Stories Collected While Living in France

French la Vie

A Love Note Left to be Found

Only You

 

Sitting by Annie's side there is little to say. Especially when we see each other a few times a day. It doesn't matter if we talk or not. Often we hold hands. Annie's is soft and warm. It feels like I am holding a beating heart.

Annie leans over to me, "You know I am ready to go."

I know what she means. She continues, "I am ready to go be with my family on the other side. I am waiting. I don't understand why God still has me here."

Annie doesn't expect me to reply. 

While we sit there I recall my Father years ago in the hospital. He was suffering. His time was coming to an end, though it would be weeks before he left. One evening he asked me, "Corey, what did I do to deserve this suffering? It doesn't seem fair."

…

Lately, I have been in the deep waters of reflection. The real life questions that make everything look different and more sacred. 

Answers do not come. Which isn't surprising. Who knows the answer to the great mystery that surrounds us?  

One thing is certain: I am ready for this year to end. It has been heavy. Too eventful. Causing me to reflect far too long in the bathtub.

A friend recently commented, "I am not superstitious. But you know the "13" in 2013 just seems too symbolic doesn't it?" 

I wish it were that simple. If only 13 was the problem. But then again… why not?

…

Annie leans back into her chair, closes her eyes briefly, opens them, looks at me, glances at her watch, "Is today Monday? You leave… Thursday?"

My eyes water, as I nod yes. I catch myself thinking, "Yeah this is why some people are afraid of loving. Damn." As I wipe my nose with the back of my hand, I give her a shy smile.

"I will long for you while you are gone." Annie doesn't say it to make me feel guilty, nor do I think she meant to say it outloud. Instead it is like a love note left later to be found.

…

Where is your heart today?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

59 responses to “A Love Note Left to be Found”

  1. WR

    Yes, that is the price of loving, of living fully and embracing those people who shimmer and sparkle around you.
    Mine is called Robert. He lives upstairs in France

    Reply
  2. Momof5

    ((((((Oh Corey)))) such a beautiful and sad post.

    Reply
  3. George in Brooklyn

    Precious friendship like yours and Annie’s is indeed special. What a gift.

    Reply
  4. M

    I hear what you are saying, Corey. I feel it, too.
    “One thing is certain: I am ready for this year to end. It has been heavy. Too eventful. Causing me to reflect far too long in the bathtub.”
    These could have been my words. I put all my hope into the New Year.
    Hug Annie for me, please. And peace to you both, sweet dreams,
    Merisi

    Reply
  5. g

    I have wiped my nose on the back of my hand reading this-as you know 2012 was a year that was heavy yet lost to me-tending to my dad’s health issues and the daily needs-sometimes I feel like I am lost. I am also reflective and tired and ask myself similar questions-my heart is trying to stay in the spirit and season of advent…waiting ….. I can hear my heart beat waiting-

    Reply
  6. carol

    Love your Annie posts even this one filled with sadness. I can relate to what each of you are feeling and will pray for you.

    Reply
  7. Jean

    My heart is with my mother who is less tired than Annie but at age 96, has the same weary longing.
    My heart is with my little grand girls and all their fun and happy hopefulness.
    Hugs to you and Annie.

    Reply
  8. suzanna

    My heart is here: I quote, YOU~ XO
    “One thing is certain: I am ready for this year to end. It has been heavy. Too eventful. Causing me to reflect far too long in the bathtub.” hugs

    Reply
  9. Shelley Noble

    Argh, slaying post, Corey. Slaying.
    Another part of the journey.

    Reply
  10. Bev S.

    I have certainly had years where I have felt like my heart and my body just seem to limp into the New Year. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is faith in God and everlasting hope.
    And yet…today is the 1 year anniversary of my son being sober. (He started his sobriety on the 100th birthday of my grandmother, which I only found out later.) I never believed it possible, truly. I believed that he was going to be our cross to bear. We marvel every single day and give the glory all to God for all things are possible (to quote the angel Gabriel).

