Notre Dame was fully packed and mass had started. We were fortunate enough to have seats a few rows from the altar, when a couple of middle-eastern-looking men with backpacks walked up to the front, (where obviously there were no seats available) and slipped discreetly to the side of one of the columns. A church usher went up to them, she whispered that since there were no seats where they stood, that they would have to move back, she continued by saying she could escort them to the nearest seats.Rather than obliging, they calmly shook their heads no. The usher gently persisted but to no avail as the middle-eastern men stayed focus on the altar, simply ignoring her suggestion.
Nervously, I thought what if they are terrorists? They are standing by one of the central columns, they could have bombs in their back packs? Why would they walk up the entire length of Notre Dame to the front when mass had already started? My fearful thoughts raced as the priest prayed, "Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy…".
My choices were basic: One walk out, or two stay. To walk out I would have to explain to Sacha my thoughts, then we would have to squeeze pass everyone in the aisle, and then walk the entire length of Notre Dame to the exit. I imagined that if there was a bomb in their backpack they weren't going to wait much longer to ignite it. If I stayed: I was in Notre Dame, I was with Sacha (who was unaware of what I saw), those around me were praying, listening as the first reading was been read. I thought to myself, "I could be wrong about what I saw, but if I am right, well this is a sacred place, a beautiful place, and if a bomb is going to go off I want to be at peace, not running in fear for my life." So I closed my eyes while praying in thanksgiving for those I loved and cared for, I felt at peace.
During Eucharist the two men went up to receive communion. The held out their hands, they bowed their heads, they walked back to the column where they had stood earlier, knelt and cried.
I felt horrible that I had succumbed to a prejudice reaction instead of seeing their desire to be upclose to worship in a place such as Notre Dame.
Fear had lead me to consider something that wasn't true about who they were.
Ashamed that my thoughts added to a collective consciousness that has been brewing.
And then worse, that on this feast day, a day that speaks of love over death, that my thoughts were exactly opposite. I felt like I had added a nail to the energy of mistrust and doubt.
I know that we could say it is a sign of these fearful times we live in, that it is out of caution that we look over our shoulders, that with all that has happened it isn't unusual to become doubtful even in church. But still! Such regret I have for feeling that way.
An act of faith what does that mean.
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