was informed by the hotel and several restaurants, that they would not seat me as “just one”. Do you have any advice for dining out for one? (I survived just fine on dinners of felafel, street crepes, sandwiches, and room service.)

    Reply
  15. Kathie B

    Undoubtedly Farmboy Husband and I sometimes “stuck out like sore thumbs” as American tourists in France. But I found that much seemed to be forgiven if I’d address people in French (FH is no linguist, alas); rather than be offended, I was relieved if they replied in English ;-)))
    Instead of that whole litany of tips the blogger gave, I’d simply suggest:
    a) Don’t wear a T-shirt with anything printed on it; and,
    b) Don’t be loud.

    Reply
  16. Kathie B

    And the best general advice re good manners — anywhere, not just in France! — is something repeated numerous times above: Follow your host’s lead.

    Reply
  17. Kathie B

    P.S. If locals in a non-Anglophone country speak English to you reasonably well, compliment them on their English — BUT ONLY IF IT’S TRUE (because they can tell if you’re just being patronizing).

    Reply
  18. Kathie B

    (Re complimenting people on their English-as-a-second-language: Where applicable, follow up by asking where they learned to speak English so well, because sometimes there’ll be a surprisingly interesting story behind it).

    Reply
  19. Leelee Anderson

    Ann, I must agree with you! I have often wondered why the French seem so dour. France is often named as one of the most pessimistic countries in the world. I can nver figure this out, as there is so much that is special about it. I can also never figure out why so many French smoke. We constantly hear about what good care French women take of themselves. Smoking is a filthy habit and not good for you or those near you. When in France, I see so many young people smoking. I think this is very sad. Yes, France is indeed a lovely country…but like anywhere else in the world, it is not perfect!

    Reply
  20. 24/7 in France

    It’s always important to not be ignorant about the culture of the country you are visiting, not only not to stand out, but to show respect. I love living in France and am (again) struck by the differences when I go back to the US.

    Reply
  21. Patti Lloyd

    After much research and some trepidation, we made our trip to France and did not experience any rudeness, arrogance or unfriendliness. There was only one instance in Paris, when we got lost on the metro, and were standing getting some help from a woman who spoke English. A random man came walking by and cuffed my husband on the shoulder, as though he shouldn’t have been standing where the man intended to walk. There was plenty of room to pass by, so we were totally caught off guard by this. any explanation, Corey?

    Reply
  22. Julia

    When the French are at work, they do just that. They’re also reserved, and there are a series of social manoeuvres to accomplish before being invited into a Frenchman’s circle of intimacy. I’ve been living in France for 35 years and believe me, the French are FUN!
    You say that the French don’t appear happy, that you get the sense that they’re depressed and judgmental, yet you yourself are judging an entire country on a few people with which you had a brief interaction in a business atmosphere.

    Reply
  23. Cara

    Last spring, my sister and I visited Paris for eight days, eight nights and ten pounds! It was the most wonderful experience. I noticed many differences, and loved them. Roadsides are planted with shrubbery and wild flowers. The roads are clean, and trucks are 2/3 the size of US trucks. The farms surround villages, and buildings are well kept for centuries. France preserves its resources. Food so finely prepared, with healthy waiters who obviously made a decent living serving, and had a prosperous appearance. Drinks were served at the temperature that most enhanced flavor,sans ice. Merchandise was displayed attractively, custom apothecaries were available. Drug stores are small and very tidy. Animals were well kept. I saw neither strays nor roadkill. One could hear the street musicians, a great treat. In short, I was quite enchanted and want to return.

    Reply
  24. Frank Levin

    We are nearly finished with our fourteenth time driving all over France. I have noticed that many of the “rules of French etiquette,” are suspended or modified while behind the wheel. I finally have figured out that when a driver follows your car a a distance of two meters or less it means that he intends to pass you at the first opportunity. Realizing this has eased my tension over behavior that would get you a citation in the USA for following too closely.
    I have also wondered over he year why Parisiens, who do not represent the entire nation at all, have not figured out the if you let passengers get off the Metro ( or an elevator) before barging on it would improve the lives of everyone. This behavior carries over onto the highway as well, I believe. These are two of the very few cases where I feel that we in USA are ahead of the French. These and the showers in French hotels, which with few exceptions, always have something that malfunctions. Everything else make me feel like we have a lot to learn. Oh, yes, vacation time of at least five weeks for everyone makes me feel like we are insanely misguided at home.

    Reply
  25. double d

    I have NEVER had a bad meal in France. Not so here in the us. I never ceases to amaze me, that w all that incredible food, the French do not have the trouble w obesity that exists here.
    BTW, love the photo of the bike, and stacked chairs.

    Reply
  26. Irene

    Two friends and I visited Paris for five days in March and then to the Alsace region for five more days. In that time we experienced only friendliness and helpfulness from everyone, including the wait staff at our restaurants. Young people actually gave me their seats on the Metro (I have grey hair) EVERY time I entered. On our first foray, someone approached and asked if we needed directions. In Alsace, the caretaker of the cemetery we visited invited us into her home for poulet et legumes. She said fortunately she had just been to the marche. I’m sure I provided lots of smiles as I slaughtered the language but my trying to use it was appreciated. We struggled to understand each other and laughed as she rang the old church bell for us. If we hadn’t studied our French, we never would have understood her invitation.
    BTW, Corey, your posts were so helpful before and after our trip! Thank you.