    Reply
  11. Nancy in AZ

    Oh Corey, My heart is with my mother who passed away 2 weeks ago. She suffered greatly and never complained, but she did wonder why when she was ready, she couldn’t just be done with it all.

    Reply
  12. Jenny M

    WR, said it so well! There is a price for caring & loving those that have entered our hearts and found a place to dwell there.

    Reply
  13. Jenny M

    WR, has said it so well! There is a price for caring & loving those that have entered our hearts and found a place to dwell there.

    Reply
  14. sue j.

    dear Corey — you have been Annie’s dear heart for a very long while. how this post has touched me and everyone who has or will read it.

    Reply
  15. Star

    You say “years ago” about your father and I think “it hasn’t been that long, has it?” And it has; seems like it is so much fresher than that.
    2013 has certainly been a challenging year, but it seems to me like each successive year contains more challenges than the last. And then I remember that He tells us it will be like this. And I wonder, like Annie, what is He waiting for?
    Deep thoughts for a Monday…
    Wishing you and Chlsea traveling mercies as you wing your way “home”

    Reply
  16. Margie

    My heart aches for you and for Annie. Tomorrow is the 17 year aniversary of my sweet Mother’s passing and I have been thinking of her all week. Kiss Annie’s cheek for me and tell her she is in my thoughts and prayers tonight. God’s blessings on you both.

    Reply
  17. Carolyn Mallin

    Dear Corey,such a heartbreaking post. I was getting my home ready for Christmas this year. I love to do this even though it tires me. I just try to take it slow and easy.My grandchildren love all the lights and decorations.
    I came across pictures of my mother and father. Some taken before I was born and one with me as a babe fathers arms.And that’s where my thoughts were today.My sweet mom has been in heaven for 52 years. And my dad joined her 28 years ago. I miss them both.

    Reply
  18. jolenemarie

    And we will all long for Annie when she is gone one day.
    How deeply a soul can touch those who have never met her.
    She is in essence all of our loved ones we deeply miss. We find comfort in her life somehow because of you sharing her with us. Thank you.

    Reply
  19. Iowa Julie

    Leave it to the Universe, Corey. Trust.

    Reply
  20. Cathi

    I agree with you about this year – it’s been a very tough year emotionally for me also with a few losses of friends and other family issues to heal from. Your friendship with Annie is such a beautiful thing and I thank you for sharing her with us – such a sweet treasure she is, as are you! xxoo

    Reply
  21. Mardog

    I feel fortunate to know Annie through your post and to enjoy the friendship the two of you share. xo

    Reply
  22. paula s in new mexico

    Hug

    Reply
  23. Debra

    I, too, am ready for this year to end. Never put 13 & 2013 together, makes so much sense. And, now, Friday the 13th is coming – the day my husband is supposed to leave the hospital.
    Love reading about Annie & you, so special.
    Have a safe trip home to CA, I will be thinking of you.

    Reply
  24. Marilyn

    Oh my, heavy heart!
    Precious Annie longing.
    Enjoy your trip, but
    then hurry home to Annie.

    Reply
  25. Diogenes

    A beautiful post, Corey. Hello to dear, gentle Annie.

    Reply
  26. Ann

    It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved. It seems love operates within a range of extreme joy to extreme sadness.
    Annie saying “I’m ready to go”, makes me wonder what I’ll be like at 97. I’ve already talked to God and said I won’t go to heaven if I have to do accounting up there. Then I’ll look at my beautiful Christmas trees which I love, love, love and think, I wanna take my trees with me. I have spent years collecting the most beautiful ornaments. Then I think, God must laugh at my prayers and thoughts. Enjoy the moment, Corey, and have a wonderful Christmas.

    Reply
  27. Judi

    What a blessing you have been to each other! Sending love and light and hugs across the miles and ocean to both of you. Your heart is breaking – hold it tenderly.

