Ever since I came home, nearly every morning my first thoughts go to Annie as I calculate my day. I find myself thinking, "I will go see Annie now since the rest of the day is full, or I will go this evening…" Then at the same time, reality dawns on me with those first rays of sunlight.
My heart pours out.
Endless words untangle thoughts.
Snippets of the past pour out.
I hear Annie as she use to say, "Don't cry when I am gone. I have lived a beautiful life and I am ready. So don't cry."
My throat swells, my eyes sting, as I swallow back what I feel and lean towards her words… even though I use to say to her,
"Not crying is not going to be easy. I know you are ready, but I am going to miss you, badly."
And then with that my face is wet, my heart heaves as I wait for the transformation of grief, the storm to pass, the feeling of deep sadness to move on.
Loving has its cost, and the cost is worth it: Deep, true, beautiful, raw, stirring, powerful manure for the soul that wants to be what I believe it to be: Deep, true, beautiful, raw, stirring, powerful goodness.
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