    Reply
  27. Marilyn

    Now I must go back and try out what I have learned here. Oh dear, I know I must have kept my hands on my lap and done other things incorrectly. I do believe it is important to observe others around and mimic.

    Reply
  28. RebeccaNYC

    One of the most striking things I have noticed, at least in the South of France, is how polite people are in groups. We went to a “spectacle” at the Pont du Gard the other night, and afterwards, as we walked across the Pont (at midnight!) it was quiet, no one pushed, there were no police trying to keep order…the crowd of thousands just knew to behave and help each other. This became even more apparent as we approached the mostly unlit paths to the parking lot. People with flashlights helped those without, people assisted others in wheelchairs without being asked..all in the dark, all very quiet. As a New Yorker, this type of behavior is remarkable…and one of the MANY reasons I plan to move here on retirement in 5 years. People may not grin at you, or try to be your best friend immediately, but the social courtesy is profound. The world does not revolve around the individual here. We live together, and we treat each other with respect.

    Reply
  29. Kathie B

    I wish to second several others who commented after I did yesterday WRT the politeness of nearly all the Parisians we encountered there two years ago.
    Most exceptional were the TGV staff who helped me get on the next high-speed train from Paris’ Gare de Lyon to Marseille (en route to meet you and Yann) after the automatic door slammed in my face just after Farmboy Husband had boarded. All three staffers spoke English to a greater or lesser extent (I speak just a bit of French), comforted me with great kindness, were efficient in arranging a seat for me on the next train an hour later at no additional cost (in First Class, no less, despite my having only bought a coach ticket!), bought me a large bottle of cold water from the vending machine — and they telephoned the conductor of the train that Farmboy Husband was on, so he could be updated on the situation, and they even phoned Yann (whose cell phone number I had) so he could let you know that we’d be arriving later than scheduled (since FH had to wait for me at the Marseille train station, so we could change trains there for the local that stops near your village).
    Further, eight of us from North America who were staying at the same hotel in the 4th Arronidssement while attending a conference out at Université de Paris-Nanterre (La Défense) the following week ALL noted on how pleasantly surprised we were at the courtesy by the French we were encountering during our stay, as it flew in the face of the stereotype to the contrary.
    Re smiling: I wouldn’t recommend grinning like a loon at the French, but a generally pleasant facial expression doesn’t seem to hurt, even if not reciprocated.

    Reply
  30. Tracy

    The only thing that would bother me would be the cigarette smoke, which gives me migrains. I will just have to move to the country and live in a farm house with the animals!

    Reply
  31. monika

    I have to speak up and say that my husband and I have never found waiters in Paris to be rude, or anyone else for that matter (the only rude waitress that we ever encountered was in a restaurant in Richelieu). They have always been very kind, helpful and professional.
    In fact, I have to echo the general politeness. One of the key things it is important to remember in France is to always greet when you encounter others — for example, when you enter a store. It is just second nature to me now — at work, I always greet the cleaners, and the security staff at the front door. As I was explaining to my new employee today, greeting others in such a way is a recognition of our shared humanity.
    It makes me sad that we live in a place where this is not standard practice.

    Reply
  32. TMReese

    I would have never ordered a pizza to go and expect my to be mother in law to be the same type of slob I was and munch it in the car, (no one for that matter). There are plenty of families in America who do sit down for dinner and enjoy their meal with the company of their family members and friends. Corey, you make France out to be a fantasy place it might be ———-in your head,though. 🙂

    Reply
  33. Denise Solsrud

    boo hoo, i would flunk. i was raised with manners and how to act. but, what i know and politeness i use would make me look like a slob. i can learn. till one learns tho, it would make me very nervous.all in all, i still enjoy learning what i can about the French people and France. i’d have to say, i would be mortified and embarrassed if FH told me to put my hands on the table. i wold not be mad,but let people down. i shall continue to dream.:) Bestest,Denise

    Reply
  34. Kathie B

    Denise, in your defense I’d suggest that if you are employing the good manners you learned growing up and someone behaves in a way that embarrasses you with respect to your manners, then you are the polite one and that person is being ill-mannered.
    E.g., even if it’s considered good table manners to keep one’s hands on the table, for a spouse to demand “Keep. Your. Hands. On. The. Table” is rudeness bordering on controlling behavior.
    If you cut your food with your knife in your right hand while holding your fork in your left, then switch the fork to your right hand American-style to bring the food to your mouth, polite Europeans will recognize merely that you’re using your American good manners (reflexively) and are not intentionally attempting to disrespect them. Anyone who thinks otherwise, especially if they comment on it, is the one being rude, not you.

    Reply
  35. La Contessa

    Beautiful stated……..I have to say the same holds true for ITALY too!As I have learned from the ITALIAN husband!The hands below the table have a funny meaning……I willnot go there today!I wonder if its the same in FRANCE has to do with SEX!

    Reply
  36. Gail

    Wonderful post & great comments. I am happy to learn that my (teeth) braces have made me French as I can not take a bite out of a whole piece of bread and need to repeat it to pieces. 😉

    Reply

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