    Reply
  28. La Contessa

    DID YOU PRINT THAT PICTURE OF ANNIE???
    YOU CAN TAKE IT WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
    I THINK YOU SHOULD CARRY IT IN YOUR WALLET……………she will miss you,but I know French Husband and the SON will be there to step in when you go.
    XX

    Reply
  29. Patti Lloyd

    “The soul would have no rainbow, had the eye no tear.” I embroidered that on a wall hanging once. With the delicate wistfulness of your post,Corey, I sense that you are not really sad. Sometimes we cry from the beautiful and profound. You have a way of finding this, always. Life’s lessons are deep, but I feel you have the grace you need to embrace the sometimes aching realness. Namaste.

    Reply
  30. Marsha @ Splenderosa

    Hold on to her as long as you can, but then realize letting her go to her next more-elevated way of living will release her from pain and not knowing. If we do our jobs (the work of the Lord & the angels)while we are at this level we will ascent up one more level where more information will become available, and all will be peaceful….

    Reply
  31. Aimee

    The year has indeed been heavy. I hold onto to the hope that today’s burdens are tomorrow’s answers. That the sadness clears the way for an even greater love. I adore your stories about Annie.

    Reply
  32. Ana

    I am where all things meet, sadness,truth,love and fear. I too am getting ready for this year to end. A year of endings and the stirring of beginnings hidden amongst the debris. Like new green shoots pushing their way through the rubble. We never leave those we love and they never truly leave us. We carry them in our hearts and minds and recall them when we are in need of solace even when the memories are too painful to bear.
    Love is what we hold in the palm if our hands and love us what we cherish, all else is for nought.
    X

    Reply
  33. Marie-Noëlle

    Nothing to add… Only tears…

    Reply
  34. labergerebasque

    I recently had a conversation with a 23 year old soul, the daughter of one of my oldest, dearest childhood friends who just lost her much loved grandfather (http://www.basquefarmhouseinfrance.com/2013/09/knight-of-nights.html). She told me her grandafather was now free and no longer “limited” or in pain and that he was now free and able to be carried in heart always without also having to feel his pain…

    Reply
  35. annie vanderven

    may God bless your tender and caring heart. Safe trip and back.
    Annie v.

    Reply
  36. mo

    OHHHHHH OUI QUELLE TERRIBLE ANNEE QUE CETTE ANNEE 2013
    kissssssss

    Reply
  37. Jeanne

    The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
    A most touching and beautiful post.
    Your stories of Annie deeply touch my heart as in many way she reminds me of my own precious Grandmother………..
    The words of your love and friendship have been spoken and your feelings felt many do not get a chance to express what you two have. Much love and prayers and many blessings for Annie and for you while you are in CA for Christmas. God bless you dear one. Merry Christmas. Love Jeanne

    Reply
  38. XiijnTEXAS FRANCOPHILE

    Oh Corey how tender the love you share with dear Annie. I hated to hear that FH and son weren’t accompanying you to USA. now I know their mission is to care for sweet Annie in your absence. Safe travels and enjoy the arms of your Mother and family awaiting your arrival! Merry Christmas.

    Reply
  39. Jude

    Your post is poignant today. My Mother would have been 80 today. She died 15 years ago shortly before her 65th birthday. Love the people in your life. Wrap your arms around them. Give them a kiss and tell them that you love them. It’s the one memory you will never regret.

    Reply
  40. Candy

    I love your heart. You love so deeply and purely. My heart is with a dear friend who lost her husband a few weeks ago unexpectedly. He was 53. Talk about questions. They were just starting new adventures. You’re so right. Sometimes you just sit and listen.

    Reply
  41. Carol Sasich

    I have read your blog for years but rarely comment . I feel like I know Annie through you…and this post makes me so very sad . The thing is , if she is ready to go , she is waiting for you to tell her it is OK , you are ready too and will be OK without her ( barely…)
    Her life has been a gift to you , and now you share her with Angels…((((hugs))))

    Reply
  42. jody

    Right now my heart is with you. I hope the love letter is still writing when you return. we know God works all things for good, but sometime i am still afraid. thankfully God’s peace passes all understanding. It all sounds cliche i know, but the quotes express not only my weakness, but his strength i lean on. Have a lovely trip, i know you long to be with your Mother and family in California. blessings, jody in fl xxoo

    Reply
  43. jody

    Corey,
    please tell Annie she has fiends like us praying for her peace and comfort. Sure wish i lived nearby to sit with her and hold her hand. xxoo jody in fl

    Reply
  44. jody

    oh dear, of course that was meant to say “Friends”
    xoxo jody

    Reply
  45. Kate Mai

    Oh Corey, I know it will be so hard for you to say goodbye to her when you leave, and she will weigh heavily on your heart while you are away. I so hope she waits for you. But if not, you will know that you meant as much to her as she to you.
    Safe travels.

    Reply
  46. Linda P.

    It will be hard to leave Annie, but I know your need to be with your mother and your mother’s need to be with you has also been on your mind.

    Reply
  47. Peggy Braswell

    I have gotten to know Annie through this blog for that I am forever grateful. xxpeggybraswelldesign.com

    Reply
  48. KAMFreeman

    Corey you have a way with your words that finds the door to the most sensitive place in my heart…to that place that holds the sadness of friends lost, of friends facing challenges, of just all those I hold tenderly. Thank you for pushing the door open so I could feel deeply this day.
    Annie will most definitely be in my prayers while you are with your family in the states for the holiday. Blessings and much peace for you and yours,
    Kristin

    Reply
  49. sandy austin

    What a gift Annie has been for you and you for her. The hardest part of love is letting go. You defiantly need a trip home. You need lots of rest, love and strength that only your mother can give you. Embrace your time together. Remember willows is only a plane ride away.
    Merry Christmas! XO

    Reply
  50. Rhonda

    My heart yesterday was welcoming my sweet man home from a long trip. Our home isn’t the same without his kind spirit. I am blessed.
    Now, today reading this, my heart is with you and Annie. Two women I admire and pray only the best for.
    The price of love is far more gratifying than not having loved, holding on to the good memories will always outweigh the sad memories. Warm hugs, Rhonda

    Reply
  51. Tara Bradford

    This has been a year of horrors for many people I know, my family included. And it’s not over yet, with terrible news just received today. Am hoping 2014 is a big improvement for us all! Annie is lucky to have you for a friend – and you, her – naturellement! Happy holidays and safe travels. x

    Reply
  52. CandaceW

    2013 has not been a kind year. My son has been unemployed since August. My mother is in the hospital and will most likely never go home again.

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  53. jennifer in SF

    Sending love to you and to Annie.

    Reply
  54. Rebecca from the pacific northwest

    That was truly tender.

    Reply
  55. carol

    My heart is with my mother and father, who have had better days. My father is out of the hospital from pneumonia and in rehab, thank God! My mother is at home on hospice. I am four and a half hours away, but have been going up after work on the weekend. My heart is so heavy and it is with them and all of the wonderful memories I have as a little girl.Yes, 2013 has not been a kind year. Here’s to a better one in 2014. My love to you and Annie. Your words touch my heart in a way that I cannot describe. Thank you for those words and the kind spirit in you, Corey.

    Reply
  56. Kathie B

    OTOH, 13 can be interpreted as lucky (if one is superstitious) — because after all it’s a Baker’s Dozen!

    Reply
  57. Kathie B

    P.S. Can Yann and/or Sacha check on Annie during your absence?

    Reply
  58. Andrea

    Today my heart is with the families who lost loved ones in Sandy Hook, Connecticut, on December 14, 2012 as that anniversary approaches. I think of one couple in particular, as my daughter went to school with them and the little girl they lost will dance forever in my memory as she did on the day I saw her.
    My heart is with you and Annie as well. The phrase that child’s mother has chosen to use to help her and her family deal with all that has happened is “love wins.” It does, and it will. Whatever the love is, it wins.

    Reply
  59. deb mattin

    I have wondered about Annie and this post just makes me sad. Both of you are lucky to have met and cared for and about each other for so long, There is a saying ‘when someone we love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure”. You have so much to treasure in memories of your dear friend.

    Reply